Well-being

  • 6 Simple and Effective Habits for Happiness in Life

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    Are you just starting your happiness journey? 

    Even if you’ve been on the path of happiness for a while, building a foundation that helps accelerate your growth means you can be happier sooner than you think!

    I had no idea what to do when I graduated with my doctorate. My mentor and I planned to work together, but she passed away unexpectedly just a few weeks after graduation. I had my cancer treatment coming up at the end of that month. The plan was to give me a month to recover. I couldn’t be around my kids while I was radioactive, so a bit of time was needed. The reality was that I needed to go back to work. At the same time, it was challenging to be positive – quasi requirements for a coach – when so much of my own life was mired in grief and disappointment.

    My experience probably doesn’t surprise you. To grow something sustainable, you must start with the basics, which is also valid for learning happiness. We can make it easier for ourselves to build happiness when we choose supportive habits as the foundation. Here’s how to get started.

    Get a Quick Win with Something Easy and Fun

    Researchers believe that some happiness habits are more accessible to build than others. So rather than starting with whatever happiness habit is currently the most popular—meditation or self-care —you’re better off starting with more straightforward or fun habits.

    The broaden-and-build theory suggests that experiencing positive emotions broadens your mindset and builds your psychological, intellectual, and social resources, allowing you to benefit more from your experiences. 

    By starting with easy or fun practices, you may get a jumpstart in happiness and boost your sense of self-efficacy that propels you forward in the happiness-building process. Luckily, there are lots of these easier-starter activities online now.

    One study showed that people who felt more positive emotions at the beginning of a happiness program reported more significant improvements at the end. By going after the more straightforward and accessible parts of happiness, you can build confidence and good feelings that may help you tackle the trickier skills later.

    Which Habits Are Easy to Start With?

    1. Savoring

    One habit that researchers believe is relatively easy to build is savoring good things in your life (like a memorable trip or awe-inspiring concert) by continuing to reflect on them and share them with others. On the flip side, surveys suggest that learning mindfulness can be relatively tricky, as beginners may struggle and become cognitively depleted.

    2. Fun

    Another good way to start is with something fun. The Greater Good Science Center’s Science of Happiness course invited students to try out ten different happiness practices and (at the end of the course) reflect on their experience. The surveys showed that among those 10, students most enjoyed mindful breathing, awe exercises, gratitude journaling, and listing three good things. They found these practices to be a better fit—aligned more with their internal values and natural inclinations—than practices like forgiveness or self-compassion.

    3. Be Present

    In a 2012 study, people picked which activities to practice. They selected exercises related to setting goals, savoring the present moment, and recording gratitude more frequently than thinking optimistically, savoring the past, expressing gratitude to others, and recording acts of kindness. This evidence gives us some idea about which habits are the most enjoyable (or, at least, which ones we think will be most enjoyable).

    So, when starting with happiness habits, try to begin with easy, fun ones—but don’t stop there. More difficult habits are valuable, too. 

    Get more bang for your buck with high-impact habits

    Some habits have a more significant impact on happiness than others.

    I recently asked a group of clients about which well-being habits contribute most to their happiness. They said feeling positive about themselves and improving their self-relationship generates more happiness than the rest.

    4. Optimism

    Other research supports this idea. For example, researchers found that one group of habits that highly impacts happiness in the long run shapes what you pay attention to. This includes practices like anticipating good things in the future, paying attention to the positives rather than the negatives of a situation, and reflecting on good things that happened in the past.

    5. Movement

    One of the most important habits is movement. The focus isn’t necessarily to “get in shape” but to move your body instead of being inactive. The research suggests that healthy behaviors—like exercise—improve well-being, even among people who struggle to build other types of happiness habits. One study showed that a health enhancement program alleviated depression and increased life satisfaction faster than a mindfulness program among people diagnosed with depression. Although both programs were influential in the long term, the authors argue that positive health habits may more quickly increase well-being, while mindfulness may lead to more gradual but sustained improvements.

    6. Variety

    Using a greater variety of practices, regardless of the practices, may also be beneficial. For example, one study found that compared to a program including fewer types of happiness practices, a happiness program including more practices led to more significant increases in well-being. Other research suggests that the people in happiness programs who engage in more different practices show more significant happiness increases than those who engage in fewer practices. And people who engage in a diverse range of practices and engage in them in more situations seem to show the most benefit.

