Month: July 2023

  • 5 Ways to Stop Overthinking – Be in The Present Moment

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    Has anyone ever told you to stop overthinking things?

    I know that I’ve heard it a few thousand times! That might be an exaggeration, but probably not! In this article, you’ll learn five simple steps that I take to stop overthinking and be present.

    You’ll know if you’re overthinking when you experience repetitive and unproductive thoughts – like your mind is on a merry-go-round that keeps circling around and around. The challenge is that overthinking keeps you focused on one thing. That one thing is usually what you’re unsure about, and at the same time, you’re invested in a particular outcome – that you can’t control.

    Since thoughts are focused in many different ways, the research has generally distinguished between rumination, which is focused on the past, and worry, which is focused on the future. No matter which word you use, overthinking tends to loop around the same thought, and there isn’t a resolution to what you’re overthinking. The overthinking loop keeps the cycle of thoughts running in your mind.

    One of the most frustrating things about overthinking is that it doesn’t get you any further and is generally not helpful. An excellent way to know if you’re overthinking is when you recognize that you are stuck thinking about the same thing repeatedly, but your thinking doesn’t lead to a solution.

    Overthinking tends to follow a pattern.

    Re-evaluating the past

    Rumination is the term often used by researchers, including repetitive thoughts about the past. Regrets (feeling wrong about an event or missed opportunity) and resentments (anger about an experience) also fit within this area. Many people are disappointed that they didn’t pursue a different path in life or are angry about how they were treated in a relationship. But I often hear in my practice when clients keep thinking about something they said. It might be second guessing how a comment might be perceived or judging themselves about a comment and feeling embarrassed about it. No matter what you’re overthinking about the past, the truth is that it’s not helping you to be present or confidently move toward your future.

    Be in the present moment.

    Does overthinking lead to being stuck today? Many people overthink the present, feeling like they’re in quicksand. You could question your choices and how they led to your current life circumstances, relationships, or work. Typically, this results in more stress and feeling less fulfilled in life.

    Your relationship with yourself is based on your thoughts about yourself, your life and the people in the present moment. Do you let yourself experience your life positively or overthink and focus on perceived flaws and mistakes? If so, this is an opportunity to reassess where you are in the present moment so that you can choose your next steps.

    Controlling the future

    Overthinking your future is what’s usually described as worry. Worry can be either short-term or long-term. Short-term worry is something like not waking up when your alarm goes off two hours early to catch a flight or text anxiety – did I study enough or even the correct material? Long-term worries might be, will I have enough money and be healthy enough to enjoy my retirement?

    Overthinking signals a problem

    When overthinking happens, it’s a signal that there’s a problem and you don’t yet know how to solve it. You might have thoughts –

    • I’m not happy with my career. Is it the job or me?
    • Is my partner my soulmate or is a soulmate even a real thing?
    • Is there a way for me to feel confident about my finances?

    While these are great questions to ask yourself, overthinking clouds or preventing you from making decisions that lead to answers, van Randenborgh and colleagues (2010) found that rumination- replaying thoughts from the past- negatively affects decision-making. Participants in their study found making decisions more difficult and feeling less confident in the decisions they made.

    Research has found that negative thinking is strongly associated with overthinking. Another study found that future-focused worry is associated with increased anxiety and thinking ability. Lastly, research suggests that changing overthinking that leads to worry can reduce anxiety since they are interrelated.

    How to Stop Overthinking

    1. Relaxation techniques

    Not only can overthinking increase stress and anxiety, but it can work in reverse – anxiety can lead to increased worry – it’s a bi-directional vicious cycle. A powerful way to interrupt the cycle is to use relaxation techniques. There are many relaxation techniques you can use. One way to relax is by engaging in physical activity like working out, walking, or practicing yoga. Another type of relaxation engages your mind and body, like taking deep breaths, practicing meditation, or guided imagery.

    Then, there is relaxation, which helps you shift from overthinking to being in the present moment. These techniques could be reading a good book, watching an enjoyable moving, spending time outside, talking with a neighbor, friend, or family member journaling and the list could go on and on. When you notice that you’ve thought about the same thing more than once and it’s leading you to overthink that’s the time to stop, plan some relaxation time and shift your thinking.

