Emotional Mastery

  • 10 Simple Mantras That Stop Negative Thinking And Stress Eating

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    You know that nagging voice in your head that whispers you need to calm down and stop negative thinking, and before you know it, stress eating hits? 

    It’s the voice that…

    • Doubts that it’s all too much and you won’t ever feel calm.
    • Questions your relationship with yourself and your self-knowledge.
    • Criticizes you and can be downright mean under the veil of being “honest.”

    When you’re struggling with stress eating or emotional eating, the voice of doubt focuses on what’s not going well and dismisses or ignores what is.

    What if you had a way to calm self-doubt and highlight your successes, no matter how small?

    Developing this skill can change the conversation and transform doubt into power. 

    How to Stop Stress Eating Right Now

    When you have an answer ready that you can rely on to shift your focus, calm stress and anxiety and change negative thoughts – you have a skill that will serve you well.

    A simple mantra is a shortcut way to connect with yourself. It calms negative thoughts so you can be mindful and make choices that matter to you.

    A mantra is a coping skill that’s been around so long because it works!

    It’s nearly impossible to separate thoughts, feelings, perceptions, potential future scenarios, etc. When stress eating enters the picture, the feelings are often mixed emotions. Those emotions lead to an essential need for you to stop negative thinking!

    Getting out of confusing, conflicting, or uncomfortable feelings is easier when you have a tool to focus your thoughts compassionately. The other benefit is that intentionally focusing your thoughts increases motivation to stay on your path.

    Using a mantra to help you shift your thoughts is one of the easiest ways to stop stress eating. Stopping negative thinking is one of the most essential strategies to calm, soothe and refocus your brain to prevent stress eating. 

    The best mantra is meaningful to you and easy to remember, so when you need it, you have it ready.

    When a mantra is precise and concise, it just “fits.” And it’s easy to use over and over to bring your stress level back down.

    Mindful living is being aware of what you think and feel and you intend to live the life you want. Stress eating or emotional eating distracts you from it. You can get back in alignment with your needs with this question:

    Are you eating because you’re hungry, enjoying the taste, or distracting yourself from emotional stress?

    Stress eating or emotional eating will never satisfy an unmet need.

    Mindful living is a dynamic, active process. When you slow down and stress lifts, you return to actively choosing your daily eating habits. You’ll grow in your flexibility to change as your needs change.

    You’ll naturally be mindful of eating what you need. 

    What you like might change when you get a chance to slow down and listen to yourself more closely. An effective mantra calms reliably calms and comes back to you naturally, so it’s always there for you.

    Why a mantra to stop negative thinking?

    A mantra becomes a tool that supports you in building a kind and compassionate relationship with yourself. You can take a stand for nurturing yourself with good food and compassion and live mindfully with fulfillment.

    Here are ten mantras you can use or as a starting point to create one of your own!

    > I am living in the moment, one meal at a time.

    > Peace and kindness support my relationship with my body.

    > I feel balanced as I make choices that nourish me.

    > I listen to my mind, body and heart for what I need.

    > Change requires my time and attention; my reward is contentment.

    > I move toward my goals with compassion.

    > I am mindful and compassionate as I develop the tools I need.

    > I’m cultivating a peaceful relationship with my body.

    > When I move my body, I experience life.

    > I nourish my mind, body, and heart with a loving, loving heart.

    Conclusion

    Sometimes, we get caught up in complicated tools or strategies and think they are naturally more compelling. But most of the time, they’re confusing and don’t stop negative thinking or stress eating. Simple, straightforward, and easily used strategies and tools you use daily to live mindfully and fulfill your intentions.

  • How To Be Peaceful With Food In 3 Easy Steps

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    Food peace through self-compassion gives you what you desire – freedom and accountability to be peaceful with food.

    Committing to changing your relationship with food takes a different focus. It’s more connected to what you want while at the same time giving you both grace and limits that are in alignment with your needs.

    Self-compassion is holding yourself accountable without judgment. When you take stock of your relationship with food with neutrality, push yourself when you need to do more and acknowledge your accomplishments when they happen, you’re on the path of food peace.

    To be at peace with food, you need self-compassion most when you…

    • are tired of solutions that have you running in circles.
    • know what you want, to stop emotional eating, but it happened again.
    • question if you even know what you want.
    • adjust your goals to fit what you want - not what “they” want.
    • doubt leads you to question your choices.

    While you adjust to this new form of accountability, you’ll have many opportunities to slip back into self-criticism, skepticism and negative thinking about your state.

    You’ll probably have a chance to practice self-compassion many times a day!

    The good news is that these opportunities push you to become even more transparent and assertive in your resolve to change your relationship with food and your body.

    And, as you practice, you’ll develop habits that support your changes and self-compassion makes it all easier.

    Self-compassion helps you keep your focus on moving forward.

    Being at peace with food through self-compassion reshapes how you work with yourself so you know when to push and ease up.

    You don’t need to look for balance when you have your internal barometer to guide you. You adjust as you develop a refined internal awareness of your emotional states.

    Here are three steps to be at peace with food through self-compassion:

    1. Assess what is enough for you.

    When I ask people this question, what is enough? They usually think in terms of minimums. “Don’t take too much” vs. “Take what you think you need, and you can always have more.”

    Are you in a place with enough love, money, friendship, work challenges and fulfillment, food you enjoy, and movement that feels good?

    If you know there’s more you need in life; the first step is to get specific and identify what it is so you can develop a plan.

    2. Utilize self-compassion and strive for satisfaction.

    Satisfaction isn’t an endpoint. It’s a way of being that is your baseline of contentment.

    Life satisfaction can only come when how you live your life matches up with your values. Satisfaction is part of feeling like you’re doing what you must do. You feel good about your life and yourself.

    If you feel incomplete, like there’s something that you want or need in your life, use self-compassion to encourage you to ask the hard questions of yourself so you get out of the endless cycle of stress eating to fill a void it can’t possibly fill.

    3. Question what you’re moving toward and ensure you want it.

    Is it what you convinced yourself of to meet others’ expectations, or is it what you know in your heart you want?

    Many well-meaning people make suggestions, assuming you’re on the same page. But are you? Just because your friend is on a diet, she might assume that everyone is on the hunt for the perfect way to eat, too. Maybe you are, but your way of getting there is very different.

    Self-compassion is a commitment to yourself to figure out your needs. Figure out what nourishes you in mind, body and heart. Self-compassion keeps you accountable to yourself and at peace with food.

    What does being at peace with food do for you?

    Recognize that if your relationship with food isn’t serving you in the way you had hoped, it can change at any point in your life.

    Being at peace with food transforms your relationship with food. It is dynamic, so tomorrow is closer to where you need to be.

    Keep moving forward no matter what because your relationship with yourself matters most!

    Sometimes, you need to push yourself when you’re scared and unsure if the outcome will be better than your current situation. But, when you’re backing yourself with self-compassion and accountability, you have what you need to take a risk.

    Self-compassion allows you to take care of yourself as you change.

    Pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, no matter how content you are at the moment and stepping into the next best thing in your life is what transforming your relationship with yourself is like.

    Conclusion

    When you say “yes” to yourself, you are already creating the space to be at peace with food. Thoughtfully, mindfully, making decisions from your heart, bit by bit, with self-compassion leading you where you need to be!

  • Top 10 Habits To Be More Calm Every Day

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    Your life changes when you use these ten habits to be more calm every day!

    Feeling good comes from experiencing less stress and more calmness, and the tiniest bit of success at this, as soon as possible, helps to stay motivated.

    Habits that motivate you to keep going and build on each success are like a snowball that magically grows with each new day.

    As you begin the process and start experiencing more calm, it might not be easy to trust that it will last. Others might not notice your changes, but you know what you’ve accomplished and find valuable because you see it in yourself. The challenge comes when you need to trust that you have the best interests in your heart and stay on the path of calm and clarity.

    These actions can take you to greater self-awareness as you grow in your relationship with yourself, where you know what you want and need and go after it!

    Here are the top 10 ways to connect with yourself and create a calmer life.

    1. Get Moving - a simple walk around the block can help

    Physical activity is one of the most common recommendations for feeling better - because it works! Countless studies have shown that improved physical and psychological health happens through movement. A simple walk around the block helps go a long way. It shifts your perspective, interrupts negative thoughts and gets your blood flowing.

    2. Talk it out - use your words to give your feelings life

    Talk it out to yourself, a friend, the dog, etc. Sometimes, we need to hear ourselves out loud. As you listen to yourself, uncovering the thoughts and feelings just under the surface is more effortless. You get clear on your internal process, how you view the situation and what you feel. Abstract thoughts become more concrete, so options about what you can do with them become clear and calm every day.

    3. Create - creativity helps the mind open up

    The act of creating something, anything, helps you to think differently. Keep supplies on hand to have them available when you need to create. You only need a piece of paper and a pencil in a pinch. Scribble, draw, make patterns, etc. Just get the creativity flowing. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece since that’s not the point. Leave perfectionism out of it. Your goal is to introduce more flexibility into your capacity for problem-solving and creativity.

    4. Eat - if you’re hungry, you need food!

    Not everyone experiences hunger in the same way. Emotional or stress eating might mask the early stages of hunger. It could be that increased anxiety and irritability are early hunger signs before your stomach rumbles. Give yourself a minute to check in and see if you need nourishment to refuel. If you do, eat a well-balanced, nourishing meal without looking at a screen. Enjoy your food and the experience of taking good care of yourself so you can be calm every day.

    5. Companionship - seek out community

    We are social beings and sometimes we need to be with others. Spending time with a friend can take your mind off your current worries. It’s a break that can get you out of your head and the all-consuming thoughts that lead to emotional exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed. Your troubles won’t disappear and most things in life aren’t emergencies. Giving yourself some space and shifting your focus for a while is okay.

    Being with others and listening to their challenges will remind you that no one escapes difficulties. We’re all in this together and being together helps to shift your mindset from “No one understands what I’m going through” to “We’re all more alike than different and we all have struggles.”

    6. Entertainment - do something just for fun

    Escape! Yes, escape into something just for fun.

    • When was the last time you laughed just because something silly happened?
    • Or when did you last play a game just because you like it?
    • When did you watch your favorite movie?

    Push the pause button and allow yourself to let go of seriousness and have a laugh.

    7. Journal - write it out to get it out

    Journaling has a long track record of helpfulness. It’s one of the time-tested ways of getting to know yourself. You can write it out in note form, bullet journaling with colorful pens and drawings and freewriting is always an option. The point is that writing out how you feel helps you organize your experience, clarify your ideas and stop them from cycling through your thought process without examination.

    You may even generate ideas and plans that take you where you want to go.

    8. Plan for your needs  and take care of yourself

    Take the time to slow down, stop thinking about others and put yourself in the equation. What is it that you need right now? What do you think you will need later today? It can be as simple as going to bed earlier, having a cup of tea, paying a bill, making an appointment, getting a new pair of shoes, etc. Feeling less stressed for having accomplished the task is the goal. Think about your needs and put them on the agenda of the people you care for.

    9. identify your feelings - know what you’re dealing with

    Sad, Mad, Glad. These all mean different things to different people and I bet you can refine your feelings even more. You can begin by thinking about all the feelings surrounding the first one that pops into your head. Sad can be broken down into disappointment, regret, grieving, gutted, isolation, loneliness, etc. The feelings you name give you more information about what you need to feel better. They provide you with direction.

    10. Take some quiet time - take some time out for yourself to be calm every day

    Allow yourself quiet time to sit through the distractions. Take some time to sit and be still. It will take practice. Turn off the distractions. Allow yourself to experience just nothing. Start small and take your time. Experience what it’s like for 3 minutes, then try 6 and 9 minutes. Some days will be easy, and others will be next to impossible to quiet yourself, and that’s okay.

    This list is just a beginning to help you get started. There are many supportive and nurturing ways to care for yourself.

    Life will happen and it will often interrupt your calm vibe!

    Conclusion

    Establishing these habits now helps to have what you need when stress flares up, so you’re calm every day!

  • 5 Easy Tools to Clear Blocked Motivation in 5 Minutes

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    How often do you feel like you can’t clear blocked motivation so you can stay on track and focused on your goals?

    Sometimes, a little break is just what you need to refocus and recommit to your goal so you can clear blocked motivation.

    Asking yourself questions that lead to either affirmation or shifting your goals is critical to the growth process. Assessing what works or what doesn’t and then changing it up so you’re closer to your goal is a pleasant, neat process, but there is a flipside…

    When overwhelm creeps in and your enthusiasm wanes, it can lead to apathy, decision fatigue and hopelessness.

    The cycle of feeling down and hopeless robs you of the mojo to keep moving.

    Regaining your enthusiasm is an intentional process.

    It may seem like waiting for inspiration is your only option, but in the end, waiting will only get you further away from your goal. Taking small, manageable steps, step by step, regularly gets you where you want to be much sooner than you imagine.

    Fortunately, you have options to begin the process!

    You can move out of apathy, doubt, or overwhelm and learn to prevent it from happening again.

    You can clear blocked motivation!

    With these five motivation tools and just 5 minutes each day, you can get back into the flow of success, focus on your goal and welcome the good things that come your way.

    Here’s the plan:

    1. Choose one tool and practice it for 5 minutes or more if it’s working.
    2. Adapt the five motivation tools so they work best for you.

    Before you know it, blocked motivation will be a thing of the past.

    5 Tools to Clear Blocked Motivation

    1. Do just one thing at a time.

    Focus on just one part of your goal. Often, we get so overwhelmed with the larger goal that we have difficulty seeing the small steps right in front of us. Think about the spokes on the wheel of a bike tire. All are needed to make the wheel solid and stable; each small action is like the spokes on the bike wheel and is necessary to support the larger goal. Focus on one spoke at a time.

    Celebrate when one part of your goal is accomplished and use this success to fuel your motivation for the next one.

    2. Get moving.

    To get the energy flowing, there is no end to the helpfulness a walk in the sunshine brings. I am talking about the type of walk where you can just be, look at the clouds, watch the birds, feel the sunshine on your face, and be in the present moment. The walk can be a short one; 5 minutes is good.

    There is no need to get your workout gear on for a power walk; this is a ‘get re-centered walk’ to reconnect with your sense of self and what you are working on and clear blocked motivation.

    Think about each step moving you forward, step by step toward your goal.

    3. Open yourself to growth

    When people feel doubtful, fearful and anxious, they often constrict the body, thoughts and beliefs in what is possible. Collapsing into your body and getting smaller can result in shallow breathing.

    Take three deep breaths comfortably, not too fast or too slowly, which can loosen tension and bring a sense of expansion back. You can feel your body fill with oxygen and feel your breath, bringing new life into your being. 

    With each breath, think about expansion and give yourself space to do what you need to do for your life.

    4. Visualize your life as you need it to be.

    It is expected that we think of goals as wishes, and they are. More importantly, though, goals are also needed. It changes when you think about your goal from the mindset of a need rather than a wish. Now, it is something closer, more intimate. Rather than a wish that can be dismissed, it calls your attention to take action so you can clear blocked motivation.

    To live a fulfilling life, you need meaning and purpose.

    5. Just let it go and be.

    Give yourself no more than 5 minutes to write down all of your negative, worrisome, challenging, tedious, doubtful, and fearful thoughts. Then put them in a bag and seal it up! Let them be. They are just words; some will be yours and others. Remember, they are just words. Your truth is much bigger, much more life-giving than any doubts.

    Give yourself 5 minutes or more and write down your supportive, productive, growth-enhancing thoughts and words. Keep these with you and remind yourself of them every day. Filling your mind with these words helps to keep you adaptable and focused on growth.

    Conclusion

    Give yourself the time and energy to get unblocked and back to growth with the tools above.

    The greatest gift to yourself is your time and attention.

    Becoming more conscious daily will fuel your motivation to achieve your goals. 

    You can have the success you desire and the life you need.  

  • The Truth About Clarity and Motivation

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    I wish clarity and motivation were good friends, but they’re usually more like casual acquaintances. When we lived in Texas, we always looked forward to seeing another couple at our mutual friend’s house. It was only a few times a year for the annual holiday party, summer cookout, and sometimes Thanksgiving. We always said that we would get together, but we never followed through and made plans. It was that extra hurdle of commitment to a plan that didn’t happen and it became a friendly joke.

    Many women believe they’ll be motivated to take action when they understand why they do what they do.

    It makes sense and works in many situations, like school, work, or baking. You watch a video to learn how to fold in the dry ingredients and why it’s essential for the recipe instead of wondering what to do or why. Now that you have the information, you can mix the cake more confidently, and it’s much easier to start and get the cake in the oven.

    Unfortunately, with human behavior, clarity rarely leads to motivation for meaningful change. The irony is that when you mix in emotion, associations to past events, habits, and the busyness of life, what could be clear becomes opaque very quickly.

    Clarity

    Clarity requires deeper awareness of your experiences, interpretations, and your ability to take thoughtful action. Blending understanding and knowledge are the main ingredients of clarity.

    Understanding

    Understanding ourselves takes a bit of time. Reflection, education and experience are the necessary ingredients for understanding. I think of knowledge as located in the gut, and it’s more on the emotional, felt level of experience.

    Knowledge

    Knowledge comes from our experiences, training, information gained from others, or experimentation. Knowledge is what we think of as being in our heads. It is the logical or even observable part of our experiences.

    Action doesn’t come from understanding or knowledge. There is a way of understanding the world around you and making sense of it with your own experience. The role both play in life is extremely important. Understanding and knowledge are the foundation of how you perceive yourself and make sense of your life.

    They help you to contrast where you are and where you want to be, which generates clarity. But that’s not what gets you moving.

    Motivation

    Motivation is the energy to take action on what you desire. You’re either moving toward something or avoiding an outcome you don’t want to experience.

    Emotion, personal history and habits are all parts of what motivates people. And the good news is that you can change your habits and establish new ways of being with yourself.

    For many, the desire to stop negative thoughts and feelings gets them moving. It’s that old saying, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

    The best way to start generating motivation is to do something that feels better than the negativity you experience when you don’t take action. Doing this at least thrice a week makes you more likely to make it a habit. Motivation is more straightforward when you do things that feel better often enough to become a habit supporting your well-being.

    Building Momentum

    Momentum builds and becomes associated with a positive experience of feeling better the more you take action. It feels better to move toward something you want instead of avoiding an experience you don’t want.

    Waiting for clarity before you take action can lead to stagnation and feeling stuck.

    Everybody gets stuck at some point in life. Things happen, circumstances change and work and life are busy. Often, it’s a matter of just keeping up with the everyday living tasks. Getting the groceries, getting to work, getting the kids to do their homework, etc. During times like this, clarity helps.

    Thoughtful Action

    Take time to thoughtfully and mindfully think about what your experience tells you and what you need. This helps you decide on your direction. It’s the most essential part of the recipe. The cake needs flour of some kind to be cake-like, or it’s something else, maybe delicious, but not a cake.

    Knowing what you want and moving in the direction you need to be is thoughtful action. If you don’t,  motivation will be a brutal fight. It will often be busy but directionless, and eventually, it will be a burden. When this happens, people often say, “My motivation is zapped!” It’s misplaced energy and needs to be replenished with clear, intentional direction.

    The irony is that movement – acting – helps you become clear.

    It’s a risk.

    There’s a likelihood that you’ll make mistakes.

    You’ll probably fail – at first – until you learn more about what you need to do.

    It’s all okay and part of understanding what you need.

    Many of my clients think that being motivated requires inspiration as the catalyst. They will experience a positive energy boost that propels them to take action. I wish that were the case a lot more often, but it’s not.

    I’ve found that by moving toward what you truly want, with understanding and knowledge, you’ll make decisions that lead you to what you need and want in your life.

    Conclusion

    It’s challenging to get started and take the risk of stepping into the life you desire but don’t know yet.

    As you gather more experience of moving toward and receiving what you desire, your experience of motivation changes from negative associations to positive ones.

    Taking action is the fuel for clarity and motivation. It helps you to understand what is essential and needed in your life.

  • 3 Foolproof Ways to Breakout of Decision Fatigue

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    Recently I had lunch with a friend at a new sandwich place and it was just the type of place I love and the sort of place where decision fatigue sets in.

    They offered familiar sandwiches and salads with just a bit of a twist that made them enjoyable. It was busy and there was a wide variety of choices. We had to let several regulars order before us because neither could quickly decide.

    We finally got our lunch after about a 30-minute wait. There were so many phone orders ahead of us in addition to the full tables. The conversation turned to both the delicious sandwiches and our decision fatigue.

    We were both amid last-minute getaway plans, not so much an adventurous vacation given we would be doing the same thing, but in a different location – just the realities of pandemic life!

    And that led to us talking about all the other daily decisions we make. From what to wear, when to go to the grocery store or place a delivery order, to what’s the topic for the next blog, to giving permission or not for the kid’s sleep-over, to considering charitable giving before the end of the year and on and on. There were a bunch more we identified in about 3 minutes.

    We both were at the point of emotional exhaustion listing them, let alone living it.

    Decision Fatigue

    Decision Fatigue happens when we make too many decisions in one day – or even in one hour – and we feel mentally drained by the process. Sometimes, it can make prioritizing tasks, thinking through problems, remembering details and controlling impulses more difficult since the volume of choices strains the brain.

    More often than men, women find themselves in the position of making decisions for their own needs and those for their families, businesses, and other community commitments such as getting together with friends and family, volunteering, church, major household purchases, etc.

    It’s not that women find it harder to make decisions, but women make more decisions. In addition, our choices usually immediately impact our lives and those around us. Those two factors, volume and speed, are significant contributors to decision fatigue.

    Here are three foolproof ways to ease the burden of decision-making to break out of decision fatigue.

    1. Prioritize Tasks

    One of the best ways to relieve decision fatigue is by listing the tasks that need to be completed – both big and small – and then deciding which of them – big or small – must be done first.

    Here’s an example:

    I often make a “master list” of things to do. This could be a DIY home project or even a fun activity like holiday decorating.

    I remind myself that the list will be extensive, but it’s okay since I’ll break it down.

    The next step is to break the “master list” into bite-size chunks that I complete in less time.

    The details aren’t in my head when I get things down on paper or in a document. I’ve done the “brain dump” task and can look at it more objectively from an action-taking standpoint. This includes the logical steps to completion and what I can realistically accomplish in the time I have.

    The last part about realistically accomplishing is significant since it’s both a practical and self-compassion practice. Biting off more than you can chew often leads to feeling overwhelmed, leading to decision fatigue, so take smaller bits, and you’ll be more comfortable and make progress, too.

    2. Consider What’s Needed

    Another great way to relieve decision fatigue is to think about what’s needed.

    When decisions are many, there’s a tendency to speed up the process and that’s the fast track to decision fatigue. The faster you make decisions the faster your tension will be relieved, at least that’s the hope. However, this perspective only considers short-term stress. I’m guessing what you want is longer-term relief, too.

    Here are three questions that can help you take a moment to make a better decision:

    1. Is this an immediate need?
    2. Is it “nice to do” or “needs to be done” right now?
    3. Do I need or want help with this decision?

    These three simple questions can help you increase your awareness of your and the situation’s needs and ultimately lead to more thoughtful decision-making.

    3. Reacting vs. Responding

    So much of the time, we react without thinking, and this is a significant contributor to decision fatigue. Step 1 – prioritizing and Step 2 – focusing on needs both help to slow down that process so you can mindfully choose how you want to respond to what’s being asked of you. This shifts the dynamic.

    You get out of the rapid-fire decision-making and into a comfortable way of being. When you know what you need (your family, too), there aren’t as many decisions as possible to make.

    You don’t need to consider choices because you already know the answer before the question is asked. This is a significant shift from reacting to thoughtfully responding and that’s what being in alignment is all about.

    Conclusion

    When you move out of what Jon Kabat-Zinn calls human doing and into a human being, it’s a place where day-to-day decisions no longer seem stressful. You have a reservoir of calm and well-being you can draw on when your stress level rises and you start to feel the emotional exhaustion of decision fatigue. Your confidence increases as you know what’s in your best interests and respond positively.

  • How To Create A Reservoir Of Inner Calm

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    This article gives you five strategies to create a reservoir of inner calm, which you can draw from when stressful situations arise.

    Since we can’t control when stress spikes, we can plan what to do when it does, so when your patience is in short supply, you know just what to do.

    How many situations that test your level of patience in a day? If you are like most people, you have likely lost count, but this article will teach you how to ride out the calm in the eye of the storm.

    The secret to staying calm when you are in a state of stress is to hold your immediate reaction, even if it’s for a brief moment to regroup. The secret here is to rehearse. Your brain will do what it can to protect you by fleeing, fighting, or freezing as if the threat is mortal. But that’s not what we’re talking about right now.

    Everyday stress like traffic, work deadlines, your child can’t find the charger to his Chromebook and you needed to leave for school – ten minutes ago – we all have countless examples! Times of everyday stress are when you can safely hold your immediate reaction so you can thoughtfully choose your response.

    Reservoir of inner calm

    All you need to do is build a calm reservoir and use it as needed. It doesn’t need to be filled before you start. It would never happen if that were the case because the everyday stressors do not stop for anyone.

    There isn’t a finite supply of inner calm. You’ll keep adding to your reserves as you grow in your ability to create space between you and the effects of stress.

    Here are five ways you can increase your reservoir of inner calm.

    1. Increase your emotional mastery

    Emotional mastery is the ability to identify what you’re feeling, what happens when you feel it and then take action so the emotion moves through you instead of getting stuck.

    The practice of emotional mastery is what builds resilience. It’s your guide for what you need to feel better. It takes the work of thinking about it and strategizing your plan. You already know what helps you and can do it immediately. The byproduct is inner calm.

    2. Begin a daily mindful practice

    Being present with the world around you is grounding. It is easy to get caught up in the day-to-day activities of life and lose yourself. For many of my clients, this prevents them from moving forward and reaching their goals.

    When feeling alone and out of control, you must take time out of your day to meditate, be quiet and disconnect from “doing.” Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), has often said that we are more like human beings than human beings.

    A daily mindfulness practice can be as individual as you are. It might be sitting quietly for five minutes, an hour, or something in between. Or it might be walking and practicing your awareness of the birds, the sunlight on the tree leaves, or the breeze on your cheek. It could also be doing something where you lose yourself, like in creative practice – drawing, painting, quilting, knitting, etc. The point is to disconnect from information coming into your being and connect with your internal sense of yourself.

    3. Challenge negative thinking

    Everyone has negative thoughts that creep into their head throughout the day, but how you deal with them matters. When you feel yourself moving down the road of negativity, it is time to step back and identify the emotion that sparked those thoughts.

    By challenging negative thinking, you will begin to use the thoughts to help you shift your perspective. You can regain your inner calm and peace even if you’ve felt this way for a long time.

    4. Limit negative influences

    “You are a product of your environment” is a common saying for a reason! Surrounding yourself with people and environments that encourage growth and positive thinking is essential.

    When you cut out the negative influences from your life, you will feel a sense of freedom and weight lifted. Eliminating those who drag you down can open new avenues for personal growth.

    One crucial aspect is ensuring that your environment is as calming as possible. A home is a place of respite, but not always. Clearing your space (home, car, purse, office, garage, etc.) of clutter is very important. A fancy car is nice, but a clean car you feel good in is excellent. It’s the same idea with your house; it’s lovely if you have the resources to live in a picture-perfect space, but most of us don’t. Living in a house free from clutter and disorganization helps keep your inner calm reservoir full!

    5. Remove yourself from the situation

    Getting caught up in stressful situations that seem impossible to escape can be easy. Not getting caught up means establishing a boundary between yourself and the situation.

    It can be frustrating when you are removed from a situation you are trying to change. But sometimes, taking a break or realizing that you’ve done all you can and may need to make a different choice is more beneficial.

    Conclusion

    This article aims to provide five helpful strategies to fill your reservoir of inner calm. You can experience less stress and more time and energy for your desired things! Isn’t that a big part of clearing stress to live a mindful and fulfilling life?

  • 3 Ways Self-knowledge Makes You Emotionally Strong

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    We are often blind to what our emotions are trying to tell us, and they are the basis for self-knowledge. It can be hard to pay attention when your head is piled high with tasks, appointments, and endless everyday worries that seem impossible to solve.

    Yet, when we pay attention and develop a deeper awareness, we have everything we need to make choices that align our lives with our needs and desires.

    It is impossible to say how much of this is a natural or an acquired ability, but it has been part of humankind’s evolutionary process since the beginning.

    We evolved to be aware of our environment and learn from our experiences to create a future full of purpose. This means that, without self-knowledge, life could be filled with regret, leading to suffering. The longer you put off pursuing self-knowledge, the more times you’ll have to reinvent the wheel, which only makes things worse.

    The process is simple. At the same time, it requires you to be patient with yourself. When you’re unsure, it takes time to figure out what you’re feeling rather than making a snap judgment that isn’t accurate. This is how self-knowledge makes you emotionally strong.

    Here is your 3 part recipe to increase your self-knowledge and emotional strength.

    Here is your 3-part recipe to increase your self-knowledge and emotional strength.

    1. Identify your emotions.

    When you are uncertain of yourself, introspection is the way to go.

    Identify the emotions you are experiencing at the moment. What is your gut feeling? Your breath? Your heart?

    Characteristics of an emotion include clarity, intensity, and pleasure or pain. If you don’t know what an emotion feels like, here are some examples for you to explore more closely:

    Anxiety – The immediate irritation present when faced with a particular situation.

    Disillusioned – The feeling that everything is not as good as it seems.

    Excited – A state of intense arousal, often with an accompanying sense of joy.

    Sad – A feeling of discomfort lacking clarity. It’s more like a vague melancholy.

    Anger – Clear sensations in your body signal the need to take action and be defensive against certain situations.

    Joy – The highest and most enjoyable emotion experienced by humans. It is a state of permanent happiness and contentment felt after great success or accomplishment.

    It’s essential to be as specific as possible with your emotions.

    This is one of the times in life where nuance matters a lot. Clarity about your internal state makes a difference. It’s too easy to get swept up in the immediate emotion and put it in a broad category when it might be much more subtle.

    Take, for example, anger and sadness. Many people become angry when they’re sad. They don’t want to experience loss and instead become angry as a way of pushing the feeling away.

    I had this experience when I moved across the country.

    I didn’t want to move; I loved where I lived and often thought, “Man, I love it here.” But, when it came time to begin the moving process, I started to pick out all the flaws and justify why it would be better to live elsewhere. I pushed away the fond feelings for a place I loved to make it easier to focus on the future.

    This process prevented me from acknowledging my experience of loss and the sadness I felt. Instead of letting go, feeling sad and being in the present, I was misaligned with myself. Ultimately, it made the transition more complex and it took longer than expected to settle into the new location.

    2. Put your experiences into context.

    Make a short list of 3 moments of your life that made you feel strong.

    When doing this exercise, pay attention to the emotions present during each of the three experiences.

    What emotions were present for these three events? What characteristics did they have?

    Once you have this information, it’s time to contextualize it. Explain each of these three moments as if you were explaining your life story to someone new. This exercise requires a non-judgmental outlook – it’s just the observable information, not an evaluation of it.

    It’s helpful to make a note for yourself on your phone, in a journal, or on a sticky note that you put somewhere so you can see it often. Reminders like this help you keep the emotion and experience in your mind so it becomes part of what you do during the day.

    This is another way that self-knowledge makes you strong.

    3. Determine what your plans need to be.

    What would you do differently if you knew what your emotions were telling you?

    Imagine yourself in the future.

    If you knew what was going on inside of you at the time, would this future change?

    Which ones?

    Why?

    What must you do to bring this future about, or how can it be easier or faster?

    A word of warning.

    Many people think they can skip over numbers 1 and 2 above and go right for number 3 to create a more aligned future. But it just doesn’t work that way. It would be much less painful and messy if it did, but it doesn’t.

    Alignment takes time and reflection to know yourself and your needs. Don’t shortchange yourself by moving past this quickly. Most of us were never taught anything about emotions or feelings other than being told what is “appropriate” to feel for someone else’s convenience. There can be a lot of unpacking judgments in this phase.

    Shaping your life into one where you draw on your sense of inner calm and self-knowledge makes you emotionally intense so that you can live your life in a fulfilling way.

    It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day struggle of life and forget that we are all just one step away from creating our ideal futures.

    Conclusion

    No one is born with emotional mastery.

    It’s a learned skill that you can master at any point in your life. The process is simple, but knowing more about yourself with each step takes time.

    1. Identify your emotions.
    2. Put your experiences into context.
    3. Plan for the future based on the two previous steps.

    Self-knowledge makes you strong and able to handle anything with clarity, alignment and grace.

  • 10 Ways to be strong, feel calm and have clarity

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    Being strong, calm and clear are three ingredients anyone needs when they’re in the middle of challenging times.

    Hectic schedules, long work hours, health problems and fast-paced changes aren’t easy to handle. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, here are the keys to being strong, calm and clear:

    1. Breathe!

    Taking a few minutes out of every day to breathe can change your perspective on everything around you. It puts distance between the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that may be distracting you from focusing on what’s truly important. 

    It delivers more oxygen to your brain, lowers stress, and increases calming neurotransmitters for clarity.

    2. Change your environment.

    This is a big one. A change is needed when you’re around people you don’t want to be with. 

    Too much clutter or noise can increase anxiety if your physical environment is stressful. Even at a low level, they distract you from what you need to do. 

    Think about what you need to create a positive environment for yourself. Ask yourself if this is helping me or stopping me from doing what I need to do for my well-being.

    3. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

    Realize that others may not understand your life as well as you do. 

    Maybe you need time and space to understand your life, too.

    The first part of being calm is to understand what’s going on within yourself. Sometimes we take our first impressions as the only impression. 

    Take, for instance, a feeling. You might initially be irritated when someone doesn’t hold the door open.  You might quickly think it’s rude and the person is a jerk. This might be true, but often we don’t have the opportunity to find out. 

    When your feelings linger and you wonder why you can’t shake an insignificant situation, it’s probably something else, like feeling invisible, disrespected, unimportant, or any other feelings that need care. 

    Understanding yourself is an act of self-compassion. This leads to more calm and clarity and knowing what you need.

    4. Being strong comes from self-knowledge

    Every one of us has a reason to be here and a purpose. Seek that purpose. 

    You may not see the storyline that made you who you are, but trust it and hang on to what you know. Your life is unfolding in ways no one can predict. 

    As you go through life, it may not be what you expected if you followed the plan. Go to school, create a promising career, find the right partner, have the kids or not and then you’ll have the life you dreamed of. But when it doesn’t turn out that way, many people doubt they’re on the “right” path. I don’t think there’s a right path, just your one. 

    Each path has many options, and you can change your direction to a path that feels more aligned with what you need. Sometimes, it takes some exploring to find out which path it is. Take each day as it comes, make wise decisions and in the end, you’ll get to where you need to be.

    5. Build a reservoir of calm

    Strength comes from building your reserves of calm and clarity. 

    When you know where you end and the other begins it’s easier not to let the emotions of others upset you. Emotional boundaries aren’t about being unfeeling or lacking empathy; they’re about respecting yourself and others so that you each have your own experiences. 

    Your self-knowledge and well-being habits are skills you can learn to keep stress low and reservoir of calm.

    6. If something is bothering you, deal with it then and there.

    Don’t put it off for tomorrow. If you let the sun set on the problems that you have today, they will only create more mind-clutter. 

    Ask yourself three things: 

    1. How am I feeling? 
    2. What do I need?
    3. Which action do I need to take? 

    Sometimes, your answer might be, “I don’t know,” and that’s completely okay. You might need to give it a few minutes and allow some space to get clear. 

    The idea is not to let it linger and avoid dealing with something that needs your attention.

    7. Clear communication with yourself and others takes time

    Use it. Don’t talk yourself out of your ideas or accept less than what you need. Don’t settle for less than what you are for convenience. 

    Being heard and understood will help you to keep growing in your relationships – with yourself and others.

    8. Choose your words wisely and be sincere even when wrong.

    Don’t try to manipulate yourself or others with your words by saying something different from what is in your heart. 

    When you’re clear, it’s easier to speak how you would like to be spoken to, with compassion, sincerity, and integrity. 

    Remember, personal integrity is a gift you can give yourself every day.

    9. Know what’s most important to you and cherish and protect it.

    No one knows exactly what will happen; don’t put your happiness in someone else’s hands. 

    Be responsible for your feelings and trust that others can also choose to be responsible for their feelings. 

    Your job is to take care of your well-being.

    10. The simple things matter.

    A smile, a compliment, or a walk through the woods can give you the energy you need to find inner clarity and inspiration. The simple things sprinkle the day with positive feelings and bathe your brain in feel-good neurochemicals. 

    It’s essential to take a step back and savor those moments. They are the antidote to negativity and false positives.

    Conclusion

    Being strong, feeling calm and having clarity are all possible. 

    When life feels overwhelming and your mind is cluttered with everything you need to do, people you need to take care of, and situations that need your attention, it can seem impossible. 

    There isn’t a magic wand, but one thing makes a difference – it’s your relationship with yourself. 

    When self-compassion becomes a priority in your life, it leads to more calm and clarity and strengthens you!

  • Do you need more than peace to be fulfilled?

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    I found the answer was to take care of my needs that I had buried while taking care of everything and everyone. It was the simple yet challenging step that led to longer-lasting happiness and contentment, which means – peace.

    What do you really want?

    I’ve found that I want a few essential things. I care about the people around me and my own needs and for all of us to be happy and fulfilled.

    I also care about people who aren’t close to me and who I don’t often think of.

    If things are going well, I’m good at thinking about everyone in my life and making sure I’m contributing in some way to their happiness.

    Sometimes, though, even when things are going well, that’s not enough for me. I want things to be even better. What I don’t want to be stressed out all the time.

    I think about what you really need to be happy.

    We often look for happiness in things we think we can do something about. But when we look for it in the things that don’t seem to change, I wonder whether there is more than peace.

    For the high-achieving career women I work with, struggling to find the space and time for themselves while caring for their family, maintaining connections with friends, and pursuing their interests is challenging.

    Many single women are often convinced that they’ll be happy if they find the “right” relationship. It’s hard to give up the fairytale that was ingrained in our psyche so long ago. It’s so pervasive in children’s stories that even as an adult who knows her relationship with herself is what leads to inner peace, the wish that the fairy godmother will show up with her magic wand is a solid image to change.

    Women who feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness and feel guilty for not being able to contribute to it, even after spending time meeting their own needs, can wear down even the most resilient of women.

    The most important thing is that you are happy.

    You are responsible for it, but don’t let that throw you off track. I’ll repeat it.

    The most important thing is that you are happy.  Don’t put the responsibility for your happiness on anyone else, even your spouse or partner. Although they can significantly contribute to your happiness, the outcome of your life is ultimately up to you.

    But some things could make you happy. For instance, if your spouse or partner can do something to bring you happiness, let them. If they can’t, then the best thing to do is for you to take steps to bring about happiness on your own. The thing I want you to remember is there is no magic wand.

    There’s nothing that will automatically make you happy

    It’s not the day that:

    • The kids go to college.
    • You get the big promotion you’ve worked the last ten years to achieve.
    • Drive off from the car dealership in your dream car.

    Your understanding of what is important to you will change. It’s fun to enjoy the freedom of choice success brings, like sending the kids to college or the income from the promotion and driving a nice car feels good, but don’t let that stop you from pursuing what brings you a deep sense of fulfillment.

    If you think when things are going well, but that’s not enough for me, you’re probably moving toward fulfillment.

    “I want things to be even better,” it a kind of declaration that you need to take steps towards the peace that brings fulfillment.

    To me, peace is an accomplishment, but it’s not the biggest achievement in life.