Stress Eating

  • 3 Steps to Stop Struggling with Stress Eating Right Now

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    Struggling with stress eating may go something like this…

    If I could…

    …find the right way to eat, I won’t have cravings.

    …gain some more willpower, I would be stronger and I could resist my urges.

    …detox from addictive/sugary foods, I would be free.

    …stick with something long enough for it to take.

    … get to the bottom of why I struggle with stress eating; I wouldn’t have a food problem.

    What’s so wrong with this way of thinking?

    These all seem reasonable if you buy into a diet mentality that focuses on food being the problem.

    But when we’re working on healing stress eating from the viewpoint of Conscious Eating, it’s a whole other world out there!

    Fortunately, it’s a world of helpful information, growth-oriented and focused on healing your relationship with yourself, food and your body.

    Struggling with stress, eating isn’t about food.

    The struggle with eating stress begins with a shift from focusing on food. Instead, developing a richer awareness of your emotions, what to do with them, and how to calm your mind and body is the pathway to long-term change, so you no longer need stress eating.

    You probably have a pretty good idea about what “healthy” eating is. Since you’re reading this online, you can access great nutritional information from various sources here and here.

    The old way of thinking is that you’ll have more control if you get the nutrition right, but it doesn’t work like that. It’s an illusion that information instills motivation. The illusion leads to a belief that you’ll stop struggling with stress eating by changing what you eat.

    Relationships are complicated

    If it were this easy, you would have accomplished this already. Relationships are complicated and your relationship with food and stress are both multi-layered. And when you combine the two, the layering is doubled!

    The problem is that making sense of emotional experiences and translating them into language or feelings is sometimes complicated. But, when it’s challenging to make sense of the feeling quickly, this is when struggling with stress eating happens. Stress eating is calming and when you can think of it as one way to calm yourself, it can help to relieve some of the shame, guilt, or regret about it so that you can explore other ways to calm and feel better without mindlessly stress eating.

    A lot of the time, getting specific about how you feel helps. On the surface – ‘I’m mad or angry’ states your thoughts. But, to prevent stress eating, you’ll need to put a finer point on it like, ‘I’m feeling frustrated and disappointed that my thoughts and feelings aren’t being acknowledged and taken into account when a decision is made.

    That level of emotional awareness requires a different type of response than one that is ‘anger.’ It requires you to take some time for you to focus on your needs. When you assess what you need, consider the best choice so your stress level decreases and you probably won’t be thinking about food too much.

    If your attention does shift to food, it could be for comfort, distraction, habit, etc. That’s okay since now you know what you need and can choose to eat.

    You can assess your hunger or fullness.

    You can consciously assess if you want to eat, consider how you might feel, and if it will help you. You can choose whether it’s what you want or if something else feels better.

    The good news is that these are all decisions you consciously make, one feeling at a time.

    This increased knowledge or awareness is at the heart of struggling with stress eating.

    When you develop the skills to calm your stress reactions, you also interrupt the cycle of stress eating. As you learn more about your internal reactions and how to calm them, you’ll be well on your way, no longer struggling with stress eating.

    Emotional awareness is the antidote to struggling with emotional eating.

    Emotions can feel overwhelming, but let’s break it down into more manageable parts.

    How do you create the emotional space between yourself and food so you can figure out what you need?

    The key to emotional mastery is learning the skills for greater emotional awareness to reduce your stress and prevent any struggle with stress eating before it starts.

    Three ways to change your relationship with stress and stop struggling with stress eating.

    1. Reconnect with your sense of calm.

    There’s a part of you, no matter how small or how long it’s been since you’ve experienced it, that can feel a sense of calm. At least once a day, create some space to be quiet and notice how you feel when there isn’t anything pressing happening. The idea is to create a restful, calm sense of self.

    Creating a restful place inside yourself is a process. No one is perfect and sometimes tapping into your calm place is more manageable than at other times.

    Calming yourself is a skill that you can learn at any time in life and it gets easier with practice.

    The goal is to give your mind and heart a little space so you can increase your emotional awareness.

    2. Identify the feeling that most frequently leads to stress eating.

    The next step is to identify the feeling or feelings you experience before struggling with stress eating.

    When you identify your feelings, you’ll most likely think of general feelings like, mad, sad and angry, which is a good starting point.

    Now that you’ve identified the general feeling, you can spend a little time breaking it down into smaller parts and maybe thinking about the feeling from different aspects of the feeling as you fine-tune how you feel.

    One tool many of my coaching clients use is looking up alternative words in a thesaurus.

    Use the thesaurus to increase your emotional vocabulary and try on, so to speak, some of the feelings. Look up the dictionary definition and see if it fits how you feel. You might even find different words as you do a little investigation into your feelings.

    The more specific the feeling, the closer you get to taking care of your emotions and struggling with stress eating less.

    This part of the process can also be a relief and fun. Knowing how to describe your feelings is very accessible since it helps you understand what to do to feel better. It gives you direction for improving your relationship with yourself.

    3. Develop your emotional mastery plan

    Changing how you take care of yourself, struggling with stress and identifying and managing your emotions is life-changing. When you have options about how you respond to your emotions, true freedom dissolves stress.

    You are in control, not vague and confusing feelings that lead to stress eating. The result is that you’re back in control and struggling with stress eating isn’t an issue.

    A plan for identifying your feelings can look like this:

    1. Acknowledge the discomfort you feel.
    2. Take a deep breath and give yourself some space. If it’s not an emergency, you don’t need to treat it like one; you have time.
    3. Identify whether you are hungry, tired, or thirsty. If it’s not physical, then…
    4. Identify what you feel uncomfortable about – work, home, or your relationship with yourself.
    5. What is the “big” overall feeling? This feeling could be the overall summary of how you’re feeling.
    6. You can then break it down into more minor, nuanced feelings and see if something more specific fits.
    7. Think about what you need and what type of self-care will help you move forward and take action for your well-being.
    8. Ask yourself if you need to open up to more possibilities.
    9. Is a conversation with someone needed?
    10. Do you need to use a different set of skills when the feeling comes around again?

    As you read this in the protocol, it’s a linear, step-by-step list. But as we know emotions aren’t that structured at all! They are messy and confusing and may feel very strong one instant and then morph into something else a few minutes later.

    Conclusion

    Identifying your feelings is often one of mulling things over time. You can come back to it when you realize another aspect later.

    As you work on your emotional mastery, your ability to name and calm your emotions will get easier, faster and much less stressful.

  • 3 Ways to Turn Body Hate into Body Love

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    There are two paths – body hate vs body love.

    There is no in-between, justifications, or talking yourself into what-ifs.

    Maybe I like the color of my eyes, but my legs are too short. Or perhaps I like the way my body moves, just not the muscles or the bit of jiggle. There isn’t room for an in-between-the-line sort of perspective.

    Can you parse out your relationship with your body like that and still have a “healthy body image?”

    It doesn’t happen much, but there are all-or-nothing situations. The gray areas only serve to distract from how you truly feel. When the painful reality of how much body hate you endure daily, it’s time to make a real commitment to change.

    Two Paths: hate or love.

    Why do you hate your body?

    The path of hate is an easy one. You can continue living with negative thoughts and feelings about your body and you’ll find a lot of company. It’s how we’re socialized, especially women, that there’s always something not good enough. It’s expected that you will join in the negative body talk. For many people, it’s a bonding experience to share your pain of dissatisfaction with your body.

    If you tend toward stress, eating is the usual fallback to soothe the pain – temporarily.

    Self-deprecating humor about your body means saying, ‘Yep, we’re in the same boat; I don’t like myself either!’

    Going along with the crowd

    You can continue to agree with the millions of magazines, social media posts, radio and TV commercials, billboards, and so on that tell you your body could be better. The way to cure body hate is through diet and exercise. It’s the logic that if you do this, you will love yourself, and your life will magically fall into place because you’ve reached some physical acceptability.

    Okay, maybe they don’t say the last bit, but the message is loud and clear for many people.

    You might think, if this celebrity spokesmodel can make it happen, so can I! The plan they’re selling will finally get me you where you’re supposed to be.

    Do this and you will receive lots of other good things in life.

    Sometimes, it’s even presented that you don’t deserve good things or aren’t worthy if your body is less than some arbitrary acceptable definition.

    These messages are often followed by competing messages that show delicious-looking foods that will bring fun and happiness into your life. You follow the trigger and assure yourself this is the last stress-eating episode.

    Mindset and body love

    From a mindset perspective, this type of thinking falls into the fixed mindset category. You’re looking outside of yourself to change the way you feel. It makes sense if you haven’t experienced a different self-relationship; how would you know a different way is possible?

    Carol Dweck, a Stanford researcher who studies mindset, has shown that people who have a growth mindset are better able to take risks, challenge their fixed mindset beliefs, and are willing to identify fixed mindset triggers and learn from them. This means that when you approach life from a growth mindset, you’re eager to evolve and incorporate new ways of being with yourself, even when what you know doesn’t work and you’re not sure what will work.

    When applied to transforming body hate into love, you need to willingly look clearly at your thoughts and feelings as well as the conversations you have with yourself and others about body image, so you can identify triggers that keep you in a fixed state of hate.

    You can also take action when you stop paying attention to information that doesn’t help; even when it’s uncomfortable, try a different way.

    Just think of how much time and energy you’ve spent keeping things the same. You were searching for an answer in something that worked for someone else instead of listening to yourself. Paying attention to your body so that you receive the information you need to become who you need to be.

    How to grow your body love

    The path of love is much more difficult.

    The path of love takes time.

    The reward is the transformation from the inside out – real, lasting change.

    What I can promise you is that if you take the path of love, you will –

    • get frustrated
    • doubt you’re on the correct road
    • make mistakes.

    These are all expected and welcomed because this is where change grows into new ways of being with yourself.

    Transformational change results in a life shift that is nearly impossible to reverse.

    The changes become part of who you are.

    Why do we often take the path of hate when love is so much better?

    The path of hate has many people you can join up with.

    There’s a lot of advice and support to stay in the struggle and stay the same. Keep up the battle and live in discontent with your body because we’re all together on this! It’s familiar and the reinforcement you receive is all around.

    The old stories you tell yourself need somewhere to go. It would be best if you stashed the discomfort to get relief. All the better if you can blame outside of yourself. But the problem is that you’ll need to wait for society, your family, the media to change before you can feel better. Your power is stripped away.

    Family Body Stories

    Body stories are like other lore. They are passed down from your parents, teachers, coaches, culture and kids will either rebel or adopt these beliefs.

    Many studies have examined family relationship patterns (here, here, here) and their influence on body image. What we know is that especially in mother–daughter relationships, the unhappier mom is with her body, and there is increased body image and eating problems in the child. Without intervention, this relationship pattern continues into adulthood and gets passed down to the next generation.

    The research has also shown that when parents have a positive relationship with their bodies, it provides insulation from body image issues and the diet messages that bombard us in daily life.

    It’s a big culturally acceptable bath of yuck that most women, at one point or another, will jump into and sadly never get out of.

    The struggle is having a healthy, loving relationship with your body.

    Maybe you would like to change your weight, find an exercise plan you enjoy, make some changes to how you eat and generally feel better in your body. That’s great!

    You can do any or all of those things and protect yourself from the influence of a fixed mindset by focusing on what you think and instead doing what’s right for you.

    Your body story influences your day-to-day life, so make it supportive!

    Here are three ways to help you get started

    The first step is to pay attention to the little things you say to yourself. The judgments and comments you make to others about your body and eating habits. Also, the silent judgments you make about others that you would be mortified if they found out. Kindness and compassion are a circle that supports emotional well-being for all when it’s freely given and received.

    1. Challenge yourself with supportive questions

    • Is this what I want to say to myself and how does this affect me by giving voice to it?
    • Is this thought or feeling leading me to health and well-being?
    • Does this help me become who I need to be, or does it keep me standing still?

    Having some supportive and compassionate statements at the ready is also helpful. Don’t worry; I’ve got you covered just below.

    2. Reframe your story; every ‘because’ argument has at least two sides

    You’re the one who decides which direction to go. Sometimes, it must be true if it’s something you’ve thought or heard for many years.

    But is it? People can change at any point in their lives. Sometimes, it takes minimal effort and other times, it can seem like you’re moving with lead weights strapped to your ankles. Keep moving anyway.

    When change happens slowly, allow yourself to acknowledge all the tiny victories because they will add to the change you want to happen.

    When change happens quickly, remember all the time, thought, planning and action you have put into making it a reality. Most overnight successes were years in the making.

    Both fast and slow changes need to be honored – with abundant love.

    You’re more likely to make healthful decisions when you feel better and your self-esteem is high. Positive creates more positive. This is why the path of love, although more challenging to navigate at first, becomes more accessible. You will experience more freedom and greater well-being in the process.

    3. You can choose love over hate at any time

    You can change your thoughts and they have the power to transform body hate.

    Here are some alternative statements to get you started:

    I hate my body.

    Alternative: I’m nurturing a loving relationship with my body.

    My ______ is too fat/thin.

    Alternative: My body is just as it needs to be now, and I am evolving. 

    My ______ says I’m ______.

    Alternative: I choose my relationship with my body and nurture myself with love.

    I feel fat!

    Alternative: I have many feelings and there’s more to feeling fat.

    I can’t eat ______.

    Alternative: I choose foods that nurture my mind, body and heart.

    I need to work off those calories!

    Alternative: I am integrating all food choices into my lifestyle and I move my body with peace.

    My body doesn’t like me.

    Alternative: I am getting to know another side of my relationship with my body and practicing self-compassion is part of it.

    I feel gross like this.

    Alternative: I am changing and sometimes I will feel uncomfortable and it will pass.

    I’m just not attractive.

    Alternative: I am growing in my appreciation of beauty in all aspects of myself.

    I wish I had ______.

    Alternative: I have all that I need right now and know that I may change in the future.

    I don’t feel like myself anymore.

    Alternative: I am focusing on being present and learning what I need to care for myself in new ways.

    In Sum

    Use this list as a starting point to become more aware of your internal conversation. Use the awareness to shape statements to provide you with the information you need to support and trust yourself – that you can change your self-relationship and be comfortable in your body.

  • 3 Principles to be a Conscious Eater for Life

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    We all want to eat healthy, live well, and be our best selves. Unfortunately, stress eating can rob you of your best intentions. Fortunately, when you become a Conscious Eater, you learn how to experience and maintain freedom from stress eating.

    The cycle of stress eating usually goes something like this –

    • something happens that triggers an uncomfortable emotion
    • you reach for the chocolate (or whatever you like) one more time to calm down
    • enjoying the deliciousness of it is soothing
    • you promise yourself it’s the last time and you’ll “be good.”
    • feeling guilty about eating for emotional comfort

    Sometimes, it’s all of these emotions simultaneously, and that’s incredibly frustrating. The kicker is that it usually leads to even more stress in the long run.

    When you need quick relief from the stress, it’s not like it can wait – you need it as soon as possible!

    At the same time, stress eating isn’t a solution that lasts and if you’re reading this article, I bet you know it’s a cycle that repeats despite your best intentions.

    I also bet that you know when you stop stress eating, you’ll feel in control and that’s a good thing. The goal is to be at peace with yourself, your body, and your life and ultimately make peace with food for good.

    Another diet isn’t the answer because how you use food is the real problem.

    You’re probably at the point where you want more than feeling good about your body – you want to own your life!

    It’s motivating to keep going when you feel in control of your life. Losing weight, joining a new gym, or reading a great self-help book can be the spark, but when the sole focus is losing weight – that’s the definition of putting all your eggs in one basket. The problem is that you either “fall off the wagon,” or the excitement disappears when you reach your goal. That’s when people revert to the same Eating and physical activity behaviors. What you’re left with—well, you—and that feeling of ‘what do I do now?’ How do I maintain my balance without fearing the next stressful eating episode is just around the corner?

    You want, no, you need absolute freedom from stress eating.

    A whole-person perspective that integrates mind, body and heart would be great. After all, it would be best if you lived with yourself, and you want to be happy too.

    Conscious Eating is a way of living in a relationship with yourself that lasts a lifetime.

    You can live a long and happy life where you feel good in mind, body and heart while you experience freedom from stress eating.

    Creating a relationship with yourself leads to lasting change based on trust and respect so you can take care of your emotional well-being.

    You can stop stress eating and become a Conscious Eater.

    Fortunately, Conscious Eating supports you in making positive, life-enhancing changes that you can integrate into your life anytime.

    Conscious Eating is listening to your heart in the present moment, free from judgment, with the knowledge that you can provide yourself with the nourishment you need for a fulfilling life.

    Respect, kindness, and compassion are the hallmarks of Conscious Eating.

    Each time you eat, you can pause, center yourself and come to the table for nourishment and well-being.

    Conscious Eating frees you from the fear of missing out, which is often fueled by the anxiety that you must have what you want now for one of these reasons:

    • it may be gone soon
    • this is the last time
    • the diet starts tomorrow

    Mindless Eating can be like that.

    Sometimes it’s:

    • distraction
    • avoidance
    • controlling feelings that seem unmanageable

    Stress eating focuses only on the food, without regard for your nutritional needs, preferences, or whether you want to eat.

    It is impossible to Consciously Eat what you don’t want or like without experiencing a conflict because you’re out of alignment with yourself.

    Conscious Eating is liberating.

    Conscious Eating frees you from overfocusing on food and underfocusing on your emotional well-being.

    You can create the space to stop momentarily, give yourself time and identify your feelings.

    What are you hungry for, and what might be satisfying?

    Conscious Eating is a fundamental shift in your mindset about how you listen to yourself and take care of yourself.

    Conscious Eating requires compassionate patience.

    As a Conscious Eater, you’ll learn to nourish yourself in the word’s meaning.

    Nourishment: to provide food and other things needed for health, growth, etc.

    The goal is to truly enjoy your relationship with food and your body without guilt, negative self-talk, excuses, or shame.

    Each meal is one moment in time.

    Food has its proper place in your life and is one aspect of life – sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it’s a small part. Nonetheless, there are other equally meaningful parts of life.

    Sometimes, you will eat purely for fuel. You are hungry, busy, and need nutrition to function well. Knowing when you need to be quick and efficient versus when you can savor your meal is part of Conscious Eating.

    There is no such thing as a perfect eater!

    Real life happens.

    You may have days where there is one meeting after another and your energy needs are met through one energy bar after another or one cup of coffee too many.

    You may have days when what’s available isn’t appealing and you need to take care of your body and eat what’s available.

    Sometimes we eat just for energy and that’s okay.

    During times like these, Conscious Eaters are kind and compassionate, knowing they make the best decisions.

    You can nourish yourself and have confidence that you will have many opportunities to enjoy the foods you love.

    You can get back to listening to your natural rhythms.

    Becoming a Conscious Eater is often like getting back to nature. Eating more naturally, most of the time. It is like when you were little and ate because you were hungry and stopped when you were full. Even when you had something delicious, like your favorite ice cream, you listened to your body and stopped when your body let you know it was enough.

    And if this was not your experience growing up — maybe you never had the opportunity to listen to your body — you can learn how to listen now.

    Conscious Eating is a skill that you can develop at any time in your life.

    On the other hand, stress eating is a habit you can unlearn anytime!

    At some point in life, we all realize it’s not about weight or how you look in the mirror.

    It is more about how you want to live with yourself.

    Conscious Eating supports a relationship with yourself that is kind and compassionate in how you talk to yourself about your body and life.

    Breaking free from body criticism, stress eating, or the diet mentality is difficult.

    Whether it’s your conversations with others, television commercials, the latest magazine article, pop-up ads, or books, the message is how easy it will be to follow this or that plan and lose weight. Your reward will be unending happiness because a perfect body is the key to the good life. It’s a seductive message, but it isn’t reality.

    If a quick fix worked, we wouldn’t have so many new diets or “failures.”

    The solution isn’t easy. Freedom from stress eating takes effort.

    The reward for becoming a Conscious Eater is experiencing the fullness of life.

    Your life is yours to live right now- no longer being ruled by your feelings and led down the road of emotional eating one more time.

    You honor your life whenever you dare to risk listening to yourself.

    A wealth of knowledge about essential nutrition is easily accessible. Your challenge is to work within the parameters that fit for you. Respect any adjustments you need to make, given your specific health concerns.

    This process increases awareness, adjusts, and helps you move forward with new knowledge.

    There is no one size fits all; there is only what best fits you.

    Most of all, Conscious Eating is natural, kind, and filled with peaceful self-compassion.

    Conscious Eating breaks diet habits and leads to a calmer, more reasonable, thoughtful relationship with food.

    Often, when women talk about “my relationship with food,” it comes from a position of power – the food being more assertive.

    The diet mentality (there are good foods/bad foods, healthy/unhealthy food, the need to count calories, fat, carbohydrates, gluten, or whatever is the “baddy” of the moment) leaves your knowledge and wisdom about yourself out of the equation.

    There is a seesaw back and forth between knowing that you need to follow your path versus the overwhelming message that this plan or that diet will be “the one.” You never really reach a middle ground.

    Consciously make decisions that are guided by your self-knowledge.

    Struggle happens when you can’t integrate the latest diet fad into your life. “I start my diet on Monday,” it is just too much of a jolt to the system.

    Making changes gradually over time and allowing yourself to adjust to change step by step is usually more successful.

    Many women have been brought up with the cultural idea that feeling good about yourself and your body is not possible. You may have grown up believing that you are supposed to look a certain way or that there is one acceptable body type.

    If your body does not match up well, how could you ever feel good, never mind accept yourself?

    Conscious Eating is grounded in caring and compassion and provides nourishment, not only for your body with food but also for your mind and heart with peace.

    Conscious Eating Questions:

    • What is your body asking for?
    • What do you need to nurture your whole self?
    • What is your energy level for your planned activities?
    • What fuel do you need now—food, motivation, inspiration, peace, or something else?
    • What are your emotional needs?
    • Where is your heart leading you?

    It can be challenging to answer these questions thoughtfully in the beginning.

    Sometimes, you are swept up by emotions, thoughts, and memories and it is unclear what will calm your anxieties and fears.

    Longing for food can seem uncontrollable at times.

    The way out is to allow yourself some space and figure out what you need and how to nurture yourself as you experience it.

    Give yourself time and space to let the questions simmer. Give yourself the gift of thoughtfulness.

    3 Basic Elements of Conscious Eating – Mind, Body and Heart

    1. Mind – how your feelings shape your thoughts

    Most of us have the basic feelings: mad, sad, happy. One of the great things about Conscious Eating is that you learn to be more specific in identifying your feelings.

    With increased emotional awareness, your emotional vocabulary grows, leading to more options for best working with them.

    Rather than using food to calm or elevate your mood, you have many choices. For example, there are many ways to describe happiness. Joy, elation, glee, delight, well-being, merry. Each of these feelings has a different quality and experience of pleasure.

    Increasing your repertoire or vocabulary of emotions allows you to match the feeling with positive action.

    You can work with the emotion and move your life in the desired direction.

    Fulfillment, happiness, and peace in your relationship with food are possible because now you are taking care of your emotional health in ways that directly address what is missing.

    2. Body – How do you physically feel?

    Conscious Eating naturally leads you to regularly check in with your body with kindness and compassion.

    Conscious Eating allows you to check in with your subtle hunger cues and your need for movement, flexibility, and sleep.

    Most importantly, you respect your body’s information and meet your needs.

    A healthy relationship is built on a foundation of trust and mutual respect.

    Your relationship with your body’s hunger and satiety signals needs trust and respect, too!

    Conscious Eaters, stop, listen, and take good care.

    Allow yourself the time to check in and wait for an answer. Remember, snap judgments lead you away from consciousness.

    3. Heart – Quiet reflection

    The gift of listening to your heart is one of the guiding elements of Conscious Eating.

    This is where you will find the gentle strength of discernment.

    With experience and practice, you will know when a craving leads to “I just want it” instead of a thoughtful, centered perspective. You can ask yourself, “Am I using food, exercising, focusing on my weight, counting calories or macros to calm an uncomfortable feeling, or do I just have a craving?” This makes choosing what you want very easy.

    In sum

    The heart of Conscious Eating is a movement toward a better relationship with yourself. You know from your core what is best for you, and freedom from stress eating is a big part of your needs.

    The tug of war no longer exists. Instead, you’ll live your life with increasing peace and clarity.

    Your needs are considered first and foremost, whether caring for your emotions, eating, having quiet time, engaging in a nurturing physical activity, or something even more fulfilling.

    Deepening your relationship with yourself in a new way that brings you happiness happens constantly!

    I hope learning more about Conscious Eating and how it can bring more calm, happiness and peace into your life is helpful to you.

  • How to Unlock Negative Emotions that Trigger Stress Eating

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    Mindless stress or emotional eating.

    You’ve been there – eating when you don’t want to, but the stress needs to go somewhere, and that is when stress or emotional eating starts.

    It’s a distraction that helps to calm your stress with relief, even if it’s only for a few minutes.

    You’re only trying to get away from the negativity. Eating something, especially if it’s a high-carbohydrate snack, works!

    Your brain is bathed in calming, feel-good neurotransmitters that change your brain chemistry. Your brain is taking care of the immediate situation, “I need to calm the tension now.”

    This is the heart of mindless stress eating.

    You start feeling better when you have a pleasurable experience.

    But shame and guilt hit you like a ton of bricks, and now you’re right back to feeling uncomfortable, and the soothing you experienced starts to evaporate.

    What happens next? A lot of clients say it’s something like this:

    You already ate the food, so you –

    • restrict your food intake
    • promise that next time you will resist
    • focus on more willpower

    Or

    • you go back down the path of mindlessness, stress, or emotional eating
    • justify your discomfort by telling yourself you might as well enjoy it while you can
    • feel hopeless that you’ll ever be in control of food

    There are a lot of reasons why the stress or emotional eating cycle repeats over and over.

    The reason for the most significant impact is that you feel near immediate relief.

    There are many brain-chemical reasons why people feel a sense of control and relief after eating. Stress or emotional eating relieves uncomfortable feelings regardless of how long the relief lasts.

    The desire to create and maintain a calm state is a powerful drive. When emotional reactivity is high, stress or emotional eating is one of the quickest legal ways to get calm.

    Over the past few decades, the intersection of psychology and neuroscience has shown us that our emotions, how we feel, think, manage, and understand our experiences, are primarily based on learning how to cope and manage different states of being.

    What’s important about this is that we can learn new skills eventually.

    The bottom line is that you can learn how to become a conscious eater after years, decades, or even – of stress, emotional eating, or dieting.

    Mind, body and heart peace.

    When emotions are vague, people generalize them and think in broad brush strokes: “I feel bad or depressed, sad or mad, etc.”

    This is a good start and you can develop a more refined, specific emotional vocabulary to help you even more.

    It’s in our nature to seek to feel as good as possible, so when uncomfortable feelings surface, you probably want to eliminate them as quickly as possible.

    Spending time pondering the subtleties of sadness isn’t something most people tend to do without some highly motivating factor to do it.

    Emotional self-awareness requires you to be specific.

    Becoming a Conscious Eater helps you increase your emotional vocabulary to become more aware of your feelings. When this happens, you have more options for calming and soothing yourself without needing food to do the job for you.

    While I can’t promise that this is an easy task, I can tell you that just like learning anything new, you’ll become more skillful with intentional practice.

    Vague feelings lead to no specific action plan and lead to stress or emotional eating.

    So, why all this talk about the specifics of feelings? Getting specific about the feeling provides you with a broader range of options so you can feel better sooner.

    Here’s an example:

    Say you’re at work and there’s a project you’re leading, the deadline is near and it’s not going well. You’ve racked your brain to devise solutions, but it’s not happening. So, you decide to summon up courage and talk with your boss about it. You want to receive some guidance on how to move forward.

    Bad news: your boss is tense and busy with an emergency. Furthermore, she tells you that she expects you to handle it independently and is confident you’ll figure out what you need to do if you spend more time on it. She wraps up by telling you she has a conference call in 2 minutes and, with a tone, sends the message, Don’t come back with this problem – give me your best work in the morning.’

    Has this ever happened to you?

    I imagine we all have experienced some version of this at least once in life!

    Notice the feelings you might have felt as you read the example.

    Frustration at the inability to get the project done without a fresh perspective.

    Which can lead to anxiety about not knowing and needing to ask for help.

    This can lead to feeling vulnerable that your boss will judge your work performance as poor and that you’re not a valuable employee.

    Your boss’s response can lead to anger.

    You asked for help; she’s your boss, it’s part of her job and she’s not doing it!

    The anger, if left unexplored, can get stuck. You could focus on your boss’s incompetence or dislike of you, plan to set yourself up for failure, etc.

    The mind can go to dark places when we get stuck in fear!

    Even if all this negativity is true—there are difficult bosses out there—you can remain curious about the variety of feelings you experience and then decide if the feelings become problematic.

    The emotionally curious part of you, the part who desires to be more conscious and intentional in life, may have a conversation with yourself like this:

    I made myself vulnerable and asked for help when I needed it. Now I feel dismissed that my work isn’t necessary, maybe even taken to an old familiar feeling – I am unimportant.

    I’m disappointed because I really like my boss and look up to her as a role model and now, my heart is broken a little.

    Maybe she’s not the superwoman I wanted her to be.

    I feel even less able to do my best work and maybe I’m not as invested and excited as I once was. Perhaps I’ll go to lunch early and have my favorite food to console myself.

    But wait, no, maybe the problem she’s dealing with is more urgent now than the project due tomorrow. After all, it is an emergency! I know that she doesn’t have time until the problem is solved.

    She put her faith in me and tried to be encouraging but didn’t have the time or capacity.

    Considering all the feelings I’ve just processed, maybe I can give her what I have, make notes on what needs to be refined, and talk after the problem is resolved and she catches her breath.

    Maybe I can take a deep breath, walk outside, and get fresh air. It’s a nice day and that will help.

    I need to practice patience. Have a nourishing lunch, then get a game plan together so that I’m as prepared as possible at this point in my work.

    When you get more specific about your feelings, you have more options.

    With time and practice, you can get to the heart of the matter more quickly.

    There is a simplicity in directly addressing the nuance of feeling, which helps guide you in caring for the feeling.

    What if part of the problem with emotional eating isn’t the food but not being transparent about the feeling or what to do with it?

    What if you separate the food from the feeling in a way that gives you more information about the feelings and possibilities for taking care of yourself without focusing on food?

    The assumption we’re working with is – you need to fuel your body and fullness-satiety is a need. Nobody can work very well with their feelings if your body needs fuel. Get something to eat and check in with yourself. Nourish your body at the beginning of signs of hunger.

    The two systems – feeling and nourishment – are interrelated; we can’t truly separate them, but we can separate them enough to find clarity. They require different questions and, most often, different answers.

    Let food be food and emotions be emotions.

    Simplify.

    How to identify the nuance of feelings and prevent stress or emotional eating.

    Feelings identification process.

    There are three basic emotions that most people start from anxiety, anger, and sadness.

    Suppose you think about the intensity of the emotion, like a little anticipatory anxiety, when you’re in week two of a new job. Just a little, enough to keep you on your toes versus intense anxiety when you’re about to give a pitch to a venture capital team for several million dollars. The intensity of emotion about an unknown situation, like your first day on the job, can be consuming.

    If you lump these experiences into one, as if they are the same, you short-change your relationship with yourself.

    Lots of people do this every day.

    In the attempt to get past difficult emotions, you may dismiss them as if they are nothing, and in return, you miss the possibility of caring for yourself in a significant way.

    How to apply “feelings identification” to decrease stress or emotional eating.

    Depending on your experience with a particular emotion and the intensity you experience of it, you’ll need options. A variety of coping skills to work through the emotional experience helps a lot. You can get to the other side of your emotions faster and that’s what builds emotional awareness.

    Think of this like any new skill you learn. Riding a bike at first is shaky and usually involves losing your balance, falling off, and trying again. With each round of trial and error, you learn more. Your mind and body become experienced in bike riding and you know more about how to stay balanced.

    They are necessary steps that help you learn what not to do so you learn what works – faster.

    If you try a coping skill that doesn’t fit the emotion, meaning it doesn’t help decrease the intensity, it’s okay. Try the next idea – it may be the one that helps! I have a process for you to try to make it easier and hopefully faster.

    The SILK process can be very helpful in getting you the clarity you need.

    SILK – Stop

    Be still and give yourself a few minutes to feel.

    No worries if it’s complicated. This is time-limited, and it will pass in a few minutes.

    You need to allow yourself a couple of minutes to find what you’re working with.

    Silk -Identify

    List your feelings and consider the possibilities. Look up some of the synonyms and add them to your list.

    You may find that the dictionary definition or browse the thesaurus clarifies how you feel.

    Think of it as an exploration to understand what you are responding to. And that’s a clue to what you need for your well-being.

    SILK – Listen

    When you look at the feeling list, you know where and which feeling resonates in your heart.

    Notice what hits you with, “Yeah, that’s it.” The next step is to ask yourself, “What can I do to help me to feel taken care of?”

    What will help you to move through the tricky part and get to the other side where growth resides?

    SILK – Kindness

    Work from a growth mindset perspective.

    This is the place where the Golden Rule of Self-care applies to you.

    Treat yourself well. It may take time to figure out what you need.

    You will make mistakes along the way and that’s okay; you are learning.

    You are getting to know yourself in a different way that leads to good things.

    Getting unstuck is the best reward.

    I hope that you find that developing your emotional vocabulary leads you down the path to Conscious Eating!

    When you solve stress or emotional eating, burnout, feeling overwhelmed and feeling stressed also decrease dramatically. You can use your newly developed self-awareness to take care of your needs. You’ll have the time and energy to pursue what you need and live a fulfilling life you love. And after all – is that what it’s all about?

  • Silk: The Simple Tool to Overcome Stress Eating

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    Conscious Eating is one of the fastest ways to overcome stress eating.

    Conscious Eating gives you the skills to transform your relationship with food and eating so you’re in control.

    When you learn emotional mastery tools, they’re transferable to many challenges in life, not only to overcome stress eating.

    Conscious Eating isn’t a diet. It’s being present and intentional about what you eat, how your body feels and what your mind needs for satisfaction.

    As you make choices for long-term shifts in how you relate to yourself and your body, you’ll also learn to be more patient and compassionate.

    Remember that this is a mindset-transformational shift in your relationship with yourself.

    It’s big and we’ll take it one step at a time.

    Mindset is how you think about things, or your ‘frame of mind’ and how your thoughts shape your actions. It’s more than simply differentiating between a pessimistic (glass half empty) or optimistic (glass half full) point of view.

    Conscious Eating is a mindset change toward mindful growth in thinking, feeling, and relating to yourself.

    This isn’t a ‘think differently and your behavior will change’ approach to stress eating.

    It is working with yourself toward a goal, value, or belief—whatever word fits best for you—and knowing that you can create what you need to achieve your goal and live in harmony with your values.

    A mindset shift considers your entire experience as a person making change, mind, body and heart so you can overcome stress eating for good!

    Becoming a Conscious Eater is learning to reshape how you care for yourself.

    Conscious Eating is forward-thinking and growth-enhancing. You are learning to do things differently. Learn how to stop, listen, identify, and live with compassion and kindness!

    The most time-consuming part of change is when you’re preparing to make a change but are not quite ready yet.

    Small changes, bit by bit, adjusting to the newness, and continuing to move forward are effective. You are being mindful of what’s working and what’s not and then making adjustments. Use the experience, both good and challenging, to help you know which way to go.

    When you can use your time to learn about what you want, it is worth investing your time and energy.

    The good news is that when you stop, identify your needs, and listen to yourself with kindness and compassion, you are much further along in overcoming stress, eating for good.

    4 Conscious Eating skills to overcome stress eating.

    SILK is an easy way to remember this process: Stop, Identify, Listen, and do all this with kindness in your heart. Here’s the framework for it to happen –

    SILK – Stop

    Being consumed with food, telling yourself that you will be ‘good’ or ‘healthy’ or you’ll eat clean, only takes you further away from your goal. It puts so much responsibility into manipulating food that it’s challenging to focus on your goals and values.

    This surface-level attention keeps the focus on food rather than your relationship with it. It’s manipulating the food to have a better relationship with yourself.

    This feeds the problem.

    The way out is to risk shifting your focus to your relationship with yourself and away from the food.

    When you stop, you give yourself the space to consider other options when you overcome stress eating.

    The opportunity you open yourself to is growth. This is where a shift in mindset takes hold for your well-being – when you give yourself time and space to make conscious choices.

    Are the food rules you live with something like this; ‘I can’t eat ______, ______is bad, ______ leads to ______ health issue, etc.?

    Have you repeated some version of this statement to yourself so often that you accept it as fact? If you eat one of the forbidden foods, do you experience shame and guilt?

    Your challenge is to ask yourself if you are physically hungry and if so, what is my body asking me for right now?

    The next question to ask yourself is – what do I emotionally need right now?

    It may be that you don’t need food at all. You may need sleep, rest, friendship, love, space, quiet, movement, etc.

    And finally, ask yourself what you need for your mind, body, and heart to feel content.

    You might not be very confident in your answers at the beginning. That’s OK!

    Remember, this is moving away from someone else’s ideals and toward your self-knowledge for your unique relationship with yourself.

    SILK – Identify

    One of the first questions I ask the people I work with is your needs. I would guess that 99 percent of the time, they know that I’m not asking about food and shelter or even to change their body or behaviors in some way.

    I know this because, more often than not, they will look me in the eye and tears will well up with the knowledge that something is missing.

    A deep longing for growth has stalled in the quest for a different body as if that’s a guarantee of happiness.

    When you stop, take a breath, and allow yourself to look at your life and know that it’s not totally about your body, you have a realistic opportunity to overcome stress eating.

    One of the most convenient times to do this is while eating.

    Do only one thing while eating.

    It is tough to stress eating if eating is your only mindless activity.

    Practice being in the present moment and notice where your mind leads you.

    Sitting with yourself while eating takes practice, especially when Eating is your way of escaping discomfort.

    If you’re reading a book, watching TV, or working, it is nearly impossible to feel your emotions, hunger or fullness cues, or identify what you truly need.

    Your attention is soaked up by the action in the story or the problem being solved.

    You’re not in the present; you’re on autopilot.

    As you become more comfortable identifying what you need, you will also get clear on which foods you enjoy, how your body responds and what works best for you.

    SILK – Listen

    Growth requires intentional change and the way to get there is to increase your awareness of your negative self-talk and the thoughts and feelings you experience; outwardly silent, yet inwardly booming, crashing like a giant wave on your hope, motivation, and faith in yourself.

    This means leaving negative self-talk, criticism and blame out of the equation.

    The fight is over, a truce is called and the peace talks are happening.

    The peace process is a little more complicated and takes more patience and you can do it.

    Little by little, with consistent intention toward growth, negative thinking eases up, allowing room for growth.

    Remember, this is a shift in the way you live your life. It is worth the effort to overcome stress eating.

    We live in a time where our bodies are fair game for judgment, objectification, shaming and attempts to live up to someone else’s expectations.

    You may be waiting for whatever obstacle—real or imagined—to disappear. Removing the obstacle means acknowledging it and building a strategy that works for your life.

    Ask yourself –

    • do I want to participate in this type of conversation with myself?
    • What might I hear instead of all the negativity if I’m listening with my core values?

    A growth mindset is assessing what needs to change, working toward the goal and making prudent adjustments.

    Listening means moving away from controlling and toward acceptance.

    Sometimes acceptance is confused with: ‘This is who you are; it’s not going to change, so just get over it.’ I’m glad that this is wrong in this context!

    Acceptance is looking and listening so that your relationship with yourself can grow – mind, body and heart!

    If you desire change, it is possible through healing, respect and kindness.

    Accepting who you are today frees you to use the energy spent criticizing yourself more flexibly.

    Listen for all the good you can do and all the happiness you can experience.

    SILK – Kindness

    Looking clearly, listening honestly, and stopping to pay attention all give perspective and motivation so that you can make adjustments and keep growing.

    Conscious Eating is about curiosity, flexibility, and a willingness to make mistakes so you can grow from them.

    Popular diet and eating plans are overwhelmingly all about the quick fix and won’t help you overcome stress eating.

    They require you to abandon values and good judgment about your nutrition and focus exclusively on changing your body.

    The assumption is that a different body is the key to happiness in your life.

    This devalues your humanity.

    Dieting is not about health; it is about an illusion of control. An illusion that you’ll have the life you want if you follow the diet. If it worked, it would work!

    You can shut off your feelings and ignore them for only so long. They’ll overflow and come rushing back with the onslaught of stress eating and feeling poorly about yourself.

    The truth is that Conscious Eating is about learning life-long skills for your health.

    Many of the skills will help in other areas as well. SILK enables you to use your self-knowledge to live a happy and fulfilling life.

    The big picture view of your life.

    Kindness and compassion provide an excellent foundation for living your life in harmony.

    Mistakes allow you to make more informed choices the next time, so you can overcome stress eating.

    When you become a Conscious Eater, you can trust your decisions because they are grounded in your self-knowledge and values.

    The choice is freely made.

    Remember, SILK: Stop, Identify, Listen, and Kindness. The path will always lead you back to you!

  • How to Transform Your Relationship with Food for Good

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    Your relationship with food…

    Being present and increasing awareness of your emotional life is essential for personal fulfillment. Without it, experiencing a lasting change in your relationship with food, stress eating and your body isn’t likely.

    Nutrition and exercise are essential, but without a shift in your emotional awareness, you’ll be right back at the start sooner than the current diet fad ends.

    Be present.

    Tomorrow is tomorrow. Future cares have future cures. And we must mind today.

    Sophocles

    Being present is assessing where you are now and includes both the positive, fulfilling parts of yourself that you like and the draining aspects of your life that you need to either limit or use as an opportunity for growth or both.

    The only thing you need to do is be here today. When you’re present, you make moment-to-moment choices that significantly change your relationship with food.

    Think about today and what you need right now. Shift your focus away from immediate gratification and get closer to the core of what your heart desires most. Sometimes, asking yourself a question helps – do I want to eat the chocolate bar, or am I looking for a break from stress? It’s easy to grab the chocolate bar that tastes delicious and results in your brain being flooded with feel-good brain chemicals. The challenge is focusing on what you need for your well-being and your relationship with food.

    Most people who struggle with emotional or stress eating, body image, and chronic dieting develop an automatic reaction to food. What’s important to remember is that this is a brain-based behavior that can change. What it is not is a lack of willpower or mental toughness. It’s a learned behavior and you can learn different behaviors that align with what you want in your life.

    If you want to get off the diet merry-go-round of chronic stress eating, an effective strategy is allowing yourself to accept the challenge of being present right now. You can learn to become a mindful and conscious eater and change your relationship with food.

    Follow your guidelines.

    He who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command.

    Niccolo Machiavelli

    When thinking about your future self, are you in command of your present self?

    The only way to ‘obey’ yourself is to listen to your wisdom and ‘command’ your body with the clarity, kindness, and compassion you need to move forward. Listen to your good advice; it’s how to change your relationship with food.

    A plan based on your unique needs and clarity about what needs to change is a good starting point for lasting change.

    You can make clear choices when you’re present and have guidelines that work best for you. You can identify what you need and incorporate it into your everyday life. What you’ll build is confidence that you’re on the path of greater self-awareness and fulfillment. Stress eating doesn’t have a chance!

    You will get to where things make sense and the difficulties you experience from living with another person’s guidelines, for their food relationship is impossible. You must listen to your mind, body and heart and do what’s right for you.

    It’s easier to notice opportunities when focused on what’s working rather than struggling with what doesn’t.

    You can see things clearly, and your path forward is less complicated than your relationship with food.

    Even when the path is unpredictable, when clarity is your guide, you can adjust and stay on course.

    Practice more of what works and stop doing what holds you back.

    Don’t skip the messy middle.

    Welcome the present moment as if you had invited it. It is all we ever have so we might as well work with it rather than struggling against it. We might as well make it our friend and teacher rather than our enemy.

    Pema Chödrön

    When thinking about your relationship with food, it’s easy to get lured into focusing on the result, like you need to –

    • stop stress eating
    • stop criticizing your body
    • feel more comfortable

    Looking at someone else’s plan is natural when stressed out and desperate for change. A lot of the time, it’s excellent not to reinvent the wheel. But when new clients start coaching with me and follow someone else’s plan, they usually get stuck and overfocus on the result rather than on one choice at a time.

    When you skip over the middle part of the change, you lose all the needed learning. The middle part of the process is where your hard work creates the change.

    Step-by-step small changes are what create transformation. The middle part isn’t something that can be skipped over – it’s essential.

    This phase is rich with opportunities for self-knowledge to achieve fulfillment in your life. The middle is the ‘how to change’ part of changing your relationship with food. The best part is that you can use the process as a guide whenever needed.

    Acceptance.

    Even as we live with the knowledge that each day might be our last, we don’t want to believe it.

    Sharon Salzberg

    Acceptance lays the foundation for everything you want to achieve.

    Look at yourself clearly as you are.

    It’s difficult your experience of living in the body you have isn’t pleasant, yet it’s essential. As you grow in acceptance, sprinkle in many positive thoughts and feelings. Positive thoughts tend to multiply and nourish your desire for change.

    When you build your future by accepting where you are right now while focusing on gaining more self-knowledge, you’re well on your way to getting your needs met and changing your relationship with food.

    Transformation cannot be built on someone else’s truths for their life.

    Transformation can only occur as you know who you are and where you’re going.

    Clarity.

    Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.

    John Keats

    Getting where you’re going is faster with clarity.

    Clarity helps you identify what you need to do right now that aligns with your goals.

    With clarity, wishing and hoping for change melts into doing only what you need to do to get to where you want to be.

    Clarity allows you to take a deep breath. When you exhale, the weight of expectations and the pressure to conform to other’s expectations lift.

    You can finally say, “Ahhhhhh,” and feel at peace that your relationship with yourself, while not perfect, is progressing.

    The way to make your plan work is to work on the fundamentals. Be present, follow guidelines that work for you, start from where you are today and accept yourself with clarity. This is a foundation for building a new relationship with food and your body.

    Enjoy food and feel good about it.

  • The Truth About Stress Eating: Imperfection is Part of the Journey

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    There are only five things you need to do to stop stress eating.

    It might sound too easy, but the five steps take time and patience – there are no shortcuts and perfectionism only slows your progress. If you can commit to the belief that life can be less stressful and even harmonious, you can learn the five steps and stop stress eating.

    The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

    Mother Teresa

    When you get so tired of doing the same thing repeatedly that you can’t do it one more time, you’re in the perfect place to change the situation.

    You know stress eating is more than calming anxiety. There’s something more – you need to live your life with peace, fulfillment and health.

    If you take the steps below, you’ll be on your way to becoming a conscious eater. The time and energy you spend planning, eating, worrying about what you ate and regretting you gave into the habit again doesn’t happen, and that’s one of the best freedoms of all.

    Paying attention to your body’s needs becomes a pathway for a better relationship with yourself. You learn more about your real needs and experiment with how best to meet them.

    You get to know your limitations and the possibilities for caring for yourself in a way you feel good about. Most of all, you learn what you need to take better care of yourself.

    When you take the steps below, you’ll be on your way to stop eating stress. 

    1. Eat when you’re hungry

    Courage is a kind of salvation. 

    Plato

    This sounds like an oversimplification, but how often do you deny yourself food?

    It could be that you ignore your hunger, don’t allow yourself to eat certain foods, or both.

    If your body needs energy, there is just no replacing food. You can distract yourself and delay eating for so long before hangry sets in.

    Your hunger signals may go quiet for a while, but you can be sure they will return, and you won’t be able to ignore them!

    Eat a balanced meal. It’s great if you’re craving a balanced meal or snack since you’re simultaneously taking care of both needs!

    Which leads to…

    Enjoy your food.

    Choose what you eat wisely to get the physical nourishment your body needs and the satisfaction your mind and heart need. Take care of your whole person. Without enjoyment, there won’t be satisfaction, leading to stress eating later.

    Sometimes, you will eat purely for fuel. We all lead busy lives and sometimes food is merely a means to an end — putting more fuel in the engine so you can keep going.
    Food is also an essential way people experience pleasure. If what you eat isn’t pleasurable on some level, most of the time, you will be left wanting unsatisfied.

    At least once a day, eat for fuel as well as for the experience of pleasure.

    2. Be present

    The point of power is always in the present moment.

    Louise L. Hay

    Do just one thing while eating.

    When you’re driving, watching a show, working on the computer, playing a game on your phone, reading, etc., you’re unable to be aware of what you’re eating, if you enjoy it, if you’re hungry for food when you’ve had enough – there are a lot of decisions!

    Distraction is one way of disconnecting from stress eating and the feelings of guilt or shame about what you’re eating, how you’re eating it and how you feel about your body and yourself.

    Distracted eating is a statement about your relationship with yourself. You can fully commit to self-compassion, honoring your needs and desire for nourishment – this is when you stop eating stress.

    Mindful eating is one tool you can use to pay attention to the taste, texture, aroma, colors, etc., of the food you’re currently eating.

    When you eat mindfully, you can assess your relationship with food and how you respect your body.

    3. Identify your feelings

    The best way out is always through.

    Robert Frost

    Calm anxiety before eating, rather than eating to calm anxiety. Easier said than done, right?

    This can be tricky since hunger makes anxiety worse. Anxiety can also be one of the early signs of hunger. It gets complicated very quickly!

    Our ancestors needed to be on the lookout for food; they might have been a little edgy about it, so when it was available, they would find it and eat it. Although food is abundant, this early survival mechanism kicks in when hunger is ignored, and you may become a little edgy, too.

    Help yourself to slow down. Do your best anxiety-reducing techniques, a few deep breaths, a little calming yoga, a short mindfulness meditation for 2–5 minutes, and then eat a balanced meal or snack. The food will wait.

    Anxiety or worry is one of the most frequent feelings that leads to stress eating. Eating is something to do; it takes your mind off of the issue and depending on the food, your brain will be stimulated to release calming brain chemicals.

    The way through this is to identify the feeling, pinpoint its cause as best you can and take one simple step toward your future free from stress eating.

    Sometimes this means making an action plan and other times it means reassuring yourself and creating a peaceful environment when you’ve done all you can.

    Increase your awareness of the feelings you experience most often. Emotional awareness is your guide to stopping eating stress and preventing it from happening.

    Knowing what’s going on inside gives you options for better self-care.

    Stress eating is no longer a distraction from what’s bothering you, you know and you have a choice in managing yourself.

    4. Leave morality out of your food choices

    Having a healthy relationship with food means you are not morally superior or inferior based on your eating choices.

    Evelyn Tribole

    Food is not sinful! How many foods are described as sinfully delicious?

    How often have you heard, usually at dessert time, “We’re being so bad tonight?”

    What if we accepted that our bodies enjoy pleasurable experiences like eating good food?

    Acceptance in the total sense means honoring your desire for pleasurable experiences with food, non-judgmentally.

    When you accept that you’re an eater who enjoys eating, you’ll also accept that you sometimes need fuel. You can accept when fuel is primary and enjoyment second since you can trust that there are times when you’ll eat purely for pleasure, too.

    Eating for fuel only.

    You have a big meeting at two o’clock and it’s essential to have a balanced lunch at noon, so you’re fueled, thinking clearly and on your game. Your priority is reviewing your notes and getting fuel. That’s okay some of the time.

    I was eating just for pleasure.

    Think about birthday cake or special foods you only have at holiday celebrations. These foods and the ritual of eating them symbolize the importance of the moment, your family traditions and culture.

    Foods have different nutritional values, not different moral values. Eat well and enjoy.

    5. Seek connection instead of stress eating

    Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow. It’s a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them — we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

    Brene Brown

    Stress eating can motivate reconnecting with someone, a memory, thought, or feeling.

    If you’re craving a specific food, ask yourself, is it the memory or person you want to connect with? 

    Is the food a way to make it happen, or would you get your needs met by a conversation, planning a visit, or making dinner plans with a friend or family member?

    Stress eating is the pathway to the relationship you want to experience. The problem is that stress eating can’t help you connect how you want or need to communicate with others or yourself.

    Increasing your awareness of stress eating and the feelings that led you there is the way to move toward what you need. Awareness can help you refocus from the food obsession to the relationship and you can get your needs met.

    These five actions will move you further down the road to what you want so you can stop stress eating more than any diet ever could. You have the answers you need right inside you. I hope that the tools above will help you discover them!

  • How to Stop Weighing Yourself and Feel Good Anyway

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    Weighing yourself is one of the worst ways to feel good about yourself or get a handle on stress eating.

    If you ever stress eating, weighing yourself usually leads to negative thoughts or opinions that prevent you from feeling good about your body, boundaries, and confidence.

    This is your body, your greatest gift, pregnant with wisdom you do not hear, grief you thought was forgotten, and joy you have never known.

    Marion Woodman

    The facts about daily weighing yourself and stress eating.

    A study in 2015 tracked participants over ten years and showed that self-weighing is associated with increased weight concerns and depression. The study also showed decreased body satisfaction and self-esteem over those ten years, especially for the women in the study.

    If you stress eat, weighing yourself can be one of the most effective ways to feel bad about yourself.

    Daily weighing can lead to increased stress eating rather than decreasing it.

    Ironically a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ scale number can both trigger overeating—whether it’s a congratulatory eating party or a consolation party.

    Evelyn Tribole

    Many people find the external verification of daily weight helpful in some respects. Some research has shown that it can be beneficial. Daily weighing with email support was helpful in weight loss in this study. Another study by the same group in 2014 showed no ill psychological effects of daily weighing.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I love data. I like to see the data for many things, especially when making decisions. It helps me to understand if the assumptions about a particular thing are accurate.

    Regarding health behaviors, it helps to determine if what people say they do matches what they do. This gives me a better idea of how to be helpful to my clients.

    But, when the data is “bad” – it’s not accurate or misleading, it doesn’t help with anything. This type of information can have dire consequences. One piece of “bad” data is the importance we give to the number on the scale. It only gives you information about mass. It can’t provide information on the health of your body systems like heart rate, blood pressure, blood sugar, bone density, etc.

    And yet, so many thoughts and feelings are assumed, usually negatively, from this one piece of data you have in your control – weighing yourself.

    If you stress eat, the scale is not your friend!

    There’s no real reason to weigh yourself at home. It can’t tell you anything about the nutrient density of the food you eat and the effects of what you eat on your body. And it certainly doesn’t tell you anything positive about your relationship with your body, especially – instead, it usually creates more stress!

    Yet, these are all things that you might unconsciously hope that it would do.

    If the scale is down, you feel great about yourself. But when it’s up, especially if it’s a significant number, your mood plummets, your motivation for self-care fades, and self-compassion is nowhere in sight.

    If you break the habit of weighing yourself, you can become more engaged in a relationship with your body where you work together rather than rule over your body.

    You will have the opportunity to get to know yourself in different ways, like…

    • What kind of movement energizes you?
    • What kind of movement do you enjoy?
    • What type of food gives you the energy you need?
    • What type of food feels good in your body?
    • What type of attitude or thought process moves you toward your goals?
    • What type of conversations do you find fulfilling?

    The list goes on and on. Mainly, when you are aware of your internal needs, hopes and desires, you can actually get what you want in life. And this has nothing to do with weighing yourself!

    People always ask me, ‘You have so much confidence. Where did that come from?’ It came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl … It doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it’s your home, and you must decorate it.

    Gabourey Sidibe

    Move away from external validation and toward internal validation.

    If you want a better relationship with yourself, you must shift from external validation – waiting for other’s approval to feel good. Instead, internal validation is trusting yourself to do what you need for your well-being and acknowledging the benefits you receive. This is the way out of stress eating, negative body image and low self-esteem.

    How is feedback different from external validation?

    External information is helpful in some situations. Say, when your boss gives you feedback on a presentation. You need to know what worked and what didn’t, if you said too many “um’s,” if you covered all the required material, etc.

    Getting feedback from a loved one or good friend about the outfit you plan to wear for the presentation is also helpful. Does it fit the tone of the presentation, the audience, the lighting/stage, etc? It’s beneficial to double-check when you value the perspective of the other about a specific situation.

    The stereotypical question, “Do I look fat in this?” is usually about more than appearance. Do you accept me regardless of any judgments I might have about my size, or are you judging me, too?

    Since the question usually isn’t about appearance, if talked about how you feel, would it be more helpful to you?

    • I’m nervous about meeting new people at the party.
    • I’m not comfortable in this outfit.
    • I don’t want to give this presentation.
    • I need reassurance/encouragement that it will be okay.

    Becoming more connected with what you’re feeling and experiencing helps you live more authentically and guides you in the direction you want your life to go.

    3 Questions to ask yourself before getting on the scale.

    What do you want to receive from the scale?

    If you need the data from the scale for medication or some other medical reason, then can you let go of weighing yourself at home and only at your doctor’s office?

    Can you relieve yourself from this stress?

    What do you think the scale will tell you if there isn’t a medical reason to weigh yourself outside the doctor’s office?

    That you’re:

    • healthy
    • a good person
    • attractive
    • in control
    • out of control

    Maybe you have other ways to assess how you’re doing. One of them is to pay closer attention to how you feel in your body. If you start or regularly engage in physical activity, can you use increased skill level, speed, distance/duration and feeling more fit/comfortable for feedback instead of weighing yourself?

    Maybe this shift in mindset allows you to have a positive conversation with yourself. Part of getting out of stress eating is bringing your emotions more fully into your awareness so you can use them to support yourself. This is something that you can’t get from weighing yourself.

    When you have a clear picture of your life, feeling bad about yourself is challenging. There’s a point where it takes more effort to feel destructive than good. When many of my clients try it, the effort becomes so ludicrous that they realize what’s happening, smile, and remind themselves that they don’t need that anymore! They’re further down the road of growth than they knew.

    Why do you own a scale?

    Most people say they need it “to check my weight.” But, if you gained or lost weight, would you know by the way your clothes fit? Remember, the scale can only measure mass and nothing else.

    Is there something more meaningful to you? Could you receive validation from work – a job well done, volunteering – giving back to the community, faith – connection with your values, friendship – being present, etc? Do these areas give you a better sense of who you are as a human being?

    Are there other ways to “measure” or assess if you’re getting what you need?

    Data and weighing yourself cannot quantify your needs – that’s all it is!

    It’s pretty impossible to say, “I only need 20 percent of love today” or “Right now, I need 100 percent compassion.” By living an intentional life and developing your well-being skills, you’ll find that, after a difficult day, self-compassion gives you so much more comfort than getting on the scale or stress eating does.

    Self-compassion helps you to understand where you are, what you need and the confidence to move forward.

    My second to the last question – how much does the scale pull you out of living an intentional life and drop you back into a disconnected relationship with yourself where stress eating is the norm? It’s a big question.

    What I know is that a healthy relationship with yourself and those in your life can be a nest of love, and in the end, isn’t that one of the things you truly want?

  • How to Have a Better Relationship with Food

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    A better relationship with food comes from setting kind food limits.

    So, what is a kind food limit? It is a limit that supports you, opens up growth opportunities you want, and ultimately leads to greater well-being.

    A kind food limit considers what you desire for taste and pleasure and what your body needs to work well and feel good.

    It also accounts for how you feel when you eat a particular food (physically, mentally, and emotionally). It also helps you check your energy needs now and soon so you have the fuel you need.

    The big picture of kind food limits is that they help you make food choices that you feel good about, so you can stop eating for good.

    That’s to say, you feel good in a well-rounded sense. You feel satisfied, so you can focus on what’s happening in your life rather than thinking about food. Satisfaction is essential because if you don’t enjoy what you’re eating, you’ll feel like something is missing. And that’s the perfect setup for mindless stress eating that leaves you unsatisfied and disappointed.

    Kind food limits are primarily positive, moving you toward something you need or desire.

    Some examples are:

    • Planning a meal at a favorite restaurant
    • Enjoying a meal with a friend
    • Looking forward to your favorite comfort meal or dessert

    It could also be a little less glamorous and commit to a meal simply because you know your body needs it to feel better.

    You also need the nutrition to fuel your body, considering what you’ve got going on for the rest of the day. You might drink a glass of milk with lunch rather than soda because that’s what you need today. Tomorrow, you may have different needs.

    When you come home from vacation or after the holidays, you might need to eat more of the food you missed in the previous days or weeks. Or you might need to reset food limits, especially after enjoying traditional feasting foods around holidays. Eating isn’t perfect and there isn’t a need for judgement either. Life happens in cycles and kind food limits support you regardless of the cycle you’re in at the moment.

    Eating more traditional desserts around holidays is part of how I connect with my culture. I eat those conventional foods in a concentrated way because they are time-consuming to make, are part of meals with family and friends, and are a connection with my ancestors.

    If I lived in Italy, I would have a different experience. I know I would enjoy those foods more frequently, but less of them, with a great cup of coffee and engaging conversation sitting outside in the sunshine. But right now, I’m in the States and it’s a very different vibe!

    If you’re like most of us and busy during work hours, it’s often a grab-what-is-available situation – it’s easy to quiet your hunger, but ultimately, most of the time, it’s not what you want to eat. Sometimes, this is just how it goes, but when every day is a grab-and-go type, it can become nearly impossible to set kind food limits.

    Well-balanced meals – most of the time – support you in a variety of different ways.

    After eating a well-balanced meal, you’ll probably feel:

    • emotionally more aware
    • focused on your task
    • thinking more clearly
    • resting more deeply
    • managing feelings more accurately and peacefully

    Kind food limits also help you stop mindless eating and stress eating sooner than expected.

    Reaching for the candy bowl on your coworker’s desk, just because it’s there, can become a habit. You might even find that you walk by the coworker’s desk when you want a piece of candy!

    The feel-good part of your brain excitedly lights up at the thought of candy, and then the sight of it can start the cascade of relief before you’ve even taken a bite.

    But eating candy right before you have a big chunk of work to get done and a deadline to meet isn’t always a good idea.

    Give yourself a moment to consider the desired outcome and decide based on what you want.

    Making a choice now means saying, “Not right now.” It doesn’t mean banishing candy; candy is made for pure enjoyment. Eating for enjoyment is part of normal eating. Kind food limits are about kindness and care – of yourself and your long-term well-being.

    Setting kind food limits is a very achievable goal! A kind food limit helps you be more aware of your needs. What your brain needs for fulfillment, your mind needs for satisfaction and your body needs for energy.

    Here are three practical steps you can take to set kind food limits:

    1. Identify what you’re hungry for and if you’re even hungry.

    Slow down rather than reaching for what’s immediately available. Getting what you want and need may take some planning and time. You’re worth the wait!

    2. Notice food rules like, “If I have this pie, I’ll need to work out x number of hours!”

    Listening to yourself requires that you become quiet and still for a moment as you learn about your needs and make decisions based on kind food limits.

    3. Eat until you’re satisfied.

    Eating to satisfaction usually happens when you eat a well-balanced meal with protein, carbs and fat. Use your body as your guide and trust the feedback you receive for what works for you. When you thrive, it’s easier on your system, and your body feels better.

    Being quiet so you can hear your body’s feedback is the pathway to developing kind food limits.

    Get to know what supports your well-being and what you like – it’s a winning combination that benefits you for years to come!

  • 5 Reasons Why Eating in Moderation is So Complicated

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    You’ve probably heard that eating in moderation is easy, and if you do, you can eat anything you want!

    For someone who doesn’t stress or emotionally eat, it’s an easy thing to say. But, if you’re trapped in the cycle of stress eating or emotional eating, dieting and back to emotional eating again, eating in moderation requires a few new skills.

    Eating in moderation is an excellent foundation for getting various foods.

    Feeling good about what you eat, getting enough energy and just plain freedom from the dieting too.

    To get to the place where you can listen and get what you need, clear your path of distractions is essential.

    Here are five things that hold you back from eating in moderation and what you can do about it.

    1. Focusing too much on the details.

    When you spend time focusing on the nutrition facts, the healthiest way to eat, the best plan for you, or any other details, you can lose sight of the big picture. I’m not saying the details aren’t important or that gaining knowledge isn’t helpful, it’s when it takes up more time than is needs to take up. You’ll know it’s too much when it seems to take on more importance than your experience of nurturing yourself.

    Focusing on the details too much also silences your ability to listen to the feedback your mind and body give you about what you need. When you aren’t listening to your body, it can lead to overeating. When disconnected from yourself, it’s tough to hear the subtle cues about what you need.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    Focus on covering the basics nutritionally while you loosen up the food rules. Slowly changing over time is usually more sustainable than one big overhaul.

    If you have health issues that require you to pay attention to carbs, fat, or sodium in your meals, take good care of your health and pay attention. You can identify where and when you shift from awareness and self-care to worry and obsession.

    The change might be about how you think, like shifting from food rules to long-term health and well-being guidelines.

    Shift your mindset to think about rules as guidelines for nurturing your body. As you shift into this way of thinking, you will naturally have less stress about food. In the beginning, like any new habit, it might feel strange.

    Sometimes, people feel like they will be out of control and overeat, not knowing when to stop. Eating in moderation is next to impossible if you experience this fear. But taking it step by step will help you transition out of worry and into the driver’s seat.

    The guidelines for good nutrition are there to support your decision-making from the inside out. Take in the info thoughtfully and consider how to apply it to your lifestyle and nutritional needs while considering any medical requirements.

    If you can relieve yourself of the stress about the food rules, you may be able to eat more moderately and consciously.

    2. You’re stuck in the diet mentality.

    The diet mentality is when you follow a diet plan that promises to solve your weight, body image, or food problems in a distinct, often quick and nearly painless way. Eating in moderation isn’t on the menu. The underlying premise is that you’ll be happy if you only follow a particular set of food rules.

    What lures most people in is the certainty and simplicity:

    • There are foods on the “Okay to eat list” and others on the “don’t touch” list.
    • Restrict yourself to a certain number of calories daily, which will be your result.
    • Strict boundaries – eat at this time, this amount of this food.

    These plans are so popular because it’s enticing to get directions that direct you to take specific action – no thinking required.

    The common belief is that your body will not cooperate with you. So, you find yourself trying to manipulate the food in some way. This type of relationship is usually based on the belief that you cannot trust your body to give you good information on what you need.

    But you can develop a trusting relationship with yourself and make food decisions that meet your nutritional needs. You can also meet your needs for enjoyment and pleasure so you feel satisfied with a meal.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    This situation calls for a mindset shift from viewing your body as separate from yourself as if it’s a thing that you can easily shape and form at your will.

    The mindset that gets you out of the diet mentality is to develop a relationship with your body, treating it with kindness, compassion and respect.

    It isn’t easy to overeat when you are kind and respectful to yourself. As you leave the diet mentality and eat in a way that respects your hunger and fullness, your awareness increases and your body naturally communicates with you. Moderate eating is possible because you listen when your body tells you it’s had enough. Kindness and respect give you the ability to stop eating peacefully.

    3. Doing more than one thing while eating.

    If you’re like most people, you probably eat while multitasking at least a few times a week.

    You have a big deadline and need to grab lunch quickly while sitting in front of the computer.

    It’s easy to get to the bottom of the bag before you realize you’ve eaten all the chips while watching your favorite show.

    When you’re distracted, paying attention to what you’re eating takes second place.

    It’s hard to know when you’ve had enough food to satisfy your physical hunger and the need for satisfaction when you’re distracted. The feeling that the meal is complete and you’ve had enough isn’t vital when doing something else. The warning to stop only comes when you can’t ignore the uncomfortable fullness.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    Doing one thing at a time can save you time. If you turn on the TV or switch to your favorite app or email while eating, it’s easy to get drawn into whatever you’re watching. The minutes pass by, just a bit more and before you know it, an extra 15, 30, 45, or 60 minutes have passed, and you’re still unconsciously eating.

    Doing one thing can also help you to eat more slowly, identify fullness and satiety sooner and possibly eat less.

    Doing one thing helps you perceive the cue that you’re full sooner than feeling uncomfortably full because you’re paying attention to yourself.

    4. Viewing what you eat as a moral issue.

    You will get stuck when you put food in the category of good vs. evil and assign a moral value to it.

    Foods have different nutritional values, of course.

    I like to use the analogy of a serving of broccoli vs. a candy bar. Yes, they are very different from a nutritional perspective, but morally? You’re not a “bad” person if you eat candy, nor are you a good person if you eat broccoli.

    Your body will have different responses and you may feel differently eating one vs. the other, but you have not gained or lost your “I’m a good person” status.

    It’s just food and both have a legitimate role in nurturing yourself.

    Eating in Moderation Solution:

    Think about food from this perspective:

    • What do I want to eat (taste perspective)?
    • What type of nutrition do I need given my activities in the next 4 hours (fuel perspective)?
    • Which foods will meet my need to feel good (satiety)?

    When you ask yourself these questions, you are helping your body, mind, and self-esteem. You can make decisions based on the fullness of what’s important to you.

    5. Not permitting yourself to enjoy the food you eat.

    Follows from #4 above. Food is fuel and it’s a lot more, too.

    Food is one of the great pleasures in life. When you acknowledge that it’s okay to enjoy eating, you are closer to freedom from overeating and diet mentality-related guilt about eating what you like.

    When you do this, you honor your need for fuel and pleasure and are no longer left wanting more.

    You can eat what you need, feel satisfied and eat in moderation.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    Normal eating is many things.

    • Eating when you’re hungry.
    • Eating what you love.
    • Eating for energy.
    • Eating when you can because you know what the next few hours will bring and must prepare.

    Eating is also for pure pleasure.

    The only way to eat the foods you love without guilt and the risk of chronic overeating is to make them part of your life.

    • Here are some questions to help you decide if this is for you:
    • What would happen if you allowed yourself to experience food with pleasure?
    • Would you eat less?
    • Would you feel less guilt and thereby less need to compensate for them?
    • Would your daily nutrition meet all of your needs?

    In sum, my challenge to you is this – allowing yourself to practice eating in moderation. Changing your relationship with food isn’t as easy as the ease a new diet plan promises. I hope the eating in moderation solutions give you some ideas about how to do things differently. Changing any habit that no longer serves you leads to more health and well-being.