Month: March 2023

  • How to Get Unstuck and Be Happy for Good!

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    blog post graphic with a pink modern flower on a beige background that says, how to get unstuck and be happy for good, powerfulcalm.com

    Why is it so hard to get unstuck and move forward in life?

    It’s like you’re standing at a fork in the road, unsure of which direction to take and there’s a huge tree blocking both paths. You know you must move down one or the other, but how will you climb over that tree? The path that leads to less stress and more happiness is right on the other side. Take steps to climb over the tree and risk taking the wrong path. The difficulty is feeling spent and burned out; you only want to get unstuck!

    The search for happiness seems a long way off when you’re trying to make choices that support you, but you’re still struggling to find the path. The key to breaking free from this cycle is to listen to your true self. This article gives you the key points to follow to get unstuck and be more authentic.

    What is Authenticity?

    Being authentic means that how you show up in your daily life is accurate with how you feel, think, and express yourself – this is your true self. You express your whole self genuinely rather than showing people only a particular side of yourself. That means being authentic requires you to know who your true self is. And this requires self-awareness, mindfulness, and self-acceptance. 

    Why Authenticity Matters to Get Unstuck

    We are constantly bombarded with media, family, co-workers and friends, who tell us who to be, what to want, and how we “should” be. These influences slowly chip away at our self-knowledge and confidence about our authentic selves.

    But when you are a problem for someone else, you tell yourself that who you are isn’t okay. People pleasing can take over and lead to suppressing who you are, leaving you feeling lonely and disconnected from others.

    How You Lose Your Authenticity

    We are constantly balancing inner and outer aspects of ourselves to fit in better, to become more successful, or to find love. We are driven to find “our place” in society and want to be respected for who we are and what we must contribute. Many high achievers are propelled even further and want to know how to live with purpose and deeper meaning, and they feel fulfilled when they become more authentic.

    But at the same time, we live in a society that values superficiality, strives for perfection, and defines success by the dollars in our bank account, not by how well we live our values daily. So how can we be authentic despite the messages that try to convince us to be someone else?

    Why Overcoming Inauthenticity Is So Hard

    We were molded as children by our parents, teachers, religion, peers, and society to “fit in” or match the version that they see. As a result, we develop beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that align with what we were taught. Sometimes, it matches our self-concept; other times, it doesn’t, leading to inauthenticity and the need to get unstuck.

    This version of ourselves can be considered the “Adaptive Self”—the self that prioritizes fitting in, getting along, and generally doing what we’re told. This self is not without value and purpose—it helps us be functioning members of society. The Adaptive Self might run your life and keep you stuck if you feel inauthentic.

    To reclaim your authenticity, you need to define your authentic self –

    • the self that prioritizes
    • living in alignment with your values,
    • pursuing your purpose and passions

    so you keep moving forward in your life.

    What does it mean to be authentic so you can get unstuck?

    Being authentic means being true to yourself and living in alignment with your values, passions, and purpose. It requires honesty, courage, and vulnerability. Being authentic makes you feel more confident, fulfilled, and empowered.

    Here is your pathway to step into more authenticity:

    Identify your values

    Your values are the principles and beliefs important to you and guidelines for how you live. They are a reflection of who you are because they are the foundation of your life. Take some time to identify what is most important to you in life. What matters most to you? Make a list of these values and prioritize them in your life.

    Identify your passions

    Your passions are the things that bring you joy and fulfillment. They reflect what excites you and brings energy into your life. Take some time to identify what activities, hobbies, or interests you enjoy. What brings you a sense of purpose or meaning? Make a list of these passions and prioritize them in your life.

    Take action on your values and passions.

    Once you have identified your values and passions, it’s time to start taking action. This can be uncomfortable, especially if it means making significant changes in your life. However, taking small steps toward your values and passions helps you integrate them into your life. The benefit is you’ll also build momentum and confidence as you do. For example, if you’ve always wanted to pursue a hobby, start by reading about it, taking a class, or joining a related group. Sometimes, this step-by-step process helps you “test the water” and make decisions.

    Let go of people-pleasing

    You might get stuck when you worry about the messages you receive from others about who they want you to be. However, being authentic means letting go of people-pleasing and living in alignment with what you need. This might mean saying no to things that don’t align with your values or passions. It can also mean setting boundaries with people who don’t support you.

    Practice self-reflection

    Self-reflection is essential to profoundly knowing yourself. Self-reflection examines your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to identify areas where you are out of alignment. Take time each day to reflect on your experiences and how they relate to your values and passions.