    Creating any new habit can be challenging, so it’s worth considering which happiness habits to cultivate first. Once you’ve built a few of these habits, you’ll get the hang of it, and building other habits will feel more manageable. Use these tips to start on the right foot and you’ll have the resilience you need to weather any storm.

  • How to Cure Stress Eating and Get What You Really Need

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    There’s so much information about how to stop stress eating and emotional eating.

    Every day, my news feed and social platforms tell me about new and improved ways to hack stress eating and emotional eating.

    The advice usually falls into one of these three categories:

    1. Funny, in-your-face, non-diet messages are often delivered by young women who fit the dominant culture’s ideal of beauty. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I’m happy that the younger generations have a much better viewpoint of diet culture. But decades of stress, dieting and cultural influences take a bit more effort than eating an ice cream while flipping off diet culture.

    2. Information that appears to be new, but it isn’t, is just having a refreshed cover. You can probably guess what I’m talking about! You know, the same diet programs that have been around for a long time or even newer apps that claim not to be a diet. Just because you say you’re not a diet doesn’t mean you aren’t a diet – we see you out there!

    3. Professionals who offer their research evidence that their way is the correct or best way to live. This strikes me as academic competitiveness, which is good; it pushes humanity to find better ways. The problem is that it paints a picture of all or nothing with the researcher or influencer, the hero who has found the golden key that will unlock the secret garden if only we would follow them.

    I’m sure there are many more we could add, but let’s get to what matters.

    The issue is that stress eating isn’t really about the food.

    Food happens to be the focus or device for relief. The reason why people use food for stress relief is that it works – to a point. It happens to be food for a lot of reasons:

    • Habits learned when young
    • Habits formed in college
    • The brain does feel happier and calmer after eating
    • Not knowing what else to do calm the stress
    • Boredom

    Using food is easy, inexpensive and relatively socially acceptable.

    Women bond over both their desire for decadence and the inevitable discussion about diets and workouts. We’re in this struggle together, yet we haven’t realized how to stop it.

    The issue is that stress eating isn’t really about the food.

    Food happens to be the focus or device for relief. The reason why people use food for stress relief is that it works – to a point. It happens to be food for a lot of reasons:

    • Habits learned when young
    • Habits formed in college
    • The brain does feel happier and calmer after eating
    • Not knowing what else to do calm the stress
    • Boredom

    Using food is easy, inexpensive and relatively socially acceptable.

    Women bond over both their desire for decadence and the inevitable discussion about diets and workouts. We’re in this struggle together, yet we haven’t realized how to stop it.

    Getting down to the root of the issue is the only way to break free from stress eating, and that’s an easy solution!

    If we stop the distractions of focusing on the food and focus on what gets us to that point, then we have a real solution.

    The problem is that most of us were never taught how to work with our emotions and calm the anxious brain and body in a way that clarifies what to do next.

    Here’s the outstanding part: this isn’t about digging around in your unconscious to find the “root cause,” and then, when you understand why, you’ll magically stop stress eating.

    I wish it were that easy because I bet you know why you stress eat, but that hasn’t helped to stop it.

    When I started my practice as a psychotherapist and coach, that’s what I thought. We would uncover the source of the pain, and it would be relieved. But, when I began my PhD studies, I learned that emotional eating is stress eating and the pathway to lasting relief is:

    1. Emotional Mastery
    2. Clear Communication
    3. Well-being Habits

    This is the Powerful Calm System and is the foundation for conscious eating, which is a straightforward way to get back to listening to your body, eating in response to hunger, and mindfully enjoying food.

    Emotional Mastery

    Conscious eating is eating with awareness of your body’s needs for fuel and satisfaction.

    It is eating with respectful kindness for yourself, free from judgment. You learn to follow, listen to yourself and use your emotions as your guide.

    It is negotiating between your body and mind, listening to your heart in the present moment.

    Conscious eating is the awareness that the next time you need to eat, you can make new choices in each new moment.

    Conscious eating frees you from deprivation and urgency, which is usually a frantic, anxiety-filled impulse to get what you want now.

    It might be because –

    • it may be gone soon
    • this is the last time you’ll allow yourself to eat it
    • the diet starts tomorrow, so you better have it now!

    Stress eating (emotional eating) can be like this. Sometimes to distract, sometimes to avoid, and sometimes to control unmanageable feelings. No matter its path, it all leads back to stress as the cause.