    2. Get some distance

    Sometimes it’s good to put a little space between you and what’s on your mind. Mindfulness lets you step back from your thoughts and consider where you want to go. The ability to take an objective viewpoint of your thoughts is vital to stop overthinking them. When you overthink, you can become consumed by the issue you’re focusing on and lose perspective. When you realize that’s what’s happening, it’s helpful to future pace which is asking yourself, “Will this be important to me in a year, five years?”

    3. Challenge yourself

    When you challenge yourself, holding yourself accountable is more straightforward, so you can make changes as needed. Ask yourself, “Are these thoughts helpful to me?” When you have more awareness of overthinking, you can put it into perspective and choose how you’ll respond. A lot of the time overthinking is a way to pause taking action. We all have coping mechanisms, no matter how unhelpful they might be. Sometimes overthinking is a way to press the pause button and give yourself some space. Challenging yourself is one way to break through the overthinking noise and take action.

    4. Fact or fiction?

    Have you heard the phrase, “Thoughts are not facts?” But we all know that, at times, it can feel like they are stone-cold facts. Sometimes it’s helpful to remember exceptions. It’s human nature to make mistakes or deviate from a habit. Looking for exceptions is helpful when you realize that your thoughts aren’t helpful or reflect your reality. Sometimes reminding yourself that very few things are “always” one way or another can free you from overthinking.

    5. Spend time with a pet

    Most pets don’t seem to experience stress as humans do. They don’t think overthink about or are embarrassed by their behavior. They can show us how to live and enjoy the present moment!

    Conclusion

    Overthinking is not only unhelpful, but it can also actively harm your well-being by increasing stress, anxiety and negative emotional states. When you understand how overthinking functions in your life and how to stop it with the stress management skills above you have what you need to break free from the patterns that hold you back from living a fulfilling life!

  • 3 Steps to Stop Struggling with Stress Eating Right Now

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    blog post title graphic with purple modern flowers on a beige background that says, 3 Steps to stop struggling with stress eating right now powerfulcalm.com

    Struggling with stress eating may go something like this…

    If I could…

    …find the right way to eat, I won’t have cravings.

    …gain some more willpower, I would be stronger and I could resist my urges.

    …detox from addictive/sugary foods, I would be free.

    …stick with something long enough for it to take.

    … get to the bottom of why I struggle with stress eating; I wouldn’t have a food problem.

    What’s so wrong with this way of thinking?

    These all seem reasonable if you buy into a diet mentality that focuses on food being the problem.

    But when we’re working on healing stress eating from the viewpoint of Conscious Eating, it’s a whole other world out there!

    Fortunately, it’s a world of helpful information, growth-oriented and focused on healing your relationship with yourself, food and your body.

    Struggling with stress, eating isn’t about food.

    The struggle with eating stress begins with a shift from focusing on food. Instead, developing a richer awareness of your emotions, what to do with them, and how to calm your mind and body is the pathway to long-term change, so you no longer need stress eating.

    You probably have a pretty good idea about what “healthy” eating is. Since you’re reading this online, you can access great nutritional information from various sources here and here.

    The old way of thinking is that you’ll have more control if you get the nutrition right, but it doesn’t work like that. It’s an illusion that information instills motivation. The illusion leads to a belief that you’ll stop struggling with stress eating by changing what you eat.

    Relationships are complicated

    If it were this easy, you would have accomplished this already. Relationships are complicated and your relationship with food and stress are both multi-layered. And when you combine the two, the layering is doubled!

    The problem is that making sense of emotional experiences and translating them into language or feelings is sometimes complicated. But, when it’s challenging to make sense of the feeling quickly, this is when struggling with stress eating happens. Stress eating is calming and when you can think of it as one way to calm yourself, it can help to relieve some of the shame, guilt, or regret about it so that you can explore other ways to calm and feel better without mindlessly stress eating.

    A lot of the time, getting specific about how you feel helps. On the surface – ‘I’m mad or angry’ states your thoughts. But, to prevent stress eating, you’ll need to put a finer point on it like, ‘I’m feeling frustrated and disappointed that my thoughts and feelings aren’t being acknowledged and taken into account when a decision is made.

