Emotional Mastery

  • How To Stop Negative Thinking From Becoming A Habit

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    Blog title image with modern flowers and a beige background that says How to change the negative thinking habit and enjoy life, powerfulcalm.com

    Self-compassion is the missing ingredient that stops the habit of negative thinking.

    It’s not about being selfish but rather being kind to yourself, acknowledging that sometimes it’s okay to make mistakes or feel bad.

    Self-compassion helps you treat yourself with kindness and understanding when you make a mistake or experience a difficult situation.

    Self-compassion helps you to look at the big picture. Life is full of both positive experiences and negative experiences. Self-compassion enables you to look at both sides of life non-judgmentally to move forward with clarity and prevent a negative thinking habit.

    Courageously embracing self-compassion will change your life in many ways.

    The immediate benefits are less negative thinking, more motivation, greater resilience, and more happiness. But the ultimate goal is to fully accept ourselves as we are – which can lead us towards living a fulfilling life.

    What’s the big deal about self-compassion?

    Self-compassion is crucial for success, well-being and happiness because it’s an antidote for negative thinking and poor self-esteem. It might not be the most crucial factor in happiness, but it’s undoubtedly one of the most important.

    So why is self-compassion so crucial in our lives?

    The short answer is that it helps us to overcome negative thinking. And to do that, we need to feel compassion for ourselves— when we are suffering.

    The goal of the rest of this article is not to teach you how to be compassionate towards yourself when you are suffering but rather to provide you with the knowledge that will help you understand how self-compassion can help you overcome negative thinking and achieve your goals faster. Hopefully, the result is less suffering in your life.

    Negative Thinking

    Imagine you are in a high-pressure situation where you can’t understand what’s happening, and no one will answer. Think about the last time you had a client or employee who isn’t getting what you’re communicating. You try to figure out how to communicate more effectively, and yet, they blame you for not helping them get the result they want.

    As the stress and tension grow, so does your frustration and anger until finally, you burst out in a rage, screaming at your family, crying and feeling like a failure too.

    Now imagine how you would feel if this happened to you. Would you feel content, happy and satisfied? Or perhaps sad, downcast and disappointed? More than likely, it would be the latter. This is because we often judge ourselves very harshly on our own mistakes. When you can practice self-compassion, it helps to be more accepting of yourself.

    Self-esteem

    High self-esteem doesn’t always result in more motivation and success. A person with high self-esteem can sometimes feel frustrated, disappointed and demotivated. Some people with high self-esteem have difficulty overcoming their negative thoughts and keep feeling frustrated or discouraged even though they believe firmly in themselves.

    Having a more realistic view of ourselves helps us to acknowledge our shortcomings while still having confidence in ourselves. This is where self-compassion comes into play.

    In psychology, the term “self-compassion” was coined by Kristin Neff, a researcher from the University of Texas. In her experiments, self-compassion is crucial in overcoming negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves. It helps us to take a step back from our thoughts and see them for what they are – just thoughts.

    How does self-compassion help you?

    According to Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion, it helps us in four crucial ways:

    1. It stops the vicious cycle of self-criticism.

    When you’re in a critical frame of mind, it can be hard to think about yourself in any other way. The more you beat yourself up, the more negative thoughts you have about yourself, and the more frustrated and demotivated you become.

    Many people get stuck in a cycle where they criticize themselves for not being good enough. “I don’t have what it takes to get where I want.” These thoughts can quickly become a vicious cycle that keeps going round and round.

    But sometimes, we can outsmart ourselves by saying, “I know I haven’t been doing well lately and I’ll improve soon. I’m sure I can get better at this. I want to do better. I don’t want to give up.”

    2. It helps put things in perspective.

    When we have a favorable view of ourselves, it’s easier for us to see ourselves calmly and realistically instead of seeing ourselves in a negative manner that gets us down repeatedly. Self-compassion allows us to be more objective when resolving our problems instead of being stuck in the situation.