    Embrace vulnerability

    Being authentic requires vulnerability. It means being honest with yourself and others about who you are and what you want. This, too, can be uncomfortable, but it is also empowering. When you embrace vulnerability, you open yourself to deeper connections with yourself and those important to you, which often leads to a more fulfilling life.

    In sum, getting unstuck and authentic requires identifying your values and passions, taking action, letting go of people-pleasing, practicing self-reflection, and embracing vulnerability. You feel more confident, fulfilled, and empowered when you align with your true self. The antidote to both stuckness and lifelong happiness is authenticity!

  • 4 Ways to Love and Accept Yourself in Midlife

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    blog title graphic with a white modern flower on a beige background that says, 4 ways to love and accept yourself in midlife, powerfulcalm.com

    When you accept yourself, life gets better.

    How you do it is to confidently acknowledge that there’s so much about you that’s good. You also know you’re on the path of continuing to grow when you can accept your wonderfully imperfect self, too!

    Daily life is challenging, with unrealistic expectations of who you think you need to be. The media, social media, family, work and society try to shape you into the image of someone who measures up, even if you disagree.

    And yet,

    • trying to do a good job
    • be a good person
    • be valued by those who matter to you

    This is what’s essential in life.

    So, how do you get past negative self-talk, worry about not doing enough, and live up to unrealistic expectations?

    The path of acceptance is one of courage. It requires you to get clear about what you need, even when you aren’t sure to change your mind or make a mistake about what you want.

    Practicing self-compassion while you figure it out will help you stay on track.

    Here are four ways you can cultivate more self-acceptance. They are all interrelated, moving from what’s outside your control to within your control. As you follow the steps, you’ll clarify what you want and set goals that align with your values.

    No matter your age, culture, race, gender, or nationality, the media (and social media) often highlights the ideal. It can leave you feeling that you don’t measure up to the ideal and unattractive. Comparisons aren’t only for teens; they can happen to us regardless of age. Research has shown that the more media you consume with attractive people in it, the worse you feel about yourself. But it’s important to remember that the media reflects what we’re already thinking, and to get unstuck, it’s important to remember this. If your focus is appearance-based, you likely fall short because your brain is already oriented that way. If you see media for what it is—a show—then you can stop comparing yourself to unrealistic ideals and accept yourself.

    2. Limit negative self-talk.

    One of the ways you can better accept yourself is to challenge your negative self-talk. All of us have an inner monologue running all day long. If this self-talk is primarily negative, you’ll have difficulty feeling good about yourself. For example, many clients say things like, “I’m not attractive anymore,” “My life is a mess,” or “I didn’t work so hard for my life to be like this.” You can stop some painful thoughts by limiting your media and social media time, which can help prevent immediate adverse reactions.

    I haven’t met anyone whose life is entirely negative or positive for longer-term relief practice noticing when you have feelings of satisfaction when you laugh or even when you feel proud of yourself. When you recall pleasant memories – times when things have gone well, your brain gets a boost from recalling that experience. Remembering good times can open up a more optimistic frame of reference and help you get unstuck from negative thinking and accept yourself.

    3. Express yourself.

    What else stops you from accepting yourself? Mostly, we fear what other people might think about us if we show our true selves. For example, maybe your friends all have the same opinion about a political topic, so you decide not to share your different points of view. Maybe your friends have a particular view on healthy eating and exercise, so you choose not to talk about your opinions because you don’t want to have that conversation. Or maybe your friends enjoy sharing a meal at a fancy restaurant, so you decide not to invite them to your house for the cozy dinner you’d enjoy; even as adults, we often hold back because we’re afraid of how we’ll be judged.

    It’s human nature to want to show the best sides of ourselves. Holding back your opinions occasionally is a necessary part of life — in fact, it can help make our relationships a bit easier and more enjoyable. You don’t have to share everything with everyone all the time!

    However, self-expression is problematic when you edit yourself so much that people-pleasing is your default, and your unique perspective gets lost. The result? Few of the people in your life know who you are deep down. Maybe you even start to question who you are and what you believe. Another consequence is that the critical people in your life don’t have the opportunity to accept you as you are. Most importantly, you don’t allow yourself to accept yourself as you are, either.

    4. Celebrate your strengths.

    Sometimes, focusing on your weaknesses is more accessible than celebrating your strengths. This is especially true for “problem solvers.” Everyone has things they aren’t great at doing and that’s okay. But, when you focus on those things instead of focusing on what you’re good at, too, it leads to getting stuck. If you get down on yourself regularly for things, liking yourself as much as possible will be hard. So, celebrate your strengths and discover even more about yourself. Gaining a new or broader perspective usually helps you accept yourself more.

    In sum, when you accept yourself, life is more straightforward – that’s the bottom line! It’s a process to get there. And part of that process is building habits that support your well-being and personal growth – step by step. Habits that help you feel good and continue to grow and nurture yourself with compassion and accountability make the process easier.

    How will you begin the process of accepting yourself?

  • 5 Reasons Why Eating in Moderation is So Complicated

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    blog title graphic with a white flower on a beige background that says, 5 reasons why eating in moderation is so complicated powerfulcalm.com

    You’ve probably heard that eating in moderation is easy, and if you do, you can eat anything you want!

    For someone who doesn’t stress or emotionally eat, it’s an easy thing to say. But, if you’re trapped in the cycle of stress eating or emotional eating, dieting and back to emotional eating again, eating in moderation requires a few new skills.

    Eating in moderation is an excellent foundation for getting various foods.

    Feeling good about what you eat, getting enough energy and just plain freedom from the dieting too.

    To get to the place where you can listen and get what you need, clear your path of distractions is essential.

    Here are five things that hold you back from eating in moderation and what you can do about it.

    1. Focusing too much on the details.

    When you spend time focusing on the nutrition facts, the healthiest way to eat, the best plan for you, or any other details, you can lose sight of the big picture. I’m not saying the details aren’t important or that gaining knowledge isn’t helpful, it’s when it takes up more time than is needs to take up. You’ll know it’s too much when it seems to take on more importance than your experience of nurturing yourself.

    Focusing on the details too much also silences your ability to listen to the feedback your mind and body give you about what you need. When you aren’t listening to your body, it can lead to overeating. When disconnected from yourself, it’s tough to hear the subtle cues about what you need.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    Focus on covering the basics nutritionally while you loosen up the food rules. Slowly changing over time is usually more sustainable than one big overhaul.

    If you have health issues that require you to pay attention to carbs, fat, or sodium in your meals, take good care of your health and pay attention. You can identify where and when you shift from awareness and self-care to worry and obsession.

    The change might be about how you think, like shifting from food rules to long-term health and well-being guidelines.

    Shift your mindset to think about rules as guidelines for nurturing your body. As you shift into this way of thinking, you will naturally have less stress about food. In the beginning, like any new habit, it might feel strange.

    Sometimes, people feel like they will be out of control and overeat, not knowing when to stop. Eating in moderation is next to impossible if you experience this fear. But taking it step by step will help you transition out of worry and into the driver’s seat.

    The guidelines for good nutrition are there to support your decision-making from the inside out. Take in the info thoughtfully and consider how to apply it to your lifestyle and nutritional needs while considering any medical requirements.

    If you can relieve yourself of the stress about the food rules, you may be able to eat more moderately and consciously.

    2. You’re stuck in the diet mentality.

    The diet mentality is when you follow a diet plan that promises to solve your weight, body image, or food problems in a distinct, often quick and nearly painless way. Eating in moderation isn’t on the menu. The underlying premise is that you’ll be happy if you only follow a particular set of food rules.

    What lures most people in is the certainty and simplicity:

    • There are foods on the “Okay to eat list” and others on the “don’t touch” list.
    • Restrict yourself to a certain number of calories daily, which will be your result.
    • Strict boundaries – eat at this time, this amount of this food.

    These plans are so popular because it’s enticing to get directions that direct you to take specific action – no thinking required.

    The common belief is that your body will not cooperate with you. So, you find yourself trying to manipulate the food in some way. This type of relationship is usually based on the belief that you cannot trust your body to give you good information on what you need.

    But you can develop a trusting relationship with yourself and make food decisions that meet your nutritional needs. You can also meet your needs for enjoyment and pleasure so you feel satisfied with a meal.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    This situation calls for a mindset shift from viewing your body as separate from yourself as if it’s a thing that you can easily shape and form at your will.

    The mindset that gets you out of the diet mentality is to develop a relationship with your body, treating it with kindness, compassion and respect.

    It isn’t easy to overeat when you are kind and respectful to yourself. As you leave the diet mentality and eat in a way that respects your hunger and fullness, your awareness increases and your body naturally communicates with you. Moderate eating is possible because you listen when your body tells you it’s had enough. Kindness and respect give you the ability to stop eating peacefully.

    3. Doing more than one thing while eating.

    If you’re like most people, you probably eat while multitasking at least a few times a week.

    You have a big deadline and need to grab lunch quickly while sitting in front of the computer.

    It’s easy to get to the bottom of the bag before you realize you’ve eaten all the chips while watching your favorite show.

    When you’re distracted, paying attention to what you’re eating takes second place.

    It’s hard to know when you’ve had enough food to satisfy your physical hunger and the need for satisfaction when you’re distracted. The feeling that the meal is complete and you’ve had enough isn’t vital when doing something else. The warning to stop only comes when you can’t ignore the uncomfortable fullness.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    Doing one thing at a time can save you time. If you turn on the TV or switch to your favorite app or email while eating, it’s easy to get drawn into whatever you’re watching. The minutes pass by, just a bit more and before you know it, an extra 15, 30, 45, or 60 minutes have passed, and you’re still unconsciously eating.

    Doing one thing can also help you to eat more slowly, identify fullness and satiety sooner and possibly eat less.

    Doing one thing helps you perceive the cue that you’re full sooner than feeling uncomfortably full because you’re paying attention to yourself.

    4. Viewing what you eat as a moral issue.

    You will get stuck when you put food in the category of good vs. evil and assign a moral value to it.

    Foods have different nutritional values, of course.

    I like to use the analogy of a serving of broccoli vs. a candy bar. Yes, they are very different from a nutritional perspective, but morally? You’re not a “bad” person if you eat candy, nor are you a good person if you eat broccoli.

    Your body will have different responses and you may feel differently eating one vs. the other, but you have not gained or lost your “I’m a good person” status.

    It’s just food and both have a legitimate role in nurturing yourself.

    Eating in Moderation Solution:

    Think about food from this perspective:

    • What do I want to eat (taste perspective)?
    • What type of nutrition do I need given my activities in the next 4 hours (fuel perspective)?
    • Which foods will meet my need to feel good (satiety)?

    When you ask yourself these questions, you are helping your body, mind, and self-esteem. You can make decisions based on the fullness of what’s important to you.

    5. Not permitting yourself to enjoy the food you eat.

    Follows from #4 above. Food is fuel and it’s a lot more, too.

    Food is one of the great pleasures in life. When you acknowledge that it’s okay to enjoy eating, you are closer to freedom from overeating and diet mentality-related guilt about eating what you like.

    When you do this, you honor your need for fuel and pleasure and are no longer left wanting more.

    You can eat what you need, feel satisfied and eat in moderation.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    Normal eating is many things.

    • Eating when you’re hungry.
    • Eating what you love.
    • Eating for energy.
    • Eating when you can because you know what the next few hours will bring and must prepare.

    Eating is also for pure pleasure.

    The only way to eat the foods you love without guilt and the risk of chronic overeating is to make them part of your life.

    • Here are some questions to help you decide if this is for you:
    • What would happen if you allowed yourself to experience food with pleasure?
    • Would you eat less?
    • Would you feel less guilt and thereby less need to compensate for them?
    • Would your daily nutrition meet all of your needs?

    In sum, my challenge to you is this – allowing yourself to practice eating in moderation. Changing your relationship with food isn’t as easy as the ease a new diet plan promises. I hope the eating in moderation solutions give you some ideas about how to do things differently. Changing any habit that no longer serves you leads to more health and well-being.

  • How to Fearlessly Live Your Core Values

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    blog title graphic red modern flower on a beige background that says how to fearlessly live your core values powerfulcalm.com

    Identify your core values and learn how to live by them to build greater happiness.

    Sometimes, you can go through life without paying much attention. Maybe you move from one thing to the next, playing on your phone, without considering whether your actions match what you believe is essential – core values. But when you go through life without following your values, you can lose yourself and your ability to generate real happiness.

    Want to identify what your core values are and learn how to live them? Keep reading…

    Identify Your Values

    When you identify your values, you design a life that better aligns with your true self. It’s important to remember that values differ for everyone—you are the only one who can identify your values.

    Think about the list of values below. Write down any of the values that feel right for you. Add any other values you find that aren’t on the list.

    Values List:

    AuthenticityAdventureBalanceBraveryCompassion
    ChallengeCitizenshipCommunityCreativityCuriosity
    DeterminationFairnessFreedomFriendshipsFun
    GenerosityGrowthGritHonestyIntegrity
    JusticeKindnessKnowledgeLeadershipLearning
    LoveLoyaltyOpennessOptimismRecognition
    ResponsibilitySecuritySelf-respectConnectionSpirituality
    StabilityStatusWealthWisdomWellness
    Short List of Core Values

    Next, note your three to five most important values. For each of these, write down three or more actions defining what it means to live by these values. For example, if you value loyalty, actions might include forgiving a friend for a betrayal, negotiating fair treatment at work to ensure your commitment to your employer, or choosing not to engage in extramarital affairs.

    Now, write down one thing you have done that does not reflect each of your top three to five values. For example, if you value fun, it’s a more action-oriented choice to take the time and effort to look for fun activities to pursue.

    Next, write down what you could do differently next time. Maybe instead of bracing for the worst, you could think about what might go right, what you might learn, or what cool things you must look forward to. This activity may teach you that you can live closer to your values.

    It might be hard to follow through. Maybe you need to –

    It’s easy to go with the flow, keep the peace and lose sight of your values. It’s much harder to live by our values and do what suits us in the long run.

    What if you haven’t been living your values?

    For one woman I know—a kind, intelligent, caring person—the rift between her values and actions became apparent when she left her boyfriend’s home to gain attention and physical satisfaction from other men. It was clear that her actions went against her values. So even though her actions made her feel good at the moment, she would go home feeling terrible each night.

    For another woman I know—a strong, giving, selfless person—the growing gap between her values and actions happened when she started working in her basement office until late to avoid her responsibilities at home. Never had she been the kind of person that couldn’t handle a challenge. Never had she been willing to ignore her kids. But in the middle of the pandemic, she was overwhelmed by constant needs at home and work, all happening simultaneously. She lost track of her ability to give and receive love – one of her highest values. It was only when she reminded herself that her family was the most important thing that she reached out for help and started living her values that she rebuilt her relationships and happiness.

    The good news and bad news are that we all hold different ones. The outcome will look different for each user who loses track of our values. Many of us never ask ourselves our values or what would happen if we weren’t living them; the result is feeling lost and not knowing what to do.

    By identifying what you need to do to live your values, you can become the person you want to be. And as it gets easier to love yourselves, you start to feel happier.

    Live Your Values

    When I did a value exercise early in my career, I discovered that kindness is one of my top values. I lived this value in many ways but had some significant gaps. For one, I could be critical of my supervisees, criticizing them for minor things without a kind word. I could tell you I acted this way because I have high expectations, but while that’s true, it was a rationalization–an excuse I gave myself to justify my behavior. The truth is that living your values is hard, and I wasn’t yet ready and, as a young professional, didn’t know how and felt ashamed to ask for help.

    I could tell myself I was being kind when being stern, even blunt. But one day, I realized I was making excuses and didn’t recognize myself anymore. I was not who I wanted to be, and behaving that way wasn’t comfortable. It seemed scary to be present when I wasn’t sure how to say what needed to be said. But I decided that I had to do it, and no matter how much I fumbled, I had to live my values and be more kind and accepting.

    For each of your core values, in the last exercise, ask yourself these three questions:

    1. Are there any people with whom you have difficulty living this value? Maybe your romantic partner, parent, sibling, coworker, or friend?
    2. Are there any situations that make it difficult for you to practice this value? Where are you, and what are you doing when you don’t practice these values? For example, maybe you’re at work, at home, out at a bar, on social media, in the car, or at the daycare center.
    3. Is there anything else that makes it difficult for you to live your values? For example, maybe you live your values at the start of the day, but by nighttime, they are a distant memory.

    Once you’ve identified what triggers you to veer away from your core values, it’s essential to identify how these experiences affect you in this way.

    Ask yourself what thoughts, feelings, or bodily sensations lead you to behave differently than you would like to. Also, ask if any people or situations lead you away from your values.

    The emotions that trigger you may be the same across all situations, or they may be different. Write down anything that you think might lead you away from your values. These emotions, thoughts, and associated bodily sensations are the foundation of what causes you to abandon your values. When we act in a way inconsistent with our values, we attempt to regulate or reduce our negative emotions, even temporarily. By acknowledging this and changing your habits, you can start to live by your values and improve your lives. Changing your life is never easy, but it’s always worth it.

  • How to Stop Stress Eating and Bingeing in 5 Steps

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    blog title graphic with pink modern flowers on a beige background that says, 5 steps to stop stress eating and binging powerfulcalm.com

    Stress eating and bingeing is pretzel logic.

    When you eat well most of the time, but something stressful happens, and your mind immediately turns to eating, the twists and turns of rationalizing it are short-lived. When stress eating and bingeing take hold of you, the fallout is tinged with guilt, shame, and regret. The big question is, how do you get out of the cycle?

    The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know. We feel it in a thousand things.​

    Blaise Pascal

    Stress eating makes sense; it’s just not logical. Human emotions are connected to conscious and unconscious memories, thoughts and perceptions. You have an experience, and your thoughts shape how you describe it. The unconscious memories aren’t language-based but are emotional and give a “felt sense” or vibe about situations. Stress eating is often the fuel for calm at any cost that’s difficult to understand and put into words.

    There’s a clash between what’s conscious (food choices that enhance health) and unconscious emotional stress (stress eating regardless of what you know) that can feel like a compulsion or addiction you’re powerