Month: October 2021

  • 3 Ways Self-knowledge Makes You Emotionally Strong

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    Blog post title graphic with modern flowers on a beige background that says 3 Ways Self-Knowledge Makes You Strong powerfulcalm.com

    We are often blind to what our emotions are trying to tell us, and they are the basis for self-knowledge. It can be hard to pay attention when your head is piled high with tasks, appointments, and endless everyday worries that seem impossible to solve.

    Yet, when we pay attention and develop a deeper awareness, we have everything we need to make choices that align our lives with our needs and desires.

    It is impossible to say how much of this is a natural or an acquired ability, but it has been part of humankind’s evolutionary process since the beginning.

    We evolved to be aware of our environment and learn from our experiences to create a future full of purpose. This means that, without self-knowledge, life could be filled with regret, leading to suffering. The longer you put off pursuing self-knowledge, the more times you’ll have to reinvent the wheel, which only makes things worse.

    The process is simple. At the same time, it requires you to be patient with yourself. When you’re unsure, it takes time to figure out what you’re feeling rather than making a snap judgment that isn’t accurate. This is how self-knowledge makes you emotionally strong.

    Here is your 3 part recipe to increase your self-knowledge and emotional strength.

    Here is your 3-part recipe to increase your self-knowledge and emotional strength.

    1. Identify your emotions.

    When you are uncertain of yourself, introspection is the way to go.

    Identify the emotions you are experiencing at the moment. What is your gut feeling? Your breath? Your heart?

    Characteristics of an emotion include clarity, intensity, and pleasure or pain. If you don’t know what an emotion feels like, here are some examples for you to explore more closely:

    Anxiety – The immediate irritation present when faced with a particular situation.

    Disillusioned – The feeling that everything is not as good as it seems.

    Excited – A state of intense arousal, often with an accompanying sense of joy.

    Sad – A feeling of discomfort lacking clarity. It’s more like a vague melancholy.

    Anger – Clear sensations in your body signal the need to take action and be defensive against certain situations.

    Joy – The highest and most enjoyable emotion experienced by humans. It is a state of permanent happiness and contentment felt after great success or accomplishment.

    It’s essential to be as specific as possible with your emotions.

    This is one of the times in life where nuance matters a lot. Clarity about your internal state makes a difference. It’s too easy to get swept up in the immediate emotion and put it in a broad category when it might be much more subtle.

    Take, for example, anger and sadness. Many people become angry when they’re sad. They don’t want to experience loss and instead become angry as a way of pushing the feeling away.

    I had this experience when I moved across the country.

    I didn’t want to move; I loved where I lived and often thought, “Man, I love it here.” But, when it came time to begin the moving process, I started to pick out all the flaws and justify why it would be better to live elsewhere. I pushed away the fond feelings for a place I loved to make it easier to focus on the future.

    This process prevented me from acknowledging my experience of loss and the sadness I felt. Instead of letting go, feeling sad and being in the present, I was misaligned with myself. Ultimately, it made the transition more complex and it took longer than expected to settle into the new location.

    2. Put your experiences into context.

    Make a short list of 3 moments of your life that made you feel strong.

    When doing this exercise, pay attention to the emotions present during each of the three experiences.

    What emotions were present for these three events? What characteristics did they have?

    Once you have this information, it’s time to contextualize it. Explain each of these three moments as if you were explaining your life story to someone new. This exercise requires a non-judgmental outlook – it’s just the observable information, not an evaluation of it.

    It’s helpful to make a note for yourself on your phone, in a journal, or on a sticky note that you put somewhere so you can see it often. Reminders like this help you keep the emotion and experience in your mind so it becomes part of what you do during the day.

    This is another way that self-knowledge makes you strong.

    3. Determine what your plans need to be.

    What would you do differently if you knew what your emotions were telling you?

    Imagine yourself in the future.

    If you knew what was going on inside of you at the time, would this future change?

    Which ones?

    Why?

    What must you do to bring this future about, or how can it be easier or faster?

    A word of warning.

    Many people think they can skip over numbers 1 and 2 above and go right for number 3 to create a more aligned future. But it just doesn’t work that way. It would be much less painful and messy if it did, but it doesn’t.

    Alignment takes time and reflection to know yourself and your needs. Don’t shortchange yourself by moving past this quickly. Most of us were never taught anything about emotions or feelings other than being told what is “appropriate” to feel for someone else’s convenience. There can be a lot of unpacking judgments in this phase.

    Shaping your life into one where you draw on your sense of inner calm and self-knowledge makes you emotionally intense so that you can live your life in a fulfilling way.