    Conscious eating frees you to stop for a moment, give yourself time and space to identify your feelings, identify your hunger, and make decisions based on what your mind, body and heart needs.

    Clear Communication

    Conscious eating helps you to connect with the fullness of your life, free from the stress that interferes with your goals.

    You can nourish yourself in the whole meaning of the word nourish.

    The goal is to truly enjoy your relationship with food and your body without guilt, negative self-talk, excuses, or shame.

    Each meal is one moment in time.

    Sometimes, you will eat purely for fuel. You are hungry, busy, and need nutrition to function well.

    You are living your life, and food is one of many essential parts, not the one thing you spend too much time thinking about.

    At other times, you eat for enjoyment and nourishing your body. Clear communication with yourself allows you to freely enjoy food without guilt because the choices you make aren’t a stress reaction, but instead, they are a choice based on what you need for energy and enjoyment. And when that happens, there’s no reason to blame and shame about food or your body.

    Well-being Habits

    Becoming a conscious eater is like getting back to nature.

    You’ll get back to eating naturally, and when stress hits, you no longer reach for food to calm and self-soothe.

    Emotions and food are separate, but sometimes they seem the same.

    It is like when you were little and ate because you were hungry and stopped when you were full. Even when you had something delicious, like your favorite food, you listened to your body and stopped when your body let you know it was complete.

    You can get back to listening to your natural rhythms.

    And, if this was not your experience growing up, you can learn how to become a Conscious Eater who can listen to her body and follow through!

    When you eat this way, you find what is health-enhancing for you. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all when it comes to nourishing your body. The only perfect diet for you is finding what works well for your body today and doing more of it. And when things change, you can adapt because you can listen to your body and adjust as needed.

    Listen to your body.

    There’s a wealth of knowledge about sound, essential nutrition. It is freely available to you and many well-qualified providers who can support you, too.

    Conclusion

    The bottom line is that conscious eating is a simple way to implement the Powerful Calm System, so you no longer need stress eating and emotional eating again!

  • Top 10 Habits To Be More Calm Every Day

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    Your life changes when you use these ten habits to be more calm every day!

    Feeling good comes from experiencing less stress and more calmness, and the tiniest bit of success at this, as soon as possible, helps to stay motivated.

    Habits that motivate you to keep going and build on each success are like a snowball that magically grows with each new day.

    As you begin the process and start experiencing more calm, it might not be easy to trust that it will last. Others might not notice your changes, but you know what you’ve accomplished and find valuable because you see it in yourself. The challenge comes when you need to trust that you have the best interests in your heart and stay on the path of calm and clarity.

    These actions can take you to greater self-awareness as you grow in your relationship with yourself, where you know what you want and need and go after it!

    Here are the top 10 ways to connect with yourself and create a calmer life.

    1. Get Moving - a simple walk around the block can help

    Physical activity is one of the most common recommendations for feeling better - because it works! Countless studies have shown that improved physical and psychological health happens through movement. A simple walk around the block helps go a long way. It shifts your perspective, interrupts negative thoughts and gets your blood flowing.

    2. Talk it out - use your words to give your feelings life

    Talk it out to yourself, a friend, the dog, etc. Sometimes, we need to hear ourselves out loud. As you listen to yourself, uncovering the thoughts and feelings just under the surface is more effortless. You get clear on your internal process, how you view the situation and what you feel. Abstract thoughts become more concrete, so options about what you can do with them become clear and calm every day.

    3. Create - creativity helps the mind open up

    The act of creating something, anything, helps you to think differently. Keep supplies on hand to have them available when you need to create. You only need a piece of paper and a pencil in a pinch. Scribble, draw, make patterns, etc. Just get the creativity flowing. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece since that’s not the point. Leave perfectionism out of it. Your goal is to introduce more flexibility into your capacity for problem-solving and creativity.

    4. Eat - if you’re hungry, you need food!

    Not everyone experiences hunger in the same way. Emotional or stress eating might mask the early stages of hunger. It could be that increased anxiety and irritability are early hunger signs before your stomach rumbles. Give yourself a minute to check in and see if you need nourishment to refuel. If you do, eat a well-balanced, nourishing meal without looking at a screen. Enjoy your food and the experience of taking good care of yourself so you can be calm every day.

