Emotional Mastery

  • Silk: The Simple Tool to Overcome Stress Eating

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    Conscious Eating is one of the fastest ways to overcome stress eating.

    Conscious Eating gives you the skills to transform your relationship with food and eating so you’re in control.

    When you learn emotional mastery tools, they’re transferable to many challenges in life, not only to overcome stress eating.

    Conscious Eating isn’t a diet. It’s being present and intentional about what you eat, how your body feels and what your mind needs for satisfaction.

    As you make choices for long-term shifts in how you relate to yourself and your body, you’ll also learn to be more patient and compassionate.

    Remember that this is a mindset-transformational shift in your relationship with yourself.

    It’s big and we’ll take it one step at a time.

    Mindset is how you think about things, or your ‘frame of mind’ and how your thoughts shape your actions. It’s more than simply differentiating between a pessimistic (glass half empty) or optimistic (glass half full) point of view.

    Conscious Eating is a mindset change toward mindful growth in thinking, feeling, and relating to yourself.

    This isn’t a ‘think differently and your behavior will change’ approach to stress eating.

    It is working with yourself toward a goal, value, or belief—whatever word fits best for you—and knowing that you can create what you need to achieve your goal and live in harmony with your values.

    A mindset shift considers your entire experience as a person making change, mind, body and heart so you can overcome stress eating for good!

    Becoming a Conscious Eater is learning to reshape how you care for yourself.

    Conscious Eating is forward-thinking and growth-enhancing. You are learning to do things differently. Learn how to stop, listen, identify, and live with compassion and kindness!

    The most time-consuming part of change is when you’re preparing to make a change but are not quite ready yet.

    Small changes, bit by bit, adjusting to the newness, and continuing to move forward are effective. You are being mindful of what’s working and what’s not and then making adjustments. Use the experience, both good and challenging, to help you know which way to go.

    When you can use your time to learn about what you want, it is worth investing your time and energy.

    The good news is that when you stop, identify your needs, and listen to yourself with kindness and compassion, you are much further along in overcoming stress, eating for good.

    4 Conscious Eating skills to overcome stress eating.

    SILK is an easy way to remember this process: Stop, Identify, Listen, and do all this with kindness in your heart. Here’s the framework for it to happen –

    SILK – Stop

    Being consumed with food, telling yourself that you will be ‘good’ or ‘healthy’ or you’ll eat clean, only takes you further away from your goal. It puts so much responsibility into manipulating food that it’s challenging to focus on your goals and values.

    This surface-level attention keeps the focus on food rather than your relationship with it. It’s manipulating the food to have a better relationship with yourself.

    This feeds the problem.

    The way out is to risk shifting your focus to your relationship with yourself and away from the food.

    When you stop, you give yourself the space to consider other options when you overcome stress eating.

    The opportunity you open yourself to is growth. This is where a shift in mindset takes hold for your well-being – when you give yourself time and space to make conscious choices.

    Are the food rules you live with something like this; ‘I can’t eat ______, ______is bad, ______ leads to ______ health issue, etc.?

    Have you repeated some version of this statement to yourself so often that you accept it as fact? If you eat one of the forbidden foods, do you experience shame and guilt?

    Your challenge is to ask yourself if you are physically hungry and if so, what is my body asking me for right now?

    The next question to ask yourself is – what do I emotionally need right now?

    It may be that you don’t need food at all. You may need sleep, rest, friendship, love, space, quiet, movement, etc.

    And finally, ask yourself what you need for your mind, body, and heart to feel content.

    You might not be very confident in your answers at the beginning. That’s OK!

    Remember, this is moving away from someone else’s ideals and toward your self-knowledge for your unique relationship with yourself.

    SILK – Identify

    One of the first questions I ask the people I work with is your needs. I would guess that 99 percent of the time, they know that I’m not asking about food and shelter or even to change their body or behaviors in some way.

    I know this because, more often than not, they will look me in the eye and tears will well up with the knowledge that something is missing.

    A deep longing for growth has stalled in the quest for a different body as if that’s a guarantee of happiness.

    When you stop, take a breath, and allow yourself to look at your life and know that it’s not totally about your body, you have a realistic opportunity to overcome stress eating.

    One of the most convenient times to do this is while eating.

    Do only one thing while eating.

    It is tough to stress eating if eating is your only mindless activity.

    Practice being in the present moment and notice where your mind leads you.

    Sitting with yourself while eating takes practice, especially when Eating is your way of escaping discomfort.

    If you’re reading a book, watching TV, or working, it is nearly impossible to feel your emotions, hunger or fullness cues, or identify what you truly need.

    Your attention is soaked up by the action in the story or the problem being solved.

    You’re not in the present; you’re on autopilot.

    As you become more comfortable identifying what you need, you will also get clear on which foods you enjoy, how your body responds and what works best for you.

    SILK – Listen

    Growth requires intentional change and the way to get there is to increase your awareness of your negative self-talk and the thoughts and feelings you experience; outwardly silent, yet inwardly booming, crashing like a giant wave on your hope, motivation, and faith in yourself.

    This means leaving negative self-talk, criticism and blame out of the equation.

    The fight is over, a truce is called and the peace talks are happening.

    The peace process is a little more complicated and takes more patience and you can do it.

    Little by little, with consistent intention toward growth, negative thinking eases up, allowing room for growth.

    Remember, this is a shift in the way you live your life. It is worth the effort to overcome stress eating.

    We live in a time where our bodies are fair game for judgment, objectification, shaming and attempts to live up to someone else’s expectations.

    You may be waiting for whatever obstacle—real or imagined—to disappear. Removing the obstacle means acknowledging it and building a strategy that works for your life.

    Ask yourself –

    • do I want to participate in this type of conversation with myself?
    • What might I hear instead of all the negativity if I’m listening with my core values?

    A growth mindset is assessing what needs to change, working toward the goal and making prudent adjustments.

    Listening means moving away from controlling and toward acceptance.

    Sometimes acceptance is confused with: ‘This is who you are; it’s not going to change, so just get over it.’ I’m glad that this is wrong in this context!

    Acceptance is looking and listening so that your relationship with yourself can grow – mind, body and heart!

    If you desire change, it is possible through healing, respect and kindness.

    Accepting who you are today frees you to use the energy spent criticizing yourself more flexibly.

    Listen for all the good you can do and all the happiness you can experience.

    SILK – Kindness

    Looking clearly, listening honestly, and stopping to pay attention all give perspective and motivation so that you can make adjustments and keep growing.

    Conscious Eating is about curiosity, flexibility, and a willingness to make mistakes so you can grow from them.

    Popular diet and eating plans are overwhelmingly all about the quick fix and won’t help you overcome stress eating.

    They require you to abandon values and good judgment about your nutrition and focus exclusively on changing your body.

    The assumption is that a different body is the key to happiness in your life.

    This devalues your humanity.

    Dieting is not about health; it is about an illusion of control. An illusion that you’ll have the life you want if you follow the diet. If it worked, it would work!

    You can shut off your feelings and ignore them for only so long. They’ll overflow and come rushing back with the onslaught of stress eating and feeling poorly about yourself.

    The truth is that Conscious Eating is about learning life-long skills for your health.

    Many of the skills will help in other areas as well. SILK enables you to use your self-knowledge to live a happy and fulfilling life.

    The big picture view of your life.

    Kindness and compassion provide an excellent foundation for living your life in harmony.

    Mistakes allow you to make more informed choices the next time, so you can overcome stress eating.

    When you become a Conscious Eater, you can trust your decisions because they are grounded in your self-knowledge and values.

    The choice is freely made.

    Remember, SILK: Stop, Identify, Listen, and Kindness. The path will always lead you back to you!

  • 9 Practical Ways to Go From Stressed Out to Stressless

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    Are you feeling stressed out?

    There are so many reasons to be stressed out. But before you start looking for reasons why stress is getting the best of you, let’s bring it down.

    Stress reduction techniques you want to engage with suit your long-term well-being and happiness.

    Whether it’s –

    • misplacing your keys before an early meeting at work
    • being worried about an upcoming doctor’s appointment
    • having to give a presentation in front of your classmates,

    stress is a universal experience. Our daily stress levels can fluctuate due to our circumstances with work, health, or our families and friends. More extensive situations, such as global pandas, natural disasters, or political issues, can also increase stress levels.

    While we may not always be in control and feel stressed out, we are responsible for how we respond to stress. Here are some ways to deal with stressful situations and learn how to reduce stress’s impact on your well-being.

    Ways To De-Stress

    You might have a never-ending to-do list, meetings that could have been emails, or be stuck in traffic that makes your hectic life just that much busier and leaves you feeling stressed out. Finding time for yourself in the mix of your responsibilities is challenging. Luckily, even with a handful of free minutes a day, you can take action on a few things to help you calm and lower your stress.

    Here are some examples to help you go from stressed out to stressless.

    1. Go for a short walk.

    Walking lets us clear our minds, get fresh air, and move our bodies. When we go outside, our minds become stimulated by the outdoor environment rather than the internal stress we may focus on. Additionally, physical activity releases endorphins, which are feel-good hormones in the brain that support pain relief.

    2. Take a music break.

    Music can feel therapeutic because listening to songs you enjoy, singing along with, or dancing releases a neurotransmitter, or a chemical messenger, in the brain called dopamine. Dopamine has several functions, but some of its functions include lowering blood pressure and feeling contentment, which may result in better moods.

    3. Call a loved one.

    It may be beneficial for you to pick up the phone to hear someone else’s voice when the stress in your head begins to feel loud. According to health psychology, social support is an incredible tool for stress relief, coping with difficult situations, and even overcoming illnesses. Talking to a loved one can help you feel less alone, especially during tough times.

    4. Cuddle with your fur baby.

    Touch and affection can positively impact your well-being. Research has shown that both can reduce cortisol—the hormone in our bodies that induces stress reactions. Not only can a quick at-home pet therapy session make you de-stress, but it can also improve the bond with your pet.

    5. Give mindfulness meditation a try.

    In recent years, mindfulness meditation has become an increasingly popular stress relief technique. Mindfulness meditation is centering ourselves by bringing awareness to the present moment.

    6. Take a hot bath or shower.

    Research suggests a hot bath or shower about 90 minutes before bed can help lower stress. When you feel elevated levels of stress emotionally, your body can feel the physical effects of tension, muscle aches, and overall fatigue.

    7. Reduce caffeine intake.

    It may be best to keep caffeine reserved for your morning coffee. Drinking caffeine too close to bedtime can alter your sleep patterns, keep you awake when you’re tired and elevate your stress levels.

    8. Read instead of scroll.

    Between Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook, we have more than enough apps on our phones that make it easy to absorb content endlessly. If you catch yourself repeatedly saying, “Just one more video,” and realizing it is past your bedtime, it may be time to limit your phone use before bed. The downside of scrolling on your phone late at night is that the blue light from screens can reduce the production of melatonin, a hormone in our bodies that induces sleep. If you’re craving relaxation before bed, try picking up a book you might enjoy.

    9. Write about it.

    When we face stressors, it’s easy to bundle up all our emotions about the situation. Sometimes, putting any intrusive or anxious thoughts out on paper can clarify your issues or help you find new ways to solve problems—not to mention release all your emotions about your stressors onto paper.

    Conclusion

    We all experience some stress, and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been at least a few times a year. No matter the magnitude of our stressors, the situations that elevate stress can weigh heavy on your mind and body. Well-being habits can help you de-stress every day and enhance your happiness level. I hope this article provides some options and inspires you to compile your favorite list of stress management techniques.  ​

  • 3 Fundamentals to Train Your Brain for Happiness

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    How to help your brain create shortcuts for happiness.

    “Have you found happiness?” Whenever I hear this question, I think of it as asking about something lost and, if so, where it could be. But happiness isn’t something you need to search for, like a long-lost treasure; it’s a matter of learning skills to train your brain for happiness.

    When we talk about “finding” happiness, the assumption is usually that you’re not happy; it’s something you’re missing and you should look for it like a 6-week-old puppy who excitedly runs out the front door and doesn’t know his way home quite yet. But it’s not…

    Happiness is something we create.  

    Like anything built to last, happiness needs a strong foundation before you add the details that make it uniquely your own.

    The foundation for happiness is built with a specific set of skills—happiness skills. These skills can be brain-based, emotional, or behavioral, including positive self-talk, gratitude, self-compassion, and many others.

    If you practice these skills enough, happiness will become second nature. You won’t need to consider them because they become how you live your life.

    How do you train your brain for happiness so it becomes second nature? 

    When you learned to ride a bike, it was probably really hard at first. You practiced how to balance and peddling became more comfortable the more you practiced.

    Now, when you ride a bike, you don’t think about how to ride it or focus on keeping your balance; it feels effortless—almost automatic.

    Training your brain for happiness works the same way. So, when you have the right skills and practice them enough, they become automatic. 

    How does your brain create new habits?

    The thing about your brain is that it does a lot and it works hard at it. When your brain has a task that it has to do frequently (riding the bike), it creates shortcuts that save energy and time so you have what you need as quickly as possible. This is why things that felt impossible before you learned how to do them, like starting and completing a task, now feel easy. It is so easy that you most likely don’t consider it a skill you learned.

    The same thing happens when you train your brain for happiness.

    For instance, most of us aren’t born with skills like gratitude or mindfulness. You learn these skills when you train your brain to create shortcuts, so you recognize opportunities for gratitude or mindfulness when they happen and apply them. Each time you practice, it gets easier and more accessible, just like riding a bike!

    Happiness skills enable you to respond to life’s ups with excitement, joy, and positivity. They also help you build resilience when life gets complicated because we all experience challenges, disappointments and grief.

    At this point, your only obstacle is building a solid foundation to train your brain for happiness.

    Here are the three fundamentals to build a strong foundation:

    1. Prioritize the skills that make a difference. 

    Let’s use math as an example. Pretend you moved to a new school. Because I don’t know what you learned at your previous school, I would give you a placement test to determine which skills you have mastered and still need to learn. You are ready for algebra, so I put you in an algebra class. Great – you’re all set!

    But what if I didn’t test your skill level? Instead, I just put you in a calculus class. Most likely, you’d struggle.

    Or maybe you were ready for calculus and I put you in an algebra class. More than likely, you’d be bored.

    Or maybe you skipped some steps and don’t know multiplication and division yet. Then you’d have a heck of a time keeping up with either algebra or calculus; I know I would have! Learning the right skills is essential to train your brain for practical happiness skills.

    Some practical happiness skills are:

    • Mindful meditation
    • Gratitude Journal
    • Mindful eating
    • Reframing negative experiences
    • Optimism practice and positive self-talk
    • Journaling and self-compassion practice
    • Clear communication
    • Emotional Mastery
    • Exercise
    • Setting boundaries

    2. Practice makes progress!

    When was the last time you learned a new skill—maybe learning a new language, playing an instrument, or enjoying a new craft? Did it take instruction, trial and error and learning until you reached mastery?

    How long until you felt competent, even good at it? If you are average, learning a new skill takes time and effort.

    But I do have some good news. You can make the happiness process faster by correctly practicing the right skills. More specifically, you can practice the skills that have the most significant impact on happiness and practice them in the most enjoyable ways for you. This way, you’ll make more progress in less time and be less likely to quit along the way.

    3. Progress

    In the happiness programs I’ve taught, I am amazed at how quickly people progress when they train their brains for happiness. Their brains are now wired to increase awareness of how to focus on the possibilities for growth, kindness, compassion and gratitude – all essential ingredients for happiness. But just when people start to feel comfortable with their new happiness skills, they hit a brick wall.

    Why does this happen? After prioritizing skills and practicing them for a while, you can hit a plateau or backslide to where you started. This is normal when you learn new habits. The phenomenon is known as the hedonic treadmill. You are forever running and not getting anywhere – you aren’t moving forward. To solve this problem, get off the treadmill and switch things up regularly. Learn new skills and change up your “go-to” solutions to keep things fresh as you expand your skill set.

    Imagine this. Returning to our math example, you learn addition in the first grade.

    Then, in second grade, you learn addition again.

    And in the third grade, guess what you learn? Addition.

    To make progress and improve, you have to switch things up now and again. So, when you feel confident with a happiness skill or feel backsliding, see what else you need to learn and challenge yourself.

  • How to Get Unstuck and Be Happy for Good!

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    Why is it so hard to get unstuck and move forward in life?

    It’s like you’re standing at a fork in the road, unsure of which direction to take and there’s a huge tree blocking both paths. You know you must move down one or the other, but how will you climb over that tree? The path that leads to less stress and more happiness is right on the other side. Take steps to climb over the tree and risk taking the wrong path. The difficulty is feeling spent and burned out; you only want to get unstuck!

    The search for happiness seems a long way off when you’re trying to make choices that support you, but you’re still struggling to find the path. The key to breaking free from this cycle is to listen to your true self. This article gives you the key points to follow to get unstuck and be more authentic.

    What is Authenticity?

    Being authentic means that how you show up in your daily life is accurate with how you feel, think, and express yourself – this is your true self. You express your whole self genuinely rather than showing people only a particular side of yourself. That means being authentic requires you to know who your true self is. And this requires self-awareness, mindfulness, and self-acceptance. 

    Why Authenticity Matters to Get Unstuck

    We are constantly bombarded with media, family, co-workers and friends, who tell us who to be, what to want, and how we “should” be. These influences slowly chip away at our self-knowledge and confidence about our authentic selves.

    But when you are a problem for someone else, you tell yourself that who you are isn’t okay. People pleasing can take over and lead to suppressing who you are, leaving you feeling lonely and disconnected from others.

    How You Lose Your Authenticity

    We are constantly balancing inner and outer aspects of ourselves to fit in better, to become more successful, or to find love. We are driven to find “our place” in society and want to be respected for who we are and what we must contribute. Many high achievers are propelled even further and want to know how to live with purpose and deeper meaning, and they feel fulfilled when they become more authentic.

    But at the same time, we live in a society that values superficiality, strives for perfection, and defines success by the dollars in our bank account, not by how well we live our values daily. So how can we be authentic despite the messages that try to convince us to be someone else?

    Why Overcoming Inauthenticity Is So Hard

    We were molded as children by our parents, teachers, religion, peers, and society to “fit in” or match the version that they see. As a result, we develop beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that align with what we were taught. Sometimes, it matches our self-concept; other times, it doesn’t, leading to inauthenticity and the need to get unstuck.

    This version of ourselves can be considered the “Adaptive Self”—the self that prioritizes fitting in, getting along, and generally doing what we’re told. This self is not without value and purpose—it helps us be functioning members of society. The Adaptive Self might run your life and keep you stuck if you feel inauthentic.

    To reclaim your authenticity, you need to define your authentic self –

    • the self that prioritizes
    • living in alignment with your values,
    • pursuing your purpose and passions

    so you keep moving forward in your life.

    What does it mean to be authentic so you can get unstuck?

    Being authentic means being true to yourself and living in alignment with your values, passions, and purpose. It requires honesty, courage, and vulnerability. Being authentic makes you feel more confident, fulfilled, and empowered.

    Here is your pathway to step into more authenticity:

    Identify your values

    Your values are the principles and beliefs important to you and guidelines for how you live. They are a reflection of who you are because they are the foundation of your life. Take some time to identify what is most important to you in life. What matters most to you? Make a list of these values and prioritize them in your life.

    Identify your passions

    Your passions are the things that bring you joy and fulfillment. They reflect what excites you and brings energy into your life. Take some time to identify what activities, hobbies, or interests you enjoy. What brings you a sense of purpose or meaning? Make a list of these passions and prioritize them in your life.

    Take action on your values and passions.

    Once you have identified your values and passions, it’s time to start taking action. This can be uncomfortable, especially if it means making significant changes in your life. However, taking small steps toward your values and passions helps you integrate them into your life. The benefit is you’ll also build momentum and confidence as you do. For example, if you’ve always wanted to pursue a hobby, start by reading about it, taking a class, or joining a related group. Sometimes, this step-by-step process helps you “test the water” and make decisions.

    Let go of people-pleasing

    You might get stuck when you worry about the messages you receive from others about who they want you to be. However, being authentic means letting go of people-pleasing and living in alignment with what you need. This might mean saying no to things that don’t align with your values or passions. It can also mean setting boundaries with people who don’t support you.

    Practice self-reflection

    Self-reflection is essential to profoundly knowing yourself. Self-reflection examines your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to identify areas where you are out of alignment. Take time each day to reflect on your experiences and how they relate to your values and passions.

    Embrace vulnerability

    Being authentic requires vulnerability. It means being honest with yourself and others about who you are and what you want. This, too, can be uncomfortable, but it is also empowering. When you embrace vulnerability, you open yourself to deeper connections with yourself and those important to you, which often leads to a more fulfilling life.