    The more self-compassion you have, the less you worry about things and the less often you experience negative emotional states such as anxiety, sadness and stress.

    Empathy is one of the most essential aspects of self-compassion, and it’s the primary reason why self-compassion is so effective. Research shows that those who are more self-compassionate experience less negative emotions like anxiety and depression.

    3. It helps you be more resilient to adverse events.

    A person with low self-esteem can feel bad about himself after not meeting his goals. A person with high self-esteem might not care as much. However, a person with low self-esteem can feel very discouraged and unmotivated.

    Although there is a clear link between low self-esteem and depression, there is also a link between high self-esteem and anxiety. In her research, Kristin Neff, a leading self-compassion researcher, found that anxiety can be reduced by practicing more compassion toward oneself. This led to less negative emotional states such as anxiety.

    This was a significant finding for Neff since a major factor in the development of depression and anxiety is our negative thoughts.

    Practicing self-compassion can help you relax and return to a more positive mindset. This can help to alleviate negative emotional states such as anxiety, frustration and sadness.

    4. It helps you be motivated about your goals.

    If we judge ourselves based on our actions, we will never be able to do anything suitable or achieve anything meaningful. As a result, we feel less motivated about our goals and give up faster. Self-compassion is a powerful motivator because it helps you to enjoy your accomplishments and learn from your failures.

    Neff found that self-compassion helps us to have a more positive mindset about ourselves and the world around us. This can lead to being more motivated to achieve your goals when you trust yourself and look forward to achieving things with an optimistic attitude.

    Conclusion

    Self-compassion has a direct impact on negative thinking and self-esteem. It isn’t “going easy on yourself” or “letting yourself off the hook” to avoid accountability. Self-compassion helps you to view situations as they are, which helps to improve your relationship with yourself as your life becomes less stressful and more fulfilling.

  • How To Stop Negative Thoughts That Result in Stress Eating

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    Blog post graphic with modern flowers with the title, What to do when Negative Thoughts Result in Stress Eating, powerfulcalm.com written on a beige background.

    I would bet that most people view stress as a negative; for my clients who struggle with stress eating, that’s especially true.

    The human mind has a funny way of making things worse. When you feel that it will be hard to succeed, it usually is. I’ll show how your negative thoughts manifest and give you steps to deal with them to prevent the problem. For food not to be a coping tool, you need to change those thoughts from negative to neutral. Viewing them clearly as they are and looking forward towards your future goals is the answer.

    A negative thought is not the same thing as a negative attitude.

    Most of us have experienced our share of stressful events in our lives. These can be work-related or personal. The stress that comes with these adverse events is often labeled as being negative thoughts, but they are both.

    Your mind can easily conjure up a scary image of what could happen if this or that happens, etc. This picture is in your head and says, “If that’s true, then I’m going to need something to eat.” And that’s what makes it so difficult. It’s a coping mechanism.

    1. How negative thoughts work.

    So how does this work? How does the mind do that? Your mind creates a scenario that could occur if that negative thought were true. Let’s say you have been thinking negatively about being fired from your job. You could create a scenario in which you lose your home, you don’t have much money, and you become homeless. When the thought comes to mind, an image of what could happen appears, and pressure builds.

    Your blood starts to leave your brain. It flows down to the rest of your body like you’re a zombie. But you’re not a zombie. It’s difficult to think clearly because stress is flooding the brain areas associated with stress. This is what it’s like when you are trying to cope with stress by eating – you are not fully present or making choices – it’s an automatic process. Now it’s time for coping mechanism number two: food.

    2. Food is security.

    What’s your mind’s second coping mechanism to cope with stress? It uses food. When you think negatively about being fired from your job, the connection with food leads to a desire for food. You see your mind’s picture of what could happen to you, leading you straight to comfort food. What happens then is that instead of thinking about the future or the present, you’re focused on how much comfort food can fulfill those feelings or needs for security because of all this stress.