    It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day struggle of life and forget that we are all just one step away from creating our ideal futures.

    Conclusion

    No one is born with emotional mastery.

    It’s a learned skill that you can master at any point in your life. The process is simple, but knowing more about yourself with each step takes time.

    1. Identify your emotions.
    2. Put your experiences into context.
    3. Plan for the future based on the two previous steps.

    Self-knowledge makes you strong and able to handle anything with clarity, alignment and grace.

  • 10 Ways to be strong, feel calm and have clarity

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    Blog title image with modern red flowers, beige background that says 10 Ways to Be Strong, Feel Calm and Have Clarity powerfulcalm.com.

    Being strong, calm and clear are three ingredients anyone needs when they’re in the middle of challenging times.

    Hectic schedules, long work hours, health problems and fast-paced changes aren’t easy to handle. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, here are the keys to being strong, calm and clear:

    1. Breathe!

    Taking a few minutes out of every day to breathe can change your perspective on everything around you. It puts distance between the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that may be distracting you from focusing on what’s truly important. 

    It delivers more oxygen to your brain, lowers stress, and increases calming neurotransmitters for clarity.

    2. Change your environment.

    This is a big one. A change is needed when you’re around people you don’t want to be with. 

    Too much clutter or noise can increase anxiety if your physical environment is stressful. Even at a low level, they distract you from what you need to do. 

    Think about what you need to create a positive environment for yourself. Ask yourself if this is helping me or stopping me from doing what I need to do for my well-being.

    3. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

    Realize that others may not understand your life as well as you do. 

    Maybe you need time and space to understand your life, too.

    The first part of being calm is to understand what’s going on within yourself. Sometimes we take our first impressions as the only impression. 

    Take, for instance, a feeling. You might initially be irritated when someone doesn’t hold the door open.  You might quickly think it’s rude and the person is a jerk. This might be true, but often we don’t have the opportunity to find out. 

    When your feelings linger and you wonder why you can’t shake an insignificant situation, it’s probably something else, like feeling invisible, disrespected, unimportant, or any other feelings that need care. 

    Understanding yourself is an act of self-compassion. This leads to more calm and clarity and knowing what you need.

    4. Being strong comes from self-knowledge

    Every one of us has a reason to be here and a purpose. Seek that purpose. 

    You may not see the storyline that made you who you are, but trust it and hang on to what you know. Your life is unfolding in ways no one can predict. 

    As you go through life, it may not be what you expected if you followed the plan. Go to school, create a promising career, find the right partner, have the kids or not and then you’ll have the life you dreamed of. But when it doesn’t turn out that way, many people doubt they’re on the “right” path. I don’t think there’s a right path, just your one. 

    Each path has many options, and you can change your direction to a path that feels more aligned with what you need. Sometimes, it takes some exploring to find out which path it is. Take each day as it comes, make wise decisions and in the end, you’ll get to where you need to be.

    5. Build a reservoir of calm

    Strength comes from building your reserves of calm and clarity. 

    When you know where you end and the other begins it’s easier not to let the emotions of others upset you. Emotional boundaries aren’t about being unfeeling or lacking empathy; they’re about respecting yourself and others so that you each have your own experiences. 

    Your self-knowledge and well-being habits are skills you can learn to keep stress low and reservoir of calm.

    6. If something is bothering you, deal with it then and there.

    Don’t put it off for tomorrow. If you let the sun set on the problems that you have today, they will only create more mind-clutter. 

    Ask yourself three things: 

    1. How am I feeling? 
    2. What do I need?
    3. Which action do I need to take? 

    Sometimes, your answer might be, “I don’t know,” and that’s completely okay. You might need to give it a few minutes and allow some space to get clear. 

    The idea is not to let it linger and avoid dealing with something that needs your attention.

    7. Clear communication with yourself and others takes time

    Use it. Don’t talk yourself out of your ideas or accept less than what you need. Don’t settle for less than what you are for convenience. 

    Being heard and understood will help you to keep growing in your relationships – with yourself and others.

    8. Choose your words wisely and be sincere even when wrong.

    Don’t try to manipulate yourself or others with your words by saying something different from what is in your heart. 

    When you’re clear, it’s easier to speak how you would like to be spoken to, with compassion, sincerity, and integrity. 

    Remember, personal integrity is a gift you can give yourself every day.

    9. Know what’s most important to you and cherish and protect it.

    No one knows exactly what will happen; don’t put your happiness in someone else’s hands. 

    Be responsible for your feelings and trust that others can also choose to be responsible for their feelings. 

    Your job is to take care of your well-being.