    In sum, getting unstuck and authentic requires identifying your values and passions, taking action, letting go of people-pleasing, practicing self-reflection, and embracing vulnerability. You feel more confident, fulfilled, and empowered when you align with your true self. The antidote to both stuckness and lifelong happiness is authenticity!

  • 4 Ways to Love and Accept Yourself in Midlife

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    When you accept yourself, life gets better.

    How you do it is to confidently acknowledge that there’s so much about you that’s good. You also know you’re on the path of continuing to grow when you can accept your wonderfully imperfect self, too!

    Daily life is challenging, with unrealistic expectations of who you think you need to be. The media, social media, family, work and society try to shape you into the image of someone who measures up, even if you disagree.

    And yet,

    • trying to do a good job
    • be a good person
    • be valued by those who matter to you

    This is what’s essential in life.

    So, how do you get past negative self-talk, worry about not doing enough, and live up to unrealistic expectations?

    The path of acceptance is one of courage. It requires you to get clear about what you need, even when you aren’t sure to change your mind or make a mistake about what you want.

    Practicing self-compassion while you figure it out will help you stay on track.

    Here are four ways you can cultivate more self-acceptance. They are all interrelated, moving from what’s outside your control to within your control. As you follow the steps, you’ll clarify what you want and set goals that align with your values.

    No matter your age, culture, race, gender, or nationality, the media (and social media) often highlights the ideal. It can leave you feeling that you don’t measure up to the ideal and unattractive. Comparisons aren’t only for teens; they can happen to us regardless of age. Research has shown that the more media you consume with attractive people in it, the worse you feel about yourself. But it’s important to remember that the media reflects what we’re already thinking, and to get unstuck, it’s important to remember this. If your focus is appearance-based, you likely fall short because your brain is already oriented that way. If you see media for what it is—a show—then you can stop comparing yourself to unrealistic ideals and accept yourself.

    2. Limit negative self-talk.

    One of the ways you can better accept yourself is to challenge your negative self-talk. All of us have an inner monologue running all day long. If this self-talk is primarily negative, you’ll have difficulty feeling good about yourself. For example, many clients say things like, “I’m not attractive anymore,” “My life is a mess,” or “I didn’t work so hard for my life to be like this.” You can stop some painful thoughts by limiting your media and social media time, which can help prevent immediate adverse reactions.

    I haven’t met anyone whose life is entirely negative or positive for longer-term relief practice noticing when you have feelings of satisfaction when you laugh or even when you feel proud of yourself. When you recall pleasant memories – times when things have gone well, your brain gets a boost from recalling that experience. Remembering good times can open up a more optimistic frame of reference and help you get unstuck from negative thinking and accept yourself.

    3. Express yourself.

    What else stops you from accepting yourself? Mostly, we fear what other people might think about us if we show our true selves. For example, maybe your friends all have the same opinion about a political topic, so you decide not to share your different points of view. Maybe your friends have a particular view on healthy eating and exercise, so you choose not to talk about your opinions because you don’t want to have that conversation. Or maybe your friends enjoy sharing a meal at a fancy restaurant, so you decide not to invite them to your house for the cozy dinner you’d enjoy; even as adults, we often hold back because we’re afraid of how we’ll be judged.

    It’s human nature to want to show the best sides of ourselves. Holding back your opinions occasionally is a necessary part of life — in fact, it can help make our relationships a bit easier and more enjoyable. You don’t have to share everything with everyone all the time!

    However, self-expression is problematic when you edit yourself so much that people-pleasing is your default, and your unique perspective gets lost. The result? Few of the people in your life know who you are deep down. Maybe you even start to question who you are and what you believe. Another consequence is that the critical people in your life don’t have the opportunity to accept you as you are. Most importantly, you don’t allow yourself to accept yourself as you are, either.

    4. Celebrate your strengths.

    Sometimes, focusing on your weaknesses is more accessible than celebrating your strengths. This is especially true for “problem solvers.” Everyone has things they aren’t great at doing and that’s okay. But, when you focus on those things instead of focusing on what you’re good at, too, it leads to getting stuck. If you get down on yourself regularly for things, liking yourself as much as possible will be hard. So, celebrate your strengths and discover even more about yourself. Gaining a new or broader perspective usually helps you accept yourself more.

    In sum, when you accept yourself, life is more straightforward – that’s the bottom line! It’s a process to get there. And part of that process is building habits that support your well-being and personal growth – step by step. Habits that help you feel good and continue to grow and nurture yourself with compassion and accountability make the process easier.

    How will you begin the process of accepting yourself?

  • How to Fearlessly Live Your Core Values

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    Identify your core values and learn how to live by them to build greater happiness.

    Sometimes, you can go through life without paying much attention. Maybe you move from one thing to the next, playing on your phone, without considering whether your actions match what you believe is essential – core values. But when you go through life without following your values, you can lose yourself and your ability to generate real happiness.

    Want to identify what your core values are and learn how to live them? Keep reading…

    Identify Your Values

    When you identify your values, you design a life that better aligns with your true self. It’s important to remember that values differ for everyone—you are the only one who can identify your values.

    Think about the list of values below. Write down any of the values that feel right for you. Add any other values you find that aren’t on the list.

    Values List:

    AuthenticityAdventureBalanceBraveryCompassion
    ChallengeCitizenshipCommunityCreativityCuriosity
    DeterminationFairnessFreedomFriendshipsFun
    GenerosityGrowthGritHonestyIntegrity
    JusticeKindnessKnowledgeLeadershipLearning
    LoveLoyaltyOpennessOptimismRecognition
    ResponsibilitySecuritySelf-respectConnectionSpirituality
    StabilityStatusWealthWisdomWellness
    Short List of Core Values

    Next, note your three to five most important values. For each of these, write down three or more actions defining what it means to live by these values. For example, if you value loyalty, actions might include forgiving a friend for a betrayal, negotiating fair treatment at work to ensure your commitment to your employer, or choosing not to engage in extramarital affairs.

    Now, write down one thing you have done that does not reflect each of your top three to five values. For example, if you value fun, it’s a more action-oriented choice to take the time and effort to look for fun activities to pursue.

    Next, write down what you could do differently next time. Maybe instead of bracing for the worst, you could think about what might go right, what you might learn, or what cool things you must look forward to. This activity may teach you that you can live closer to your values.

    It might be hard to follow through. Maybe you need to –

    It’s easy to go with the flow, keep the peace and lose sight of your values. It’s much harder to live by our values and do what suits us in the long run.

    What if you haven’t been living your values?

    For one woman I know—a kind, intelligent, caring person—the rift between her values and actions became apparent when she left her boyfriend’s home to gain attention and physical satisfaction from other men. It was clear that her actions went against her values. So even though her actions made her feel good at the moment, she would go home feeling terrible each night.

    For another woman I know—a strong, giving, selfless person—the growing gap between her values and actions happened when she started working in her basement office until late to avoid her responsibilities at home. Never had she been the kind of person that couldn’t handle a challenge. Never had she been willing to ignore her kids. But in the middle of the pandemic, she was overwhelmed by constant needs at home and work, all happening simultaneously. She lost track of her ability to give and receive love – one of her highest values. It was only when she reminded herself that her family was the most important thing that she reached out for help and started living her values that she rebuilt her relationships and happiness.

    The good news and bad news are that we all hold different ones. The outcome will look different for each user who loses track of our values. Many of us never ask ourselves our values or what would happen if we weren’t living them; the result is feeling lost and not knowing what to do.

    By identifying what you need to do to live your values, you can become the person you want to be. And as it gets easier to love yourselves, you start to feel happier.

    Live Your Values

    When I did a value exercise early in my career, I discovered that kindness is one of my top values. I lived this value in many ways but had some significant gaps. For one, I could be critical of my supervisees, criticizing them for minor things without a kind word. I could tell you I acted this way because I have high expectations, but while that’s true, it was a rationalization–an excuse I gave myself to justify my behavior. The truth is that living your values is hard, and I wasn’t yet ready and, as a young professional, didn’t know how and felt ashamed to ask for help.

    I could tell myself I was being kind when being stern, even blunt. But one day, I realized I was making excuses and didn’t recognize myself anymore. I was not who I wanted to be, and behaving that way wasn’t comfortable. It seemed scary to be present when I wasn’t sure how to say what needed to be said. But I decided that I had to do it, and no matter how much I fumbled, I had to live my values and be more kind and accepting.

    For each of your core values, in the last exercise, ask yourself these three questions:

    1. Are there any people with whom you have difficulty living this value? Maybe your romantic partner, parent, sibling, coworker, or friend?
    2. Are there any situations that make it difficult for you to practice this value? Where are you, and what are you doing when you don’t practice these values? For example, maybe you’re at work, at home, out at a bar, on social media, in the car, or at the daycare center.
    3. Is there anything else that makes it difficult for you to live your values? For example, maybe you live your values at the start of the day, but by nighttime, they are a distant memory.

    Once you’ve identified what triggers you to veer away from your core values, it’s essential to identify how these experiences affect you in this way.

    Ask yourself what thoughts, feelings, or bodily sensations lead you to behave differently than you would like to. Also, ask if any people or situations lead you away from your values.

    The emotions that trigger you may be the same across all situations, or they may be different. Write down anything that you think might lead you away from your values. These emotions, thoughts, and associated bodily sensations are the foundation of what causes you to abandon your values. When we act in a way inconsistent with our values, we attempt to regulate or reduce our negative emotions, even temporarily. By acknowledging this and changing your habits, you can start to live by your values and improve your lives. Changing your life is never easy, but it’s always worth it.

  • How to Stop Stress Eating and Bingeing in 5 Steps

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    Stress eating and bingeing is pretzel logic.

    When you eat well most of the time, but something stressful happens, and your mind immediately turns to eating, the twists and turns of rationalizing it are short-lived. When stress eating and bingeing take hold of you, the fallout is tinged with guilt, shame, and regret. The big question is, how do you get out of the cycle?

    The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know. We feel it in a thousand things.​

    Blaise Pascal

    Stress eating makes sense; it’s just not logical. Human emotions are connected to conscious and unconscious memories, thoughts and perceptions. You have an experience, and your thoughts shape how you describe it. The unconscious memories aren’t language-based but are emotional and give a “felt sense” or vibe about situations. Stress eating is often the fuel for calm at any cost that’s difficult to understand and put into words.

    There’s a clash between what’s conscious (food choices that enhance health) and unconscious emotional stress (stress eating regardless of what you know) that can feel like a compulsion or addiction you’re powerless over.

    Stress eating calms your brain in the short term. 

    For many people, when stressed, eating often turns into a binge. Which ten results in feeling even more out of control. And then there’s even more guilt and shame to stress out about than the original stress that let you stress eating.

    You might spiral from fries and a soda for lunch to cupcakes for an afternoon snack, a fancy coffee, or an energy drink mid-afternoon when the blood sugar crash hits hard and you’re getting sleepy.

    Since you’re already “off the wagon,” the day worsens when you stop by your favorite fast-food place on the way home. You’ve hit the point of no return and it’s just you and food tonight.

    Maybe tomorrow will be better.

    The food coma is approaching fast.

    When you add it all up, the guilt, shame, and disappointment in yourself can be overwhelming. The solution is – once again, to start a new diet to get back in control. This is the pretzel logic that leads right back to more stress eating!

    When guilt, shame, and disappointment lead to counting calories, cutting out food groups, resistance, and feeling good about yourself, it will never happen!

    Dieting doesn’t work that way.

    But does it help you to stop stress eating and bingeing?

    I would guess your answer is no; it just makes trying the same old solution worse without a different outcome.

    You probably find that your feelings for yourself aren’t generous or kind. Sadness and frustration make it challenging to see other options.

    For the people I work with, the feelings after stress eating can be more hurtful than eating the food.

    Stress eating is like putting a band-aid on your car after an accident.

    Even though an accident and care are needed, the band-aid will not fix the problem.

    Counting calories is a way to set boundaries for yourself; no matter how much this solution makes things worse, it’s essential to acknowledge the goal. Boundaries can be helpful and kind when they are thoughtful and lead to better outcomes.

    You want to feel more in control than the food controlling you.

    How much of your day is spent tracking and making decisions about what you can or can’t eat based on the data collected on your phone app?

    You can transform your relationship with food from external control (calorie counting/apps) to internal control (developing a trusting relationship with yourself and your body). Keep reading and I’ll teach you how!

    The battle needs to shift from fighting with food for control to working with your needs and taking good care of yourself.

    Battles are externally driven. The focus is on what you’re doing wrong and how you can wrestle control from the stress of eating and bingeing.

    Taking care of your needs is a fundamental shift in the metaphor. It’s the thing that got you into this situation in the first place. Focusing on food to meet your emotional needs leads to emotional eating.

    When you first stop dieting for control, it can seem like you’ll stop paying attention to your health, or you’ll thoughtlessly eat whatever, whenever, however.

    But that’s not the way a healthy relationship with yourself works. A respectful relationship does not allow hurtful, destructive situations to continue in the name of love. That’s the opposite of health.

    Loving limits develop from your awareness of what you need and support you in mind, body, and heart.

    Transforming your relationship with yourself and food is a permanent fix. It’s one of those situations where you get to a point where it’s impossible not to listen with self-compassion and clarity about your needs anymore. That’s when stress eating and bingeing isn’t a problem anymore.

    Here are five things to do instead of stress eating:

    1. Track your feelings.

    If you’re not ready to let go of tracking, write down what you’ve eaten and feeling instead of tracking calories. This will give you much more helpful information.

    It’s the beginning point of developing a supportive relationship. Knowing what you think about what you’ve eaten and how you feel physically and emotionally after your meal or snack will give you information you can use the next time you think a similar way.

    If you’re not ready to let go of tracking, write down what you’ve eaten and feeling instead of tracking calories. This will give you much more helpful information.