    3. Food is a distraction.

    Eating is a coping mechanism to calm and soothe and cope with stress. When people suffer from stress eating, they eat comfort food because it calms them down and takes away the stress. But the problem with eating this way is that it does not resolve the issue of stress any more than rubbing a sore knee does because you still have a sore knee, only now you’ve added food to your list. The issue remains.

    Negative thoughts and stress eating solutions.

    So, how do you make this not happen to you? Here are some helpful suggestions:

    1. List your stressors.

    Make a list of all your stressors. Once the list is complete, divide them into those within your control and those out of your control. If there are any items on the list that you feel are in your control, write down how you would try to change these things if they were yours to change. Next to each item that’s out of your control, write down what it could be if it were in your control. For example, If the only thing out of your control is the weather, then write down what you can do to prepare for this. But if it’s something else, like your boss is a micro-manager, then list things you can change within your work environment to improve it.

    2. List your negative thoughts.

    Write down the negative thoughts that you have most often. Once these are written down, look at them and ask yourself what they mean. Is there a reason why you’re thinking this? Is it true?

    Think of a time when you faced similar stress and how you dealt with it. This will give you insight into what you’re thinking and why. Write down these things in your journal so that when negative thoughts come to mind, you can look at them and ask yourself, “Is this true?”

    3. Challenge your negative thoughts.

    Finally, don’t let negative thoughts about something outside your control remain unchallenged. A positive way to deal with them is to challenge them and say to yourself, “If it were true, then this would occur.” For example: “If I dropped dead tomorrow, then all my friends would say they will miss me.” When this is genuinely true (and it might not always be), the mind will believe it and do everything possible to ensure it happens.

    Conclusion

    So, remember, negative thoughts are not the same as negative attitudes. One is an attitude; one is a thought. But they are related to each other. So, if you have the attitude, “I’m negative all the time,” that will lead you to think negative thoughts about things that may or may not be accurate. A habit of positive thinking will help you to avoid putting these negative thoughts into your mind, which could lead you to harmful coping behaviors like comfort eating.

  • How to Change Your Relationship With Stress!

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    Blog title graphic with modern flowers and beige background that says, How to change your relationship with stress and change your life, powerfulcalm.com

    There are two ways most people think about reducing your stress:

    1. Quick “fix” tools or strategies to push stress away.
    2. Shift the way you relate to stress.

    When you do both, you have self-knowledge, tools, and skills. Which leads you to be in control of your emotions and responses to whatever happens in your life.

    Relying on “quick fix” strategies to deal with stress can leave you feeling stressed and stuck.

    Long-term strategies can be so overwhelming you can get swept up in not knowing how to lower it right now.

    There are a lot of strategies for coping with stress, but what works when you need it most is the goal.

    Sustainable Stress Solutions

    A sustainable system for quick reductions, like when someone cuts you off on the freeway. And long-term, big-picture ways to keep your baseline level lower, like when you have small children, your business is expanding, or anything else that happens over a long time.

    Changing your relationship so that you’re in control even when it seems there’s no way you can be. The trite saying, the only thing we can count on is death and taxes. But I think we should also add stress to the list too. It will always be a part of life.

    Things will pop up unexpectedly, like:

    • The dog eats another sock and needs to go to the vet.
    • Your computer crashes when you’re in the middle of a transaction.
    • Your child must be picked up from school early because she has a sore throat.
    • You need to help your aging parents transition out of their home.
    • No matter how much you try, the 20 pounds you gained in lockdown isn’t going anywhere!

    So how do you change your relationship with stress and why is it a relationship anyway?

    We are always in a relationship with someone or something.

    Relationships are about interactions with others and the environment. It’s true for ourselves, too – we have relationships with thoughts, feelings, and actions that we take.

    We’re in the process of both experiencing and creating meaning at the same time.

    The more complex the relationship, the deeper and more critical the relationship’s meaning in our lives.

    Stress is part of our complex relationship with ourselves.