    10. The simple things matter.

    A smile, a compliment, or a walk through the woods can give you the energy you need to find inner clarity and inspiration. The simple things sprinkle the day with positive feelings and bathe your brain in feel-good neurochemicals. 

    It’s essential to take a step back and savor those moments. They are the antidote to negativity and false positives.

    Conclusion

    Being strong, feeling calm and having clarity are all possible. 

    When life feels overwhelming and your mind is cluttered with everything you need to do, people you need to take care of, and situations that need your attention, it can seem impossible. 

    There isn’t a magic wand, but one thing makes a difference – it’s your relationship with yourself. 

    When self-compassion becomes a priority in your life, it leads to more calm and clarity and strengthens you!

  • Do you need more than peace to be fulfilled?

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    Blog title image with a blue and pink modern flower and beige background that says, Do you need more than peace to be fulfilled? powerfulcalm.com

    I found the answer was to take care of my needs that I had buried while taking care of everything and everyone. It was the simple yet challenging step that led to longer-lasting happiness and contentment, which means – peace.

    What do you really want?

    I’ve found that I want a few essential things. I care about the people around me and my own needs and for all of us to be happy and fulfilled.

    I also care about people who aren’t close to me and who I don’t often think of.

    If things are going well, I’m good at thinking about everyone in my life and making sure I’m contributing in some way to their happiness.

    Sometimes, though, even when things are going well, that’s not enough for me. I want things to be even better. What I don’t want to be stressed out all the time.

    I think about what you really need to be happy.

    We often look for happiness in things we think we can do something about. But when we look for it in the things that don’t seem to change, I wonder whether there is more than peace.

    For the high-achieving career women I work with, struggling to find the space and time for themselves while caring for their family, maintaining connections with friends, and pursuing their interests is challenging.

    Many single women are often convinced that they’ll be happy if they find the “right” relationship. It’s hard to give up the fairytale that was ingrained in our psyche so long ago. It’s so pervasive in children’s stories that even as an adult who knows her relationship with herself is what leads to inner peace, the wish that the fairy godmother will show up with her magic wand is a solid image to change.

    Women who feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness and feel guilty for not being able to contribute to it, even after spending time meeting their own needs, can wear down even the most resilient of women.

    The most important thing is that you are happy.

    You are responsible for it, but don’t let that throw you off track. I’ll repeat it.

    The most important thing is that you are happy.  Don’t put the responsibility for your happiness on anyone else, even your spouse or partner. Although they can significantly contribute to your happiness, the outcome of your life is ultimately up to you.

    But some things could make you happy. For instance, if your spouse or partner can do something to bring you happiness, let them. If they can’t, then the best thing to do is for you to take steps to bring about happiness on your own. The thing I want you to remember is there is no magic wand.

    There’s nothing that will automatically make you happy

    It’s not the day that:

    • The kids go to college.
    • You get the big promotion you’ve worked the last ten years to achieve.
    • Drive off from the car dealership in your dream car.

    Your understanding of what is important to you will change. It’s fun to enjoy the freedom of choice success brings, like sending the kids to college or the income from the promotion and driving a nice car feels good, but don’t let that stop you from pursuing what brings you a deep sense of fulfillment.

    If you think when things are going well, but that’s not enough for me, you’re probably moving toward fulfillment.

    “I want things to be even better,” it a kind of declaration that you need to take steps towards the peace that brings fulfillment.

    To me, peace is an accomplishment, but it’s not the biggest achievement in life.

  • How To Stop Negative Thinking From Becoming A Habit

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    Blog title image with modern flowers and a beige background that says How to change the negative thinking habit and enjoy life, powerfulcalm.com

    Self-compassion is the missing ingredient that stops the habit of negative thinking.

    It’s not about being selfish but rather being kind to yourself, acknowledging that sometimes it’s okay to make mistakes or feel bad.

    Self-compassion helps you treat yourself with kindness and understanding when you make a mistake or experience a difficult situation.

    Self-compassion helps you to look at the big picture. Life is full of both positive experiences and negative experiences. Self-compassion enables you to look at both sides of life non-judgmentally to move forward with clarity and prevent a negative thinking habit.

    Courageously embracing self-compassion will change your life in many ways.

    The immediate benefits are less negative thinking, more motivation, greater resilience, and more happiness. But the ultimate goal is to fully accept ourselves as we are – which can lead us towards living a fulfilling life.

    What’s the big deal about self-compassion?

    Self-compassion is crucial for success, well-being and happiness because it’s an antidote for negative thinking and poor self-esteem. It might not be the most crucial factor in happiness, but it’s undoubtedly one of the most important.