    It’s the beginning point of developing a supportive relationship. Knowing what you think about what you’ve eaten and how you feel physically and emotionally after your meal or snack will give you information you can use the next time you think a similar way.

    2. Stop making judgments.

    A judgmental attitude leads to black-and-white thinking.

    There’s a mini court of law in your head with a conviction and you’re the guilty party. Sentencing is quickly handed out. There is no appeals process.

    The judgment is you’re mistaken, or the food you enjoyed is terrible, and dieting is good. It’s that fundamental. But life is filled with nuance and transforming judgment into curiosity leads to possibilities.

    Curiosity gives you space to think about a situation from all sides, identify how you feel and determine what you need to do for yourself. It takes time and care and you’re more than worth the effort.

    3. Plan your meals instead of leaving it up to whatever!

    When you know what you will eat for each meal, you take the guesswork out of leaving your meals up to chance.

    When you know what you’re having for lunch or dinner, you will feel more in control because you are making choices for yourself – the ultimate control.

    Be sure to eat meals you enjoy and provide the nutrition your body needs to run well.

    I can’t stress this enough: planning meals without some measure of pleasure will lead you to avoid them. Make sure you look forward to your meal by giving yourself a pause in the day to enjoy yourself (even better if you eat with someone interesting).

    4. Make sure you get enough sleep.

    Your body will look for quick energy when you drag through the day because you’re tired.

    Your ability to make clear choices for yourself will be significantly diminished. You’ll find yourself making impulsive decisions you aren’t comfortable with in the long run.

    The urge to count calories and feel back in control may be even stronger, and the cycle starts all over again.

    Rest is essential to feeling good, having the mental and physical energy, and making choices to fuel your life.

    5. Decide what type of relationship you want to have with your body.

    It’s like learning to swim. Eventually, you let go of the wall and trust that you have learned how to tread water in the pool’s deep end.

    You’re a little unsure, so you stay within arm’s reach. As your confidence grows, you move further away from the wall. It gets more accessible, but it’s also tiring.

    You only have so much strength for one day. As you practice, you get stronger and more confident, and before you know it, you’re swimming like a mermaid! 

    This is the same thing that happens when breaking free from stress eating. It’s difficult to trust yourself; as you do, the trust in yourself will grow, and you will find yourself redefining your relationship with food, your body, and yourself.

    In sum, transforming your relationship with yourself is one of the most positive things you can do. You can learn to treat yourself with kindness and self-compassion while setting limits that are a natural extension of a conscious relationship with yourself.

  • 10 Mantras to Unlock Food Obsessions When You’re Really Stressed

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    Sometimes, we all get stuck listening to that little nagging voice that leads to stress eating. Mantras to unlock food obsessions help with the voice that says:

    • lure you into quick relief that stress eating brings
    • distract you from what you need
    • question your wise inner voice
    • doubt your self-knowledge
    • instill a lack of trust in yourself

    The thoughts above often happen when stress or emotional eating is the only go-to stress management option. So, many of my clients believe they need more willpower and discipline. This is the exact thing that causes the most stress!

    Willpower might help in the short term, but what’s stressing you out is that it’s not going away until you get to the heart of the matter and this is when mantras can help.

    What if you change the conversation, you have with yourself, would it help you take care of yourself in a more supportive way?

    Maybe it’s not willpower or forcing yourself to do something that you don’t want to do, but instead, it’s the power of choice that makes the difference. A mantra helps bring more self-compassion and accountability to create sustainable change.

    How to Stop Stress Eating Right Now

    If your goal is to transform how you deal with stress and stress eating, it’s great to have a positive, growth-oriented alternative to counteract your brain’s automatic response to calming stress with eating.

    What’s great about this approach is that when you take a different action, your brain-based habits change, and you create a new “normal.” Even though it takes time and focused attention, you can change your brain anytime. And it usually happens much more quickly than most people think it will.

    A simple mantra is one way to respond to your stressed-out brain that calms stress and gets you into a growth mindset. Mantras that unlock food obsessions can lead you away from stress eating so that you can make clear choices about your needs.

    Mantras are old-fashioned coping skills that’ve been around for so long because they work!

    It’s nearly impossible to separate thoughts, feelings, perceptions, potential future scenarios, etc. When stress eating or emotional eating enters the picture, the feelings are often mixed.

    Finding your way out of a negative thought is easier when you have something you can do with it. And when you transform negative thoughts, they lead you to conscious eating. Being present in the moment, calming your stressed brain with compassion, and gaining clarity to make choices that matter is what makes the difference.

    Using a mantra to help you shift your thoughts is one of the handiest, always-at-the-ready strategies to calm, soothe and refocus your brain where you want it to be.

    The best mantras are those you can easily remember, so you’ll come back to a mantra when you need one without wasting time figuring it out when you’re already stressed.

    Mantras that unlock food obsessions are concise and move you toward what you want.

    Stress eating will never satisfy an unmet need.

    Conscious eating is a dynamic, active process. Being a conscious eater means making choices in the present moment paying attention to your emotional state and your need for nourishment.

    As a more natural-conscious eater, you don’t need to think about willpower! You’ll need fewer and fewer reminders to pay attention and be aware of your motivations to eat. It’s like eating when you were young; it was a natural process. You ate when you were hungry most of the time and stopped when you were full and this happened even if you were eating for pleasure. It wasn’t filled with the ulterior motive to calm stress.

    And, even if your experience was different when you were young, you can always learn to be a conscious eater!

    You may find that your preferences change when you get a chance to slow down and figure out what you need.

    Many clients say they’ve been eating out of habit and not enjoying it.

    You may even find that you use a mantra you like best, which comes back to you naturally as an affirmation of your commitment to yourself and your health.

    Creating a supportive, nourishing relationship will naturally grow your skill set for good and challenging times.

    Why use mantras to unlock food obsessions?

    Conscious eating gives you an alternative to stress eating, emotional eating and dieting. A mantra is one tool to support you in building a kind and compassionate relationship with yourself.

    As you become less stressed, your need for stress eating diminishes. You’ll find that you take a stand for yourself. Most of all, you become the leader in your life and nurture yourself with compassion and accountability.

    Here are ten mantras that unlock food obsessions you can use as they are or as a starting point to create one of your own!

    1. May I achieve my goals with love, kindness, and peace?

    2. May my relationship with my body be grounded in compassion.

    3. I am conscious and compassionate with food, one meal at a time.

    4. May I experience nourishment in my life.

    5. I listen to my mind, body, and heart and receive what I need in my life.

    6. Change requires my time and attention; my reward is contentment.

    7. May I be patient with myself and experience self-compassion.

    8. I’m cultivating a peaceful relationship with my body.

    9. When I move my body, I experience life and grow my awareness.

    10. I nourish my mind, body and heart with a kind and loving heart.

    Changing any habit takes a bit of time and effort. The mind never stops thinking, so when you give it something to do, you control where it goes. Conscious, mindful effort changes your life and leads you to your desired fulfilling lifestyle.

    If you know someone who might benefit from this post, pass it along – share it through email or on social media!

  • How to Focus When You’re Spent and Overwhelmed

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    We all fall into habits we would rather not repeat, but when they leave you feeling spent and overwhelmed, they’re difficult to avoid.

    “Take control of your habits. Take control of your life.”  — Anonymous

    It’s easy – habits are the shortcuts of life.

    In my house, there’s a habit of pulling the clothes out of the dryer and onto the laundry room floor to grab the one thing that’s needed quickly.

    It’s been my responsibility since I started it!

    When I was recovering from cancer treatment and so incredibly tired with two young children, this is what happened most of the time. It was like I treated the space as one big chaotic closet.

    Overwhelming!

    And yet, the bright side was that at least we had clean clothes, if not a little wrinkled!

    Habits help you to know what to expect, even when it’s something you don’t want.

    We do this in all areas of our lives.

    Most of our relationships run on some form of habit. We create patterns that help us predict what’s next, so we’re less stressed with new dynamics.

    I’m sure you’ve experienced those times when you know how your partner or co-worker will react.

    When they do what they usually do, you say to yourself, ‘I kind of thought it would go that way.’

    We do this with ourselves, too – all the time! And it’s a big part of what leads to overwhelm and exhaustion. When the habit is a thought or expectation that things are the way they are, it can quickly lead to feeling overwhelmed.

    Thought habits are also some of the most exhausting habits to change.

    How often have you told yourself you’ll change the habit, and there you are again, like on autopilot, at it?

    Even when you don’t want the habit, it takes less effort and energy to change it to something more helpful.

    Aligned Positive Self Talk Relieves Overwhelm

    When one of my new coaching clients begins their journey to work-life balance, one of their top goals is to be less critical, especially of their selves.

    Most of the time, this shows up in how they speak to themselves.

    Often, what helps the most isn’t simply replacing the negative thought with a positive one. Instead, a recalibration to shift the energy from overwhelm to alignment is what makes a sustainable change.

    It’s also important to acknowledge that there are specific points in the year when we have more to do. Sometimes, being overwhelmed doesn’t start with emotional stress. It begins with the sheer volume of tasks in a short time.

    For parents with school-age children, September and May are typically very busy with many extra commitments as the school year begins and ends. And as always, there’s the holiday season with work, school, social and religious commitments. These months of the year are a little different, but the same focus skill helps prioritize competing needs.

    During the busy months, it’s helpful to go into them with a recalibration plan based on your need for alignment – to live in harmony with your goals and values.

    So, how do you make this happen? Real change happens when you focus on changing how you talk to yourself in your own head.

    Thought Habits Help You Focus

    This is because most of the thoughts are habits.

    They’re locked inside, never spoken, so you don’t have the opportunity to challenge them.

    Here are some examples from real life…

    Take a joint statement: many women say a lot,

    ‘I’m going to be good and pass on dessert.’

    You’ve probably heard this from when you were little, or maybe you even say it now!

    The message becomes ingrained that eating dessert is somehow tied to morality.

    The implication is that you’re a bad person if you eat dessert.

    At best, it says you lack strength and willpower if you indulge.

    Avoiding dessert becomes a habit; be good and don’t eat it. (Does this also make a statement about women who enjoy sensual pleasures? Hmmm…)

    If you break the habit and eat dessert, a cascade of guilt and shame begins — the next default habit – an expectation of judgment and more guilt that reinforces the judgment.

    Changing this habit is possible with an intentional process that cuts through all expectations. When you’re enjoying dessert and focused on non-judgment, you’re building a new perspective. A new habit is born and it replaces the overwhelming habit of food guilt as you focus on the process and repeat the new habit.

    Non-judgmental Focus

    A non-judgmental focus helps to change overwhelming habits with aligned ways of thinking.

    Creating and using alternative statements you have ready helps you focus on what you want – freedom from being overwhelmed. Moving toward what you wish is infinitely easier than pushing back against what you don’t want.

    Here’s an example of what I mean using the dessert example:

    ‘I’m bad if I eat dessert’ becomes –

    ‘Food doesn’t hold moral value, only nutritional value. I can choose to eat dessert or not and am morally the same person no matter my choice.’

    Or it could also be one of these statements,

    ‘I’m experiencing one of the simple pleasures in life!’

    ‘I’m satisfied and not interested in dessert right now.’

    These are just a few statements to get you started. Practicing one of these statements and adding more of your own gives you something to use when needed, so you’re prepared.

    Self Leadership

    Trying to devise supportive alternatives to your habits when you’re overwhelmed is like asking yourself for a magic wand. It’s so far beyond what’s possible that it’s a sure setup for even more overwhelm. But what does help is to practice these statements and add more of your own so you’re ready.

    I know I just said that twice because my experience is that we think we’ll remember, but we don’t!

    Practice makes progress, as my kid’s teachers say!

    I hope that this way of being with yourself becomes so much of a habit supporting your happiness that it becomes automatic.

    After all, the relationship you have with yourself is the one that matters the most. When you align with what you want and need, you can use your felt experience as the information you need to shift your perspective and focus on what matters.

    And, if you’re like most of us, you’ll most likely experience a bit of overwhelm occasionally. The difference is acknowledging it when it’s low so you can more easily identify what you need and move toward it.

    The focus might seem like it’s confining, but what it does is keep you on track, so you receive what you truly want. The snowball effect begins to take hold when you receive what you want. It’s most likely what you need for a fulfilling life as well.

    Conclusion

    My challenge to you is to look at your week and, with compassion in your heart, answer this question:

    ‘What will fill my life with calm and clarity today?’

    Remember, focus is an investment in your future self. It gives you a rich awareness of how to own your life and lead yourself to a life filled with fulfillment and intention.

    I can’t wait for you to experience the peace and fulfillment you desire!

  • How to Think Positively With The Golden Rule of Self-Care

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    Life changes when you think positively and treat yourself with love, compassion, and respect. The Golden Rule of Self-Care is a great way to know what to do and when so you stay on track.

    The Golden Rule of Self-Care is all about starting at the beginning – with you. Your relationship with yourself is built on your emotional well-being and how you communicate. Following the self-care steps below can lead to emotional mastery and positive thinking.

    A great relationship is based on being well treated, even when it’s your relationship with yourself. An exchange of goodwill, respect, and kindness starts within your heart.

    When you love and respect yourself, it’s tough to shut down feeling empathy for others or to treat others disrespectfully.

    And the opposite is also true.

    Starting from a place of self-loathing, it is easy to view the world as a hostile and threatening place to live.

    No matter how you slice it, it all starts with you and your relationship with yourself.

    Quieting self-criticism that rumbles around in your head is challenging in the beginning. Negative thinking from self-criticism, pessimism about the future, and everyday problems with others cloud your viewpoint. When this happens, It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking, making it nearly impossible to think positively.

    But it doesn’t have to be this way.

    Adopting a growth mindset requires you to increase your self-awareness and take action. As you practice, it gets easier and becomes your natural way of doing things. Your skill level increases and you feel better when you make choices that move your life into greater well-being

    3 Parts of the Golden Rule of Self-Care

    Hear no evil – limiting what you pay attention to and allow into your world.

    See no evil – mindset shifts from seeing what’s missing to seeing the fullness of life.

    Speak no evil – how you use language with yourself in your internal running monolog and with others.

    Golden Rule of Self-Care #1 – Hear No Evil

    Each person can sift through the millions of data coming at them at any given time. One of the “easiest” ways to do this is to limit the amount of negative information you’re exposed to daily.

    But, sometimes, this can’t be helped…

    Unhappy coworkers who vent, a perfectionist boss always wanting more, angry-obnoxious neighbors, a family member who drinks too much, a teacher who doesn’t want to teach, etc. The list is endless, without mentioning the news, wars, politics of hate, etc., or social media criticisms and comparisons that grab your attention.

    The Golden Rule of Self-Care – emotional mastery results in thinking positively.

    Since no one can escape or ignore, as enticing as that may sound, it is possible to filter out the negativity. You can increase your awareness to be choosier about what you allow into your internal world.

    Your level of emotional mastery supports you in making choices. If you tend to “overdo it” with stress, eating, exercise, drinking, working, etc., the craving for relief can be overwhelming. And the cycle keeps repeating because it’s not a solution. When stress levels rise again, so will the old coping skills, even when you don’t want them.

    Here are three things you can do right now to stop listening:

    1. Commit to not participating in negative conversations. Sometimes, what’s not spoken or commented on speaks for you. Remaining neutral is often a good place to be. You don’t always have to take a position or choose a side.

    2. The ongoing conversation with yourself is usually the toughest for most people. The challenge is practicing patience with yourself. When a problematic thought comes, acknowledge it and practice letting it flow through you without getting stuck. If it gets stuck, give it a gentle nudge, and again, with neutrality in mind, shift your focus to peace. Most of my coaching clients practice this a lot. Consistency is key.

    3. Change the subject if you’re talking with someone else. It’s easy to get on the critical bandwagon and beat that drum. It’s often much nicer to walk beside the wagon, listen, let the other person vent and know that their feelings are theirs to manage. You don’t need to relieve or take on another’s struggle. You may need to change the subject gently, or at times, you may need to directly state that you don’t want to talk about it, it’s not your place or concern, etc. Both are okay. Being kind to the other person and yourself means not engaging in unproductive conversations that keep you stuck.

    Golden Rule of Self-Care #2 – See No Evil

    It is tough when you get stuck in a rut of doubt, fear, and hopelessness.

    The way out is to follow the Golden Rule of Self-Care and allow yourself to see the fullness of life. There’s much goodness, hope, and joy in life, as well as pain. Our lives are both – positive and negative – and what we do with those experiences makes a difference.

    Is the glass half empty or full? Maybe neither. Sometimes, when you’re thirsty and there’s water in the glass, it’s a great moment. Perhaps if you’re thirsty and it’s empty, that’s okay too because you know that you can seek out refreshing water and fill your glass.

    A growth mindset is like this and you start seeing the world from the viewpoint of possibilities. You have options and choices. Yes, we all experience problems in our lives; some of them are huge, and at the same time, we also have a lot of outstanding experiences.

    Quick fixes, like any of the popular quick weight loss diets, lead down the path of “all of the bad things in life will be gone once you get back into your high school jeans!”

    How do we, intelligent women, fall for this? It’s just so alluring. It’s a little pain for a lot of gains. Most of us who have fallen for this illusion know just how short-lived the gain is

    Long-lasting change is not a quick fix.

    Since no one can escape or ignore, as enticing as that may sound, it is possible to filter out the negativity. You can increase your awareness to be choosier about what you allow into your internal world.

    Emotional mastery supports you in making those choices so you can think positively with self-compassion. If you tend to “overdo it” with stress, eating, exercise, drinking, working, etc., the relief you crave is about shifting the negative thoughts that keep rolling over and over in your mind. And the cycle keeps repeating because it’s not a solution. When stress levels rise again, so will the coping skills, even when you don’t want them to.

    Three things you can do right now to practice a growth mindset

    1. Focus on your health and wellness. Shift out of thinking, “Not this, I can’t, that’s bad.” Instead, think about moving toward what you want and what you are creating in your life. It takes much more energy to repel yourself than to move toward what you want.

    2. Create a mantra that is meaningful and quick for you to repeat. Develop a mantra you can repeat when it’s difficult to stop thinking about what’s wrong. This happens to all of us. It will take extra effort. And it will get easier with practice.

    3. Remind yourself you’re in this for the long term. You are transforming your relationship with yourself. You are worthy of compassion to learn as you go, make changes, be curious, and take good care of yourself. The reward is the lasting change that frees you from negative thinking and gives you choices for the rest of your life.

    Golden Rule of Self-Care #3 – Speak No Evil

    How you talk to yourself is an excellent way to gauge your mindset. It is a window into your experience of the world around you and your expectations of it.

    It only takes a fraction of the time for you to consider what process your experience into language and make a judgment about it. Language shapes how we think about things. Communication is also two ways, even within our being.

    Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you can have. You also have all of the things you need to transform your way of thinking.

    The vision of what you want your life to be, based on the Golden Rule of Self-Care, is something you can change today. And the good thing is that starting where you are right now is the perfect time and place. Start where you are and shift when needed. There’s no big reveal – it’s just you living your life.

    Do you ever notice that people who complain, find faults, and sit in judgment tend to gravitate toward each other – usually without offering to help or being part of the solution?

    Thoughts can be like this, too. You get one negative thought, and it’s easy to build on it.

    The opposite is also true. People would much rather be around consciously grounded people. People who don’t shy away from problems but actively try to be part of the solution. You can do this with yourself, too. Build positive thoughts and the experiences will follow.

    This includes your relationship with yourself, too!

    You will have a much better experience making the changes you desire when you can overcome the fear and disappointment and shift into patiently transforming your relationship with stress, your body, and your heart. Practice setting the tone. Let the words you say to yourself be encouraging and growth-focused.

    Plan for your success. Take care of yourself and prepare for your day. Have an idea of what you would like to create for yourself. Have a backup plan for when life goes differently and flexibility is needed.

    Changes made slowly over time allow you to integrate what you need and let go of what you don’t. You can communicate with kindness even when you’re frustrated or angry. If you know your needs, you will better master your impulses and reactions.

    Three ways to communicate with more kindness.

    1. Set the tone for growth with your internal conversations. The most important person to focus your flexibility on first is yourself; all the other relationships will also flow with kindness.

      2. Give yourself patience. There isn’t any deadline for when you need to be fully conscious. It’s a process of becoming more and more aware.

      3. Allow yourself to accept the good things in life with grace and gratitude, no matter how small. Know that challenges will be clarified, and you’ll move forward with momentum.

      Conclusion

      The Golden Rule of Self-Care is your relationship with yourself and daily interactions with everyone else. Kindness, respect and loving yourself in the basic sense of each word are the foundation for transforming your relationship with stress and creating a fulfilling life you enjoy.