    That level of emotional awareness requires a different type of response than one that is ‘anger.’ It requires you to take some time for you to focus on your needs. When you assess what you need, consider the best choice so your stress level decreases and you probably won’t be thinking about food too much.

    If your attention does shift to food, it could be for comfort, distraction, habit, etc. That’s okay since now you know what you need and can choose to eat.

    You can assess your hunger or fullness.

    You can consciously assess if you want to eat, consider how you might feel, and if it will help you. You can choose whether it’s what you want or if something else feels better.

    The good news is that these are all decisions you consciously make, one feeling at a time.

    This increased knowledge or awareness is at the heart of struggling with stress eating.

    When you develop the skills to calm your stress reactions, you also interrupt the cycle of stress eating. As you learn more about your internal reactions and how to calm them, you’ll be well on your way, no longer struggling with stress eating.

    Emotional awareness is the antidote to struggling with emotional eating.

    Emotions can feel overwhelming, but let’s break it down into more manageable parts.

    How do you create the emotional space between yourself and food so you can figure out what you need?

    The key to emotional mastery is learning the skills for greater emotional awareness to reduce your stress and prevent any struggle with stress eating before it starts.

    Three ways to change your relationship with stress and stop struggling with stress eating.

    1. Reconnect with your sense of calm.

    There’s a part of you, no matter how small or how long it’s been since you’ve experienced it, that can feel a sense of calm. At least once a day, create some space to be quiet and notice how you feel when there isn’t anything pressing happening. The idea is to create a restful, calm sense of self.

    Creating a restful place inside yourself is a process. No one is perfect and sometimes tapping into your calm place is more manageable than at other times.

    Calming yourself is a skill that you can learn at any time in life and it gets easier with practice.

    The goal is to give your mind and heart a little space so you can increase your emotional awareness.

    2. Identify the feeling that most frequently leads to stress eating.

    The next step is to identify the feeling or feelings you experience before struggling with stress eating.

    When you identify your feelings, you’ll most likely think of general feelings like, mad, sad and angry, which is a good starting point.

    Now that you’ve identified the general feeling, you can spend a little time breaking it down into smaller parts and maybe thinking about the feeling from different aspects of the feeling as you fine-tune how you feel.

    One tool many of my coaching clients use is looking up alternative words in a thesaurus.

    Use the thesaurus to increase your emotional vocabulary and try on, so to speak, some of the feelings. Look up the dictionary definition and see if it fits how you feel. You might even find different words as you do a little investigation into your feelings.

    The more specific the feeling, the closer you get to taking care of your emotions and struggling with stress eating less.

    This part of the process can also be a relief and fun. Knowing how to describe your feelings is very accessible since it helps you understand what to do to feel better. It gives you direction for improving your relationship with yourself.

    3. Develop your emotional mastery plan

    Changing how you take care of yourself, struggling with stress and identifying and managing your emotions is life-changing. When you have options about how you respond to your emotions, true freedom dissolves stress.

    You are in control, not vague and confusing feelings that lead to stress eating. The result is that you’re back in control and struggling with stress eating isn’t an issue.

    A plan for identifying your feelings can look like this:

    1. Acknowledge the discomfort you feel.
    2. Take a deep breath and give yourself some space. If it’s not an emergency, you don’t need to treat it like one; you have time.
    3. Identify whether you are hungry, tired, or thirsty. If it’s not physical, then…
    4. Identify what you feel uncomfortable about – work, home, or your relationship with yourself.
    5. What is the “big” overall feeling? This feeling could be the overall summary of how you’re feeling.
    6. You can then break it down into more minor, nuanced feelings and see if something more specific fits.
    7. Think about what you need and what type of self-care will help you move forward and take action for your well-being.
    8. Ask yourself if you need to open up to more possibilities.
    9. Is a conversation with someone needed?
    10. Do you need to use a different set of skills when the feeling comes around again?

    As you read this in the protocol, it’s a linear, step-by-step list. But as we know emotions aren’t that structured at all! They are messy and confusing and may feel very strong one instant and then morph into something else a few minutes later.

    Conclusion

    Identifying your feelings is often one of mulling things over time. You can come back to it when you realize another aspect later.

    As you work on your emotional mastery, your ability to name and calm your emotions will get easier, faster and much less stressful.