    5. Companionship - seek out community

    We are social beings and sometimes we need to be with others. Spending time with a friend can take your mind off your current worries. It’s a break that can get you out of your head and the all-consuming thoughts that lead to emotional exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. Your troubles won’t disappear and most things in life aren’t emergencies. Giving yourself some space and shifting your focus for a while is okay.

    Being with others and listening to their challenges will remind you that no one escapes difficulties. We’re all in this together and being together helps to shift your mindset from “No one understands what I’m going through” to “We’re all more alike than different and we all have struggles.”

    6. Entertainment - do something just for fun

    Escape! Yes, escape into something just for fun.

    • When was the last time you laughed just because something silly happened?
    • Or when did you last play a game just because you like it?
    • When did you watch your favorite movie?

    Push the pause button and allow yourself to let go of seriousness and have a laugh.

    7. Journal - write it out to get it out

    Journaling has a long track record of helpfulness. It’s one of the time-tested ways of getting to know yourself. You can write it out in note form, bullet journaling with colorful pens and drawings and freewriting is always an option. The point is that writing out how you feel helps you organize your experience, clarify your ideas and stop them from cycling through your thought process without examination.

    You may even generate ideas and plans that take you where you want to go.

    8. Plan for your needs  and take care of yourself

    Take the time to slow down, stop thinking about others and put yourself in the equation. What is it that you need right now? What do you think you will need later today? It can be as simple as going to bed earlier, having a cup of tea, paying a bill, making an appointment, getting a new pair of shoes, etc. Feeling less stressed for having accomplished the task is the goal. Think about your needs and put them on the agenda of the people you care for.

    9. identify your feelings - know what you’re dealing with

    Sad, Mad, Glad. These all mean different things to different people and I bet you can refine your feelings even more. You can begin by thinking about all the feelings surrounding the first one that pops into your head. Sad can be broken down into disappointment, regret, grieving, gutted, isolation, loneliness, etc. The feelings you name give you more information about what you need to feel better. They provide you with direction.

    10. Take some quiet time - take some time out for yourself to be calm every day

    Allow yourself quiet time to sit through the distractions. Take some time to sit and be still. It will take practice. Turn off the distractions. Allow yourself to experience just nothing. Start small and take your time. Experience what it’s like for 3 minutes, then try 6 and 9 minutes. Some days will be easy, and others will be next to impossible to quiet yourself, and that’s okay.

    This list is just a beginning to help you get started. There are many supportive and nurturing ways to care for yourself.

    Life will happen and it will often interrupt your calm vibe!

    Conclusion

    Establishing these habits now helps to have what you need when stress flares up, so you’re calm every day!

  • 5 Easy Tools to Clear Blocked Motivation in 5 Minutes

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    How often do you feel like you can’t clear blocked motivation so you can stay on track and focused on your goals?

    Sometimes, a little break is just what you need to refocus and recommit to your goal so you can clear blocked motivation.

    Asking yourself questions that lead to either affirmation or shifting your goals is critical to the growth process. Assessing what works or what doesn’t and then changing it up so you’re closer to your goal is a pleasant, neat process, but there is a flipside…

    When overwhelm creeps in and your enthusiasm wanes, it can lead to apathy, decision fatigue and hopelessness.

    The cycle of feeling down and hopeless robs you of the mojo to keep moving.

    Regaining your enthusiasm is an intentional process.

    It may seem like waiting for inspiration is your only option, but in the end, waiting will only get you further away from your goal. Taking small, manageable steps, step by step, regularly gets you where you want to be much sooner than you imagine.

    Fortunately, you have options to begin the process!

    You can move out of apathy, doubt, or overwhelm and learn to prevent it from happening again.

    You can clear blocked motivation!

    With these five motivation tools and just 5 minutes each day, you can get back into the flow of success, focus on your goal and welcome the good things that come your way.

    Here’s the plan:

    1. Choose one tool and practice it for 5 minutes or more if it’s working.
    2. Adapt the five motivation tools so they work best for you.

    Before you know it, blocked motivation will be a thing of the past.

    5 Tools to Clear Blocked Motivation

    1. Do just one thing at a time.

    Focus on just one part of your goal. Often, we get so overwhelmed with the larger goal that we have difficulty seeing the small steps right in front of us. Think about the spokes on the wheel of a bike tire. All are needed to make the wheel solid and stable; each small action is like the spokes on the bike wheel and is necessary to support the larger goal. Focus on one spoke at a time.

    Celebrate when one part of your goal is accomplished and use this success to fuel your motivation for the next one.

    2. Get moving.

    To get the energy flowing, there is no end to the helpfulness a walk in the sunshine brings. I am talking about the type of walk where you can just be, look at the clouds, watch the birds, feel the sunshine on your face, and be in the present moment. The walk can be a short one; 5 minutes is good.

    There is no need to get your workout gear on for a power walk; this is a ‘get re-centered walk’ to reconnect with your sense of self and what you are working on and clear blocked motivation.

    Think about each step moving you forward, step by step toward your goal.

    3. Open yourself to growth

    When people feel doubtful, fearful and anxious, they often constrict the body, thoughts and beliefs in what is possible. Collapsing into your body and getting smaller can result in shallow breathing.

    Take three deep breaths comfortably, not too fast or too slowly, which can loosen tension and bring a sense of expansion back. You can feel your body fill with oxygen and feel your breath, bringing new life into your being. 

    With each breath, think about expansion and give yourself space to do what you need to do for your life.

    4. Visualize your life as you need it to be.

    It is expected that we think of goals as wishes, and they are. More importantly, though, goals are also needed. It changes when you think about your goal from the mindset of a need rather than a wish. Now, it is something closer, more intimate. Rather than a wish that can be dismissed, it calls your attention to take action so you can clear blocked motivation.

    To live a fulfilling life, you need meaning and purpose.

    5. Just let it go and be.

    Give yourself no more than 5 minutes to write down all of your negative, worrisome, challenging, tedious, doubtful, and fearful thoughts. Then put them in a bag and seal it up! Let them be. They are just words; some will be yours and others. Remember, they are just words. Your truth is much bigger, much more life-giving than any doubts.

    Give yourself 5 minutes or more and write down your supportive, productive, growth-enhancing thoughts and words. Keep these with you and remind yourself of them every day. Filling your mind with these words helps to keep you adaptable and focused on growth.

    Conclusion

    Give yourself the time and energy to get unblocked and back to growth with the tools above.

    The greatest gift to yourself is your time and attention.

    Becoming more conscious daily will fuel your motivation to achieve your goals. 

    You can have the success you desire and the life you need.  

  • 3 Ways Self-knowledge Makes You Emotionally Strong

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    We are often blind to what our emotions are trying to tell us, and they are the basis for self-knowledge. It can be hard to pay attention when your head is piled high with tasks, appointments, and endless everyday worries that seem impossible to solve.

    Yet, when we pay attention and develop a deeper awareness, we have everything we need to make choices that align our lives with our needs and desires.

    It is impossible to say how much of this is a natural or an acquired ability, but it has been part of humankind’s evolutionary process since the beginning.

    We evolved to be aware of our environment and learn from our experiences to create a future full of purpose. This means that, without self-knowledge, life could be filled with regret, leading to suffering. The longer you put off pursuing self-knowledge, the more times you’ll have to reinvent the wheel, which only makes things worse.

    The process is simple. At the same time, it requires you to be patient with yourself. When you’re unsure, it takes time to figure out what you’re feeling rather than making a snap judgment that isn’t accurate. This is how self-knowledge makes you emotionally strong.

    Here is your 3 part recipe to increase your self-knowledge and emotional strength.

    Here is your 3-part recipe to increase your self-knowledge and emotional strength.

    1. Identify your emotions.

    When you are uncertain of yourself, introspection is the way to go.

    Identify the emotions you are experiencing at the moment. What is your gut feeling? Your breath? Your heart?

    Characteristics of an emotion include clarity, intensity, and pleasure or pain. If you don’t know what an emotion feels like, here are some examples for you to explore more closely:

    Anxiety – The immediate irritation present when faced with a particular situation.

    Disillusioned – The feeling that everything is not as good as it seems.

    Excited – A state of intense arousal, often with an accompanying sense of joy.

    Sad – A feeling of discomfort lacking clarity. It’s more like a vague melancholy.

    Anger – Clear sensations in your body signal the need to take action and be defensive against certain situations.

    Joy – The highest and most enjoyable emotion experienced by humans. It is a state of permanent happiness and contentment felt after great success or accomplishment.

    It’s essential to be as specific as possible with your emotions.

    This is one of the times in life where nuance matters a lot. Clarity about your internal state makes a difference. It’s too easy to get swept up in the immediate emotion and put it in a broad category when it might be much more subtle.