    So why is self-compassion so crucial in our lives?

    The short answer is that it helps us to overcome negative thinking. And to do that, we need to feel compassion for ourselves— when we are suffering.

    The goal of the rest of this article is not to teach you how to be compassionate towards yourself when you are suffering but rather to provide you with the knowledge that will help you understand how self-compassion can help you overcome negative thinking and achieve your goals faster. Hopefully, the result is less suffering in your life.

    Negative Thinking

    Imagine you are in a high-pressure situation where you can’t understand what’s happening, and no one will answer. Think about the last time you had a client or employee who isn’t getting what you’re communicating. You try to figure out how to communicate more effectively, and yet, they blame you for not helping them get the result they want.

    As the stress and tension grow, so does your frustration and anger until finally, you burst out in a rage, screaming at your family, crying and feeling like a failure too.

    Now imagine how you would feel if this happened to you. Would you feel content, happy and satisfied? Or perhaps sad, downcast and disappointed? More than likely, it would be the latter. This is because we often judge ourselves very harshly on our own mistakes. When you can practice self-compassion, it helps to be more accepting of yourself.

    Self-esteem

    High self-esteem doesn’t always result in more motivation and success. A person with high self-esteem can sometimes feel frustrated, disappointed and demotivated. Some people with high self-esteem have difficulty overcoming their negative thoughts and keep feeling frustrated or discouraged even though they believe firmly in themselves.

    Having a more realistic view of ourselves helps us to acknowledge our shortcomings while still having confidence in ourselves. This is where self-compassion comes into play.

    In psychology, the term “self-compassion” was coined by Kristin Neff, a researcher from the University of Texas. In her experiments, self-compassion is crucial in overcoming negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves. It helps us to take a step back from our thoughts and see them for what they are – just thoughts.

    How does self-compassion help you?

    According to Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion, it helps us in four crucial ways:

    1. It stops the vicious cycle of self-criticism.

    When you’re in a critical frame of mind, it can be hard to think about yourself in any other way. The more you beat yourself up, the more negative thoughts you have about yourself, and the more frustrated and demotivated you become.

    Many people get stuck in a cycle where they criticize themselves for not being good enough. “I don’t have what it takes to get where I want.” These thoughts can quickly become a vicious cycle that keeps going round and round.

    But sometimes, we can outsmart ourselves by saying, “I know I haven’t been doing well lately and I’ll improve soon. I’m sure I can get better at this. I want to do better. I don’t want to give up.”

    2. It helps put things in perspective.

    When we have a favorable view of ourselves, it’s easier for us to see ourselves calmly and realistically instead of seeing ourselves in a negative manner that gets us down repeatedly. Self-compassion allows us to be more objective when resolving our problems instead of being stuck in the situation.

    The more self-compassion you have, the less you worry about things and the less often you experience negative emotional states such as anxiety, sadness and stress.

    Empathy is one of the most essential aspects of self-compassion, and it’s the primary reason why self-compassion is so effective. Research shows that those who are more self-compassionate experience less negative emotions like anxiety and depression.

    3. It helps you be more resilient to adverse events.

    A person with low self-esteem can feel bad about himself after not meeting his goals. A person with high self-esteem might not care as much. However, a person with low self-esteem can feel very discouraged and unmotivated.

    Although there is a clear link between low self-esteem and depression, there is also a link between high self-esteem and anxiety. In her research, Kristin Neff, a leading self-compassion researcher, found that anxiety can be reduced by practicing more compassion toward oneself. This led to less negative emotional states such as anxiety.

    This was a significant finding for Neff since a major factor in the development of depression and anxiety is our negative thoughts.

    Practicing self-compassion can help you relax and return to a more positive mindset. This can help to alleviate negative emotional states such as anxiety, frustration and sadness.

    4. It helps you be motivated about your goals.

    If we judge ourselves based on our actions, we will never be able to do anything suitable or achieve anything meaningful. As a result, we feel less motivated about our goals and give up faster. Self-compassion is a powerful motivator because it helps you to enjoy your accomplishments and learn from your failures.

    Neff found that self-compassion helps us to have a more positive mindset about ourselves and the world around us. This can lead to being more motivated to achieve your goals when you trust yourself and look forward to achieving things with an optimistic attitude.

    Conclusion

    Self-compassion has a direct impact on negative thinking and self-esteem. It isn’t “going easy on yourself” or “letting yourself off the hook” to avoid accountability. Self-compassion helps you to view situations as they are, which helps to improve your relationship with yourself as your life becomes less stressful and more fulfilling.