    One effective way of dealing with stress is to understand that you are always in a relationship with stress.

    Instead of trying to remove stress from your life, view it as an essential part of your life. Stress is something to be aware of and always in relationship with whatever else you are experiencing.

    As we all know, relationships have hundreds of different aspects operating simultaneously.

    Internalized Meaning

    We have internalized meanings based on all the experiences we have lived:

    • what our parents said to us
    • meaning we attached to specific emotions
    • what our parents’ beliefs are vs. our own
    • how teachers treated us
    • what value was placed on communicating our thoughts and feelings

    These are usually the unexamined assumptions we make about life. You might notice them when you have a judgment about someone’s decisions. 

    Take politics, for example; if you have strong opinions on one side, you might be utterly perplexed at how the opposite side believes what they believe.

    Most likely, the internalized meanings the other has fundamentally oppose your own internalized meanings that shape how you think the country needs to be governed.

    Externalized Meaning

    We have externalized meanings about a lot of things, like:

    • assessments from our teachers, bosses, parents, etc.
    • what we interpret others are thinking – without confirmation
    • values you receive from society, religion, work, school, etc.
    • implied meaning from laws and rules that give you a code of conduct

    Externalized meaning tells you the larger culture’s viewpoint on how to behave or what you should do to get along with others. We often assume that the meaning is correct and that it is THE way to live your life.

    Sometimes they are; it’s not good to kill people and there will be both societal and personal consequences if you do. Most people will feel regretful if they kill someone. Regret may be a personal consequence, but there are exceptions to societal consequences like self-defense, war and accidents – all based on the meaning the external forces give to the situation.

    What changes our relationship with stress?

    The internalized and externalized meanings shape your relationship with specific emotions and guide you on which action to take based on the meaning. If you struggle with emotional mastery, it’s challenging to be in alignment with what you need and want in your life, which increases your baseline level of stress. The relationship with stress changes all the time. You’re more likely to react out of self-protection than to mindfully choose what is congruent with what you need and want.

    We all need quick fixes some of the time. When you’re feeling an immediate escalation of distress, anger, or fear, calming your brain as quickly as possible might be what’s best. Tools, techniques, and strategies that you can rely on are what’s needed at the moment.

    The problem is that, at best, we’re taught quick fixes as if they are the only option. Sometimes, we’re not taught anything other than “just learn how to deal with it.” It was not very helpful since there were no instructions about what to learn!

    Stress will always be with us in some form since we have a relationship with stress.

    It’s a tension in life that can help to propel you forward to where you want to be.

    Wrapping Up

    Burnout and feeling overwhelmed aren’t possible when stress is kept at an overall lower level.

    You can establish well-being habits that help you quickly decrease stress spikes and live with a lower baseline stress level.

    If you can change how you think about stress, love, life and its meaning, you can make it work for you instead of against you. It’s different than trying to avoid, eliminate, or ignore stress; it’s working with what happens in your life and making meaning that moves you forward.

  • How Powerful Calm Makes Your Life Better

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    Blog post title image with modern flowers and title on a beige background that says: "how powerful calm makes your life better" powerfulcalm.com

    Wouldn’t it be great if you could reduce your stress in a few minutes? The good news is that you can.

    It takes three key concepts and a straightforward framework to get started. Powerful Calm is based on the latest research on stress relief. It provides an easy way to take control of your health and lower your levels of everyday stress. This article introduces you to the concepts and Powerful Calm framework so you can easily experience stress relief.

    The Powerful Calm Formula has three components: emotional mastery, clear communication and well-being habits.

    The Powerful Calm formula connects you to what matters most – a satisfying and fulfilling life. This happens in all areas of your life – your family, your career and most of all within yourself!

    The Power Calm framework is simple, sustainable and most of all it’s not a band-aid!

    It gives you a guide to help you understand how to reduce your stress level and achieve what you want for your life. The Powerful Calm formula has three parts: emotional mastery, clear communication and well-being habits. Each part of the Powerful Calm formula has action steps that will provide short-term and long-term benefits as they become part of your routine.