    Take, for example, anger and sadness. Many people become angry when they’re sad. They don’t want to experience loss and instead become angry as a way of pushing the feeling away.

    I had this experience when I moved across the country.

    I didn’t want to move; I loved where I lived and often thought, “Man, I love it here.” But, when it came time to begin the moving process, I started to pick out all the flaws and justify why it would be better to live elsewhere. I pushed away the fond feelings for a place I loved to make it easier to focus on the future.

    This process prevented me from acknowledging my experience of loss and the sadness I felt. Instead of letting go, feeling sad and being in the present, I was misaligned with myself. Ultimately, it made the transition more complex and it took longer than expected to settle into the new location.

    2. Put your experiences into context.

    Make a short list of 3 moments of your life that made you feel strong.

    When doing this exercise, pay attention to the emotions present during each of the three experiences.

    What emotions were present for these three events? What characteristics did they have?

    Once you have this information, it’s time to contextualize it. Explain each of these three moments as if you were explaining your life story to someone new. This exercise requires a non-judgmental outlook – it’s just the observable information, not an evaluation of it.

    It’s helpful to make a note for yourself on your phone, in a journal, or on a sticky note that you put somewhere so you can see it often. Reminders like this help you keep the emotion and experience in your mind so it becomes part of what you do during the day.

    This is another way that self-knowledge makes you strong.

    3. Determine what your plans need to be.

    What would you do differently if you knew what your emotions were telling you?

    Imagine yourself in the future.

    If you knew what was going on inside of you at the time, would this future change?

    Which ones?

    Why?

    What must you do to bring this future about, or how can it be easier or faster?

    A word of warning.

    Many people think they can skip over numbers 1 and 2 above and go right for number 3 to create a more aligned future. But it just doesn’t work that way. It would be much less painful and messy if it did, but it doesn’t.

    Alignment takes time and reflection to know yourself and your needs. Don’t shortchange yourself by moving past this quickly. Most of us were never taught anything about emotions or feelings other than being told what is “appropriate” to feel for someone else’s convenience. There can be a lot of unpacking judgments in this phase.

    Shaping your life into one where you draw on your sense of inner calm and self-knowledge makes you emotionally intense so that you can live your life in a fulfilling way.

    It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day struggle of life and forget that we are all just one step away from creating our ideal futures.

    Conclusion

    No one is born with emotional mastery.

    It’s a learned skill that you can master at any point in your life. The process is simple, but knowing more about yourself with each step takes time.

    1. Identify your emotions.
    2. Put your experiences into context.
    3. Plan for the future based on the two previous steps.

    Self-knowledge makes you strong and able to handle anything with clarity, alignment and grace.

  • How To Stop Negative Thinking From Becoming A Habit

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    Self-compassion is the missing ingredient that stops the habit of negative thinking.

    It’s not about being selfish but rather being kind to yourself, acknowledging that sometimes it’s okay to make mistakes or feel bad.

    Self-compassion helps you treat yourself with kindness and understanding when you make a mistake or experience a difficult situation.

    Self-compassion helps you to look at the big picture. Life is full of both positive experiences and negative experiences. Self-compassion enables you to look at both sides of life non-judgmentally to move forward with clarity and prevent a negative thinking habit.

    Courageously embracing self-compassion will change your life in many ways.

    The immediate benefits are less negative thinking, more motivation, greater resilience, and more happiness. But the ultimate goal is to fully accept ourselves as we are – which can lead us towards living a fulfilling life.

    What’s the big deal about self-compassion?

    Self-compassion is crucial for success, well-being and happiness because it’s an antidote for negative thinking and poor self-esteem. It might not be the most crucial factor in happiness, but it’s undoubtedly one of the most important.

    So why is self-compassion so crucial in our lives?

    The short answer is that it helps us to overcome negative thinking. And to do that, we need to feel compassion for ourselves— when we are suffering.

    The goal of the rest of this article is not to teach you how to be compassionate towards yourself when you are suffering but rather to provide you with the knowledge that will help you understand how self-compassion can help you overcome negative thinking and achieve your goals faster. Hopefully, the result is less suffering in your life.

    Negative Thinking

    Imagine you are in a high-pressure situation where you can’t understand what’s happening, and no one will answer. Think about the last time you had a client or employee who isn’t getting what you’re communicating. You try to figure out how to communicate more effectively, and yet, they blame you for not helping them get the result they want.

    As the stress and tension grow, so does your frustration and anger until finally, you burst out in a rage, screaming at your family, crying and feeling like a failure too.

    Now imagine how you would feel if this happened to you. Would you feel content, happy and satisfied? Or perhaps sad, downcast and disappointed? More than likely, it would be the latter. This is because we often judge ourselves very harshly on our own mistakes. When you can practice self-compassion, it helps to be more accepting of yourself.

    Self-esteem

    High self-esteem doesn’t always result in more motivation and success. A person with high self-esteem can sometimes feel frustrated, disappointed and demotivated. Some people with high self-esteem have difficulty overcoming their negative thoughts and keep feeling frustrated or discouraged even though they believe firmly in themselves.

    Having a more realistic view of ourselves helps us to acknowledge our shortcomings while still having confidence in ourselves. This is where self-compassion comes into play.

    In psychology, the term “self-compassion” was coined by Kristin Neff, a researcher from the University of Texas. In her experiments, self-compassion is crucial in overcoming negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves. It helps us to take a step back from our thoughts and see them for what they are – just thoughts.

    How does self-compassion help you?

    According to Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion, it helps us in four crucial ways:

    1. It stops the vicious cycle of self-criticism.

    When you’re in a critical frame of mind, it can be hard to think about yourself in any other way. The more you beat yourself up, the more negative thoughts you have about yourself, and the more frustrated and demotivated you become.

    Many people get stuck in a cycle where they criticize themselves for not being good enough. “I don’t have what it takes to get where I want.” These thoughts can quickly become a vicious cycle that keeps going round and round.

    But sometimes, we can outsmart ourselves by saying, “I know I haven’t been doing well lately and I’ll improve soon. I’m sure I can get better at this. I want to do better. I don’t want to give up.”

    2. It helps put things in perspective.

    When we have a favorable view of ourselves, it’s easier for us to see ourselves calmly and realistically instead of seeing ourselves in a negative manner that gets us down repeatedly. Self-compassion allows us to be more objective when resolving our problems instead of being stuck in the situation.

    The more self-compassion you have, the less you worry about things and the less often you experience negative emotional states such as anxiety, sadness and stress.

    Empathy is one of the most essential aspects of self-compassion, and it’s the primary reason why self-compassion is so effective. Research shows that those who are more self-compassionate experience less negative emotions like anxiety and depression.

    3. It helps you be more resilient to adverse events.

    A person with low self-esteem can feel bad about himself after not meeting his goals. A person with high self-esteem might not care as much. However, a person with low self-esteem can feel very discouraged and unmotivated.

    Although there is a clear link between low self-esteem and depression, there is also a link between high self-esteem and anxiety. In her research, Kristin Neff, a leading self-compassion researcher, found that anxiety can be reduced by practicing more compassion toward oneself. This led to less negative emotional states such as anxiety.

    This was a significant finding for Neff since a major factor in the development of depression and anxiety is our negative thoughts.

    Practicing self-compassion can help you relax and return to a more positive mindset. This can help to alleviate negative emotional states such as anxiety, frustration and sadness.

    4. It helps you be motivated about your goals.

    If we judge ourselves based on our actions, we will never be able to do anything suitable or achieve anything meaningful. As a result, we feel less motivated about our goals and give up faster. Self-compassion is a powerful motivator because it helps you to enjoy your accomplishments and learn from your failures.

    Neff found that self-compassion helps us to have a more positive mindset about ourselves and the world around us. This can lead to being more motivated to achieve your goals when you trust yourself and look forward to achieving things with an optimistic attitude.

    Conclusion

    Self-compassion has a direct impact on negative thinking and self-esteem. It isn’t “going easy on yourself” or “letting yourself off the hook” to avoid accountability. Self-compassion helps you to view situations as they are, which helps to improve your relationship with yourself as your life becomes less stressful and more fulfilling.

  • How Powerful Calm Makes Your Life Better

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    Blog post title image with modern flowers and title on a beige background that says: "how powerful calm makes your life better" powerfulcalm.com

    Wouldn’t it be great if you could reduce your stress in a few minutes? The good news is that you can.

    It takes three key concepts and a straightforward framework to get started. Powerful Calm is based on the latest research on stress relief. It provides an easy way to take control of your health and lower your levels of everyday stress. This article introduces you to the concepts and Powerful Calm framework so you can easily experience stress relief.