  • 4 Simple Steps to Live More Simply and Savor Life

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    Do you want to live more simply and savor life in ways that are right for you?

    Read on to find out how you can simplify and enjoy life more.

    Does life sometimes feel more complex than it needs to be? Do you feel like society expects you to buy more than is necessary, own more things than you need, or do more work than you want? As much as we might not want to admit it, the fear of missing out (FOMO) is alive and well. If any of these situations resonate with you, you may want to find ways to live more simply.

    When you want to live more simply, it means making choices that ultimately make life less stressful and more fulfilling because of their simplicity. There are lots of definitions of what it means to live a simple life. Most definitions include some measure of eliminating extras so you can focus on what’s needed and live life with greater freedom, fulfillment, and happiness.

    It’s often argued that to live more simply (or minimalism) is a reaction to materialism. Others think that simple living is a part of “alternative hedonism,” which is a movement that responds to the destructive models of capitalist consumption.

    Here are a few different approaches to living more simply:

    • Minimalism – simplifies life by reducing your possessions and consumption. Sometimes, it also includes ascetic minimalism, which focuses on clean, uncluttered design.
    • Self-sufficiency – is providing for yourself as much as possible without modern systems or what we might call convenience. Some examples are living off-the-grid, growing your food, sewing clothes, or making self-care products like soap.
    • Digital minimalism – is reducing or eliminating access to certain technologies like cell phones, social media, or the Internet as much as possible.
    • Connection with nature – spending more time outside, camping, or in wilderness environments.
    • Slowing down – sometimes called “slow living,” reduces a sense of urgency or busyness so you can make intentional choices and enjoy your life more.

    Living more is as individual as you are. You can live with a mixture of some or all of these approaches. Trying different approaches to see how you feel and how they affect your stress level is often helpful. Doing this helps identify which style or styles you want to integrate into your life that positively affects your well-being.

    Why is Living More Simply Important?

    Many people choose to live more simply after they realize that no matter how much they buy, things do not make them happy. They find a greater sense of well-being when they reduce the pressure on themselves and gain time to do things that bring them true joy. Living simply can result in many positive things in life, including:

    • feeling less stressed about money
    • better work-life balance
    • more time in the day to be present
    • environmental consciousness
    • clarity about what matters
    • more freedom to choose what you want
    • space to discover your passions

    Living more has become essential for many people and there are lots of different ways to simplify life. Many of us, maybe even most of us, find a better fit practicing a few simplifying things rather than taking our lives completely off-grid. Here are some examples you might try to test out what feels like a good fit.

    • bake from scratch—bread, cookies, pizza – even better if you bake with someone
    • start a vegetable garden.
    • declutter and donate anything you don’t need.
    • stop buying things you don’t need and won’t use

    How to Live More Simply

    Does the idea of living seem great, but you’re just not ready to (or you don’t want to, which is fine) change your entire lifestyle?

    Here are some ways to live more simply: give up consuming to prevent FOMO and enjoy your life.

    1. Say “no” more often

    Our lives often get cluttered and busy when we say yes to everything. Maybe we say yes to eating junk food we don’t want to eat, participating in consumer holidays like Black Friday that we don’t want to join in, agreeing to do more than we handle, or accepting invites to events we don’t want to attend. By learning how to say no, you get back more of your time and take back power over your life. So, take some time to think about the things you let into your life that don’t need to be there and start saying no to them so you can say yes to what you want!

    2. Disconnect from technology

    There are many ways to disconnect; however, disconnecting from tech is one of the most challenging habits to change. Sometimes, you’ve just got to do it, as they say. Often, it’s helpful to start small with one of these suggestions:

    • turn off notifications on your phone
    • take a break from social media
    • digital detox with a weekend off of the Internet

    I think you’ll experience extra time in your day and maybe even have some free time for relaxing. Many of my clients experience much less information streaming into the brain when they decrease the use of technology. Think about how you can use this extra space in your mind when you get when you set limits with technology.

    3. Declutter your closets

    First, put all the clothes you don’t wear in a box. Leave out just enough clothing to wear for one month. You aren’t getting rid of anything – you’re just putting extra clothes in a box. At the end of the month, open the box and decide what to keep and donate. Once you get used to living without excess clothing, getting rid of the extra stuff when needed is easier. You can do this challenge with other items and decide what you need versus donating what you don’t.

    4. Set a budget

    Setting a budget can help prevent you from filling up your spaces with more stuff. It also enables you to discern what you value – stuff or experiences. Do you spend your way out of taking the trip you would enjoy so much more than another impulse purchase? One thing to ask yourself is if this is essential and if I will use this. When you decrease your spending to what matters, there’s less waste, and you’ll have more money for what matters to you.

    Conclusion

    Living more simply can boost your well-being and even enrich your lifestyle. Fortunately, small changes allow you to test out what works for you as you go along. I hope the ideas and information provided here give you some ideas to help you create a simple life that you love.

  • Calm Your Mind with 5 Science-Backed Strategies

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    Read on to discover science-backed strategies to help you calm your mind for more peace.

    When you calm your mind, do you have peace of mind? Most of my coaching clients want to be in a state of calmness or tranquility and they also want to have the confidence that they can reduce stress as needed. Life is busy. When you know how to manage daily stress, it helps to have freedom from worry and anxiety. It can be intense and stressful when your mind is overwhelmed with too many thoughts and feelings. A calm, relaxed, and content mind is in order!

    A lot of research gives many ideas or options on how to decrease stress and calm your mind. When your sympathetic nervous system is activated, it releases cortisol and other stress hormones, catecholamines, norepinephrine, and epinephrine. If you know what helps you stay calm and relaxed, the stress hormones remain moderate, allowing your brain and body to experience fewer consequences of stress.

    There are several ways to reduce stress. Fortunately, there are also several science-supported ways to calm your mind.

    Here are five powerful ways to calm your mind and feel less stressed:

    1. Practice Visualization

    When your mind is full of stress, commitments and must-dos, exchanging your thoughts with a more soothing state of mind is helpful. One way to do this is with visualization. For example, you can imagine yourself on a sandy beach, enjoying the sunshine on your face and a slight breeze carrying the scent of tropical flowers. This imagery can give you a little break and remind you that you control your thoughts.

    What’s excellent about visualization is that when you imagine situations, your brain reacts similarly as if those things are happening in real-time. So, when you visualize a calming situation or image, some parts of your brain think it’s real. You begin to feel the emotions the visualization evokes for you. If you want a calm mind, imagine a scenario that cultivates peace of mind and assesses your feelings.

    2. Practice Mindfulness

    Mindfulness is one of the most popular ways to slow down, put the brakes on a racing mind, lower anxiety, and help you be in the present moment. Many people do mindful meditations to calm stress and anxiety regularly. Although mindful meditation isn’t a good fit for everyone, it is a valuable tool to try and see if it has a calming and clarity-inducing effect on you. Guided meditations, in particular, can help you stay focused with the meditation enough to experience beneficial results.

    3. Listen to Binaural Beats

    Research has shown that listening to calming music reduces cortisol for many people. As a reminder, cortisol is one of the essential stress hormones. In addition, compelling research suggests the benefits of listening to music with binaural beats. Binaural beats are when two tones with slightly different frequencies are played, one beat in one ear and the other in another. The research shows that listening to binaural beats before working on a task helps to improve performance. They might also help to calm the mind.

    4. ​Go Outside

    One of the best ways to calm the mind is to go outside and breathe the fresh air. Getting outside benefits your well-being, whether in the forest, a park, or even your backyard. Whether it’s because of the fresh air, sunlight, or breathing in the scent of trees (all of which are good for our health), it doesn’t matter. The research shows that being outside helps calm and soothe your mind and body.

    5. ​Do Things You Love

    If you’re prone to feeling the effects of stress, it’s easy to get stuck and feel anxious when your life provides you with little inspiration, excitement, or fulfillment. Luckily, you have a lot of power to change this point of view of your life. What you’ll need is to do more of the things you love. Maybe you love painting, cooking, playing softball, playing with your pet, or watching old movies. Whatever it is, when you do things that make you feel good, you dissolve some of the negative thoughts and emotions that clutter your mind.

    Conclusion

    When you calm your mind, it often leads to peace of mind. Building a foundation that supports you regularly to keep stress low is essential. Equally important are skills you can easily use when life happens and your stress level increases. I know that the ability to calm your mind keeps giving dividends yearly!

  • Learn How to Soothe Yourself Easily: 5 Tips to Renew Your Inner Peace

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    Inner peace doesn’t just happen. It takes skills to self-soothe, one of the most essential life skills.

    Keep reading to learn science-backed strategies to increase your ability to self-soothe and feel the calm of inner peace!

    Self-soothing is the effort or capacity to calm yourself in emotional distress.

    Three factors determine how long the emotional stress lasts depending on

    1. how emotionally reactive a person is
    2. the level or amount of difficulty they have with regulating their emotions
    3. how quickly they recover from emotional distress.

    Self-soothing usually focuses on child development. Childhood is when we learn many self-soothing patterns, which start when we’re just babies. Child development researchers find that when caregivers soothe people, they internalize the soothing experience and learn how to recreate the emotional experience for themselves.

    What happens when your caregiver doesn’t know how to self-soothe or if there are other barriers to learning to self-soothe?

    The good news is that you can learn to self-soothe no matter your age and how uncomfortable it is to learn something new. Improving your self-soothing skills as an adult requires insight into what you need, learning about self-soothing skills, and the ability to focus effectively on self-soothing to return to an emotional baseline. It might sound like a vague skillset, but as you practice, it becomes clear, and you know how to help yourself. Here are some quick and easy self-soothing techniques that have a lot of impact and that many of my clients find helpful:

    1. Listen to Relaxing Music

    Listening to relaxing music often reduces cortisol. Cortisol is an important stress hormone that decreases when we shift out of a stressful state and into a relaxed state (Khalfa et al., 2003). If you’re feeling anxious or have excess energy and can’t settle down, calming music can help.  Music supports your brain by changing your mood, helping you to breathe more deeply, focus on positive emotions and decrease negative emotions.

    2. Take a Few Deep Breaths

    A crucial part of self-soothing is decreasing activation of the sympathetic nervous system. Using your car as an example, the accelerator speeds up the car and makes the engine work harder. We slow and calm our stress response by activating the parasympathetic nervous system or in the car example it’s the braking system. The parasympathetic nervous system slows down the acceleration and stops the fight, flight, or freeze response so that you can return to a baseline calm state.

    Take a few long, deep breaths to activate the parasympathetic nervous system or the breaks. One easy breathing strategy to remember is box breathing.  Box breathing involves breathing in for a count of four, holding for a count of four, breathing out for a count of four, and then holding for a count of four. Repeat this box breathing method for a few rounds until you feel calmer.

    3. Do Pleasant Activities

    Engaging in pleasant and enjoyable activities is another easy way to self-soothe. Participating in an activity you enjoy often helps you feel more contented. When you’re stressed doing something you like supports your well-being when you experience a positive state of being. Some low-key pleasant activities are gardening, spending time with friends, and doing arts and crafts. It doesn’t need to be fancy – a word search, doodling or reading are great options.

    4. Identify Your Stress Triggers

    Many clients have told me that unpredictability is one of the most frustrating parts of experiencing intense negative emotions. It’s as if they are blinded by emotion from nowhere or even bubbling up after an uncomfortable event. Sometimes this happens hours or even days later. You can self-soothe and prevent stress by gaining more awareness about what leads to stress. This leads to better control of your emotions overall.

    One easy way to practice this is to decide when it’s worth the challenge and when it’s not. For example, you can avoid the gossipy neighbor who leaves you feeling like you’ve been slimed. You can stop yourself from saying something you’ll regret and prevent the same argument with your mother- again.

    5. Explore When and What Upsets You

    What are the common themes when you get upset, especially the time of day and the topic? Ask yourself: do I feel out of control or overwhelmed when I’m tired or hungry? It’s important because the solution is simple and feeling better sooner is almost inevitable. Changing your schedule so you’re aligned with when you need to eat and can sleep longer hours is helpful.

    Another critical point is to ask yourself –

    • Are there specific thoughts or energy that leave you feeling stressed?
    • Are you overthinking it—playing out the situation over in your mind again and again?
    • Or are you catastrophizing—imagining the worst possible outcomes?

    It could even be your hostile inner critic—that little voice that tells you you’re not _____ (fill in the blank) enough.

    ​When thoughts stick, it’s good to know what they are so you can take action and prevent them from spinning out of control.

    In Sum – Benefits of Self-soothing

    It is challenging to self-soothe when you feel upset and your nervous system is in fight, flight or freeze mode. When you have options that help you feel better you have choices. By using self-soothing techniques, you have more control over how you think and feel than you realize. Being calm, clear and connected is possible when you know how to reduce stress and manage your emotional well-being.

  • 3 Ways to Turn Body Hate into Body Love

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    blog post title graphic with a blue modern flower and beige background that says, 3 ways to turn body hate into body love powerfulcalm.com

    There are two paths – body hate vs body love.

    There is no in-between, justifications, or talking yourself into what-ifs.

    Maybe I like the color of my eyes, but my legs are too short. Or perhaps I like the way my body moves, just not the muscles or the bit of jiggle. There isn’t room for an in-between-the-line sort of perspective.

    Can you parse out your relationship with your body like that and still have a “healthy body image?”

    It doesn’t happen much, but there are all-or-nothing situations. The gray areas only serve to distract from how you truly feel. When the painful reality of how much body hate you endure daily, it’s time to make a real commitment to change.

    Two Paths: hate or love.

    Why do you hate your body?

    The path of hate is an easy one. You can continue living with negative thoughts and feelings about your body and you’ll find a lot of company. It’s how we’re socialized, especially women, that there’s always something not good enough. It’s expected that you will join in the negative body talk. For many people, it’s a bonding experience to share your pain of dissatisfaction with your body.

    If you tend toward stress, eating is the usual fallback to soothe the pain – temporarily.

    Self-deprecating humor about your body means saying, ‘Yep, we’re in the same boat; I don’t like myself either!’

    Going along with the crowd

    You can continue to agree with the millions of magazines, social media posts, radio and TV commercials, billboards, and so on that tell you your body could be better. The way to cure body hate is through diet and exercise. It’s the logic that if you do this, you will love yourself, and your life will magically fall into place because you’ve reached some physical acceptability.

    Okay, maybe they don’t say the last bit, but the message is loud and clear for many people.

    You might think, if this celebrity spokesmodel can make it happen, so can I! The plan they’re selling will finally get me you where you’re supposed to be.

    Do this and you will receive lots of other good things in life.

    Sometimes, it’s even presented that you don’t deserve good things or aren’t worthy if your body is less than some arbitrary acceptable definition.

    These messages are often followed by competing messages that show delicious-looking foods that will bring fun and happiness into your life. You follow the trigger and assure yourself this is the last stress-eating episode.

    Mindset and body love

    From a mindset perspective, this type of thinking falls into the fixed mindset category. You’re looking outside of yourself to change the way you feel. It makes sense if you haven’t experienced a different self-relationship; how would you know a different way is possible?

    Carol Dweck, a Stanford researcher who studies mindset, has shown that people who have a growth mindset are better able to take risks, challenge their fixed mindset beliefs, and are willing to identify fixed mindset triggers and learn from them. This means that when you approach life from a growth mindset, you’re eager to evolve and incorporate new ways of being with yourself, even when what you know doesn’t work and you’re not sure what will work.

    When applied to transforming body hate into love, you need to willingly look clearly at your thoughts and feelings as well as the conversations you have with yourself and others about body image, so you can identify triggers that keep you in a fixed state of hate.

    You can also take action when you stop paying attention to information that doesn’t help; even when it’s uncomfortable, try a different way.

    Just think of how much time and energy you’ve spent keeping things the same. You were searching for an answer in something that worked for someone else instead of listening to yourself. Paying attention to your body so that you receive the information you need to become who you need to be.

    How to grow your body love

    The path of love is much more difficult.

    The path of love takes time.

    The reward is the transformation from the inside out – real, lasting change.

    What I can promise you is that if you take the path of love, you will –

    • get frustrated
    • doubt you’re on the correct road
    • make mistakes.

    These are all expected and welcomed because this is where change grows into new ways of being with yourself.

    Transformational change results in a life shift that is nearly impossible to reverse.

    The changes become part of who you are.

    Why do we often take the path of hate when love is so much better?

    The path of hate has many people you can join up with.

    There’s a lot of advice and support to stay in the struggle and stay the same. Keep up the battle and live in discontent with your body because we’re all together on this! It’s familiar and the reinforcement you receive is all around.

    The old stories you tell yourself need somewhere to go. It would be best if you stashed the discomfort to get relief. All the better if you can blame outside of yourself. But the problem is that you’ll need to wait for society, your family, the media to change before you can feel better. Your power is stripped away.

    Family Body Stories

    Body stories are like other lore. They are passed down from your parents, teachers, coaches, culture and kids will either rebel or adopt these beliefs.

    Many studies have examined family relationship patterns (here, here, here) and their influence on body image. What we know is that especially in mother–daughter relationships, the unhappier mom is with her body, and there is increased body image and eating problems in the child. Without intervention, this relationship pattern continues into adulthood and gets passed down to the next generation.

    The research has also shown that when parents have a positive relationship with their bodies, it provides insulation from body image issues and the diet messages that bombard us in daily life.

    It’s a big culturally acceptable bath of yuck that most women, at one point or another, will jump into and sadly never get out of.

    The struggle is having a healthy, loving relationship with your body.

    Maybe you would like to change your weight, find an exercise plan you enjoy, make some changes to how you eat and generally feel better in your body. That’s great!

    You can do any or all of those things and protect yourself from the influence of a fixed mindset by focusing on what you think and instead doing what’s right for you.

    Your body story influences your day-to-day life, so make it supportive!

    Here are three ways to help you get started

    The first step is to pay attention to the little things you say to yourself. The judgments and comments you make to others about your body and eating habits. Also, the silent judgments you make about others that you would be mortified if they found out. Kindness and compassion are a circle that supports emotional well-being for all when it’s freely given and received.

    1. Challenge yourself with supportive questions

    • Is this what I want to say to myself and how does this affect me by giving voice to it?
    • Is this thought or feeling leading me to health and well-being?
    • Does this help me become who I need to be, or does it keep me standing still?

    Having some supportive and compassionate statements at the ready is also helpful. Don’t worry; I’ve got you covered just below.

    2. Reframe your story; every ‘because’ argument has at least two sides

    You’re the one who decides which direction to go. Sometimes, it must be true if it’s something you’ve thought or heard for many years.

    But is it? People can change at any point in their lives. Sometimes, it takes minimal effort and other times, it can seem like you’re moving with lead weights strapped to your ankles. Keep moving anyway.

    When change happens slowly, allow yourself to acknowledge all the tiny victories because they will add to the change you want to happen.

    When change happens quickly, remember all the time, thought, planning and action you have put into making it a reality. Most overnight successes were years in the making.

    Both fast and slow changes need to be honored – with abundant love.

    You’re more likely to make healthful decisions when you feel better and your self-esteem is high. Positive creates more positive. This is why the path of love, although more challenging to navigate at first, becomes more accessible. You will experience more freedom and greater well-being in the process.

    3. You can choose love over hate at any time

    You can change your thoughts and they have the power to transform body hate.

    Here are some alternative statements to get you started:

    I hate my body.

    Alternative: I’m nurturing a loving relationship with my body.

    My ______ is too fat/thin.

    Alternative: My body is just as it needs to be now, and I am evolving. 

    My ______ says I’m ______.

    Alternative: I choose my relationship with my body and nurture myself with love.

    I feel fat!

    Alternative: I have many feelings and there’s more to feeling fat.

    I can’t eat ______.

    Alternative: I choose foods that nurture my mind, body and heart.

    I need to work off those calories!

    Alternative: I am integrating all food choices into my lifestyle and I move my body with peace.

    My body doesn’t like me.

    Alternative: I am getting to know another side of my relationship with my body and practicing self-compassion is part of it.

    I feel gross like this.

    Alternative: I am changing and sometimes I will feel uncomfortable and it will pass.

    I’m just not attractive.

    Alternative: I am growing in my appreciation of beauty in all aspects of myself.

    I wish I had ______.

    Alternative: I have all that I need right now and know that I may change in the future.

    I don’t feel like myself anymore.

    Alternative: I am focusing on being present and learning what I need to care for myself in new ways.

    In Sum

    Use this list as a starting point to become more aware of your internal conversation. Use the awareness to shape statements to provide you with the information you need to support and trust yourself – that you can change your self-relationship and be comfortable in your body.