    Emotional Mastery

    Emotional mastery is:

    • building your mind/body emotional vocabulary
    • increasing curiosity about your emotional needs
    • using your knowledge to take care of yourself.

    What emotional mastery gives you is the knowledge about what you need for your well-being. The result is the ability to choose how to respond to any situation rather than allowing those situations to control you.

    When you become a master of your emotions, you gain an understanding of the effect that emotional intensity has on your experiences.

    This is important because it’s easier to respond in a way that matches your emotional needs in the moment. Matching your needs is vital to move through challenging emotions more easily and enjoy pleasant emotions more. The power to control your reactions is within reach, whether you feel anxious, angry, or calm and happy.

    The choice about how you respond rather than being controlled by your emotions is where you find your power – it’s the ultimate self-control!

    Emotional mastery goes beyond assuming accountability for the situation or outcome. It helps you to understand what led up to the emotional response and where you can go from there.

    Emotional mastery is the foundation of clarity.

    It’s challenging to move forward when you’re cluttered with emotions or stuck on one. However, when you master your emotions, push them away with immediate mindless reactions. You can take your time and mindfully choose how you need to respond.

    Clear Communication

    Every relationship needs effective communication for it to thrive. Lack of communication can undo what you’ve learned about emotional mastery and well-being habits in the first place!

    The most important person to be straightforward with is yourself!

    There is no fluff or excuses, just self-compassion and accountability.

    Solid self-talk can help reduce stress in all situations, especially when the stakes are high or emotions run hot.

    Effective communication with yourself is being honest and conversing without getting too worked up about things that don’t matter so that you can respond to a situation congruently.

    Sometimes, it’s taking the perspective of an observer and having the conversation with yourself like you would your most cherished friend.

    • Strong and loving
    • Kind and firm
    • Compassionate and honest

    You can only be transparent with others and meet your needs when clear with yourself. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. You’re always in your head, so why not make it the most pleasant relationship?

    Clear communication is a skill you can develop at any time in your life

    Well-being Habits

    Most of the time, we think we’re doing okay. Your head is above water, no matter how hard you kick to stay that way. You’re okay and everything is under control, but something happens, maybe a work deadline or an argument with your significant other.

    For most of my clients, stress has become a big part of their lives without them realizing it. What leads them to seek help is that the automatic stress reactions begin to harm their lives.

    • Being short with others
    • Long-term irritability
    • stress eating/drinking/over-exercise/no exercise/not enjoying life

    Emotional mastery and clear communication allow you to respond to stress instead of immediately reacting. When you master your emotions mindlessly, impulsively over or under-reacting doesn’t happen anymore.

    Well-being habits aren’t about becoming someone else or changing who you are. They’re about being open to change and making small changes that have a significant impact over time.

    Well-being habits are:

    • meditation/quiet time/reading/listening to music
    • mind/body practice like walking, yoga, stretching
    • connected conversations

    These are just a few examples. Well-being habits are more than flossing daily; they enhance your connection with yourself and the people in your life.

    Like any good habit, they become part of your life because you benefit greatly. And a bonus is that those around you benefit, too. You’ll become a leader in living a mindful, anti-stress lifestyle.

    When you recognize the power of well-being habits, it’s easier to become proactive in doing daily things to help bring more calm into your life.

    Wrapping up

    Power Calm is a simple framework to support your stress reduction and increase well-being with emotional mastery, clear communication, and well-being habits.

    With the Powerful Calm Formula, small changes in your thinking, behavior, and connection with yourself can make a huge difference in your stress level.

    This is what makes you powerful in your ability to keep calm.

    Each step along the way gives you powerful results:

    • Self-knowledge that leads to clear action
    • Clarity that leads to needs being met
    • Satisfaction that leads to fulfillment

    The power comes from knowing who you are and what you need your life to be.