    The Powerful Calm Formula has three components: emotional mastery, clear communication and well-being habits.

    The Powerful Calm formula connects you to what matters most – a satisfying and fulfilling life. This happens in all areas of your life – your family, your career and most of all within yourself!

    The Power Calm framework is simple, sustainable and most of all it’s not a band-aid!

    It gives you a guide to help you understand how to reduce your stress level and achieve what you want for your life. The Powerful Calm formula has three parts: emotional mastery, clear communication and well-being habits. Each part of the Powerful Calm formula has action steps that will provide short-term and long-term benefits as they become part of your routine.

    Emotional Mastery

    Emotional mastery is:

    • building your mind/body emotional vocabulary
    • increasing curiosity about your emotional needs
    • using your knowledge to take care of yourself.

    What emotional mastery gives you is the knowledge about what you need for your well-being. The result is the ability to choose how to respond to any situation rather than allowing those situations to control you.

    When you become a master of your emotions, you gain an understanding of the effect that emotional intensity has on your experiences.

    This is important because it’s easier to respond in a way that matches your emotional needs in the moment. Matching your needs is vital to move through challenging emotions more easily and enjoy pleasant emotions more. The power to control your reactions is within reach, whether you feel anxious, angry, or calm and happy.

    The choice about how you respond rather than being controlled by your emotions is where you find your power – it’s the ultimate self-control!

    Emotional mastery goes beyond assuming accountability for the situation or outcome. It helps you to understand what led up to the emotional response and where you can go from there.

    Emotional mastery is the foundation of clarity.

    It’s challenging to move forward when you’re cluttered with emotions or stuck on one. However, when you master your emotions, push them away with immediate mindless reactions. You can take your time and mindfully choose how you need to respond.

    Clear Communication

    Every relationship needs effective communication for it to thrive. Lack of communication can undo what you’ve learned about emotional mastery and well-being habits in the first place!

    The most important person to be straightforward with is yourself!

    There is no fluff or excuses, just self-compassion and accountability.

    Solid self-talk can help reduce stress in all situations, especially when the stakes are high or emotions run hot.

    Effective communication with yourself is being honest and conversing without getting too worked up about things that don’t matter so that you can respond to a situation congruently.

    Sometimes, it’s taking the perspective of an observer and having the conversation with yourself like you would your most cherished friend.

    • Strong and loving
    • Kind and firm
    • Compassionate and honest

    You can only be transparent with others and meet your needs when clear with yourself. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. You’re always in your head, so why not make it the most pleasant relationship?

    Clear communication is a skill you can develop at any time in your life

    Well-being Habits

    Most of the time, we think we’re doing okay. Your head is above water, no matter how hard you kick to stay that way. You’re okay and everything is under control, but something happens, maybe a work deadline or an argument with your significant other.

    For most of my clients, stress has become a big part of their lives without them realizing it. What leads them to seek help is that the automatic stress reactions begin to harm their lives.

    • Being short with others
    • Long-term irritability
    • stress eating/drinking/over-exercise/no exercise/not enjoying life

    Emotional mastery and clear communication allow you to respond to stress instead of immediately reacting. When you master your emotions mindlessly, impulsively over or under-reacting doesn’t happen anymore.

    Well-being habits aren’t about becoming someone else or changing who you are. They’re about being open to change and making small changes that have a significant impact over time.

    Well-being habits are:

    • meditation/quiet time/reading/listening to music
    • mind/body practice like walking, yoga, stretching
    • connected conversations

    These are just a few examples. Well-being habits are more than flossing daily; they enhance your connection with yourself and the people in your life.

    Like any good habit, they become part of your life because you benefit greatly. And a bonus is that those around you benefit, too. You’ll become a leader in living a mindful, anti-stress lifestyle.

    When you recognize the power of well-being habits, it’s easier to become proactive in doing daily things to help bring more calm into your life.

    Wrapping up

    Power Calm is a simple framework to support your stress reduction and increase well-being with emotional mastery, clear communication, and well-being habits.

    With the Powerful Calm Formula, small changes in your thinking, behavior, and connection with yourself can make a huge difference in your stress level.

    This is what makes you powerful in your ability to keep calm.

    Each step along the way gives you powerful results:

    • Self-knowledge that leads to clear action
    • Clarity that leads to needs being met
    • Satisfaction that leads to fulfillment

    The power comes from knowing who you are and what you need your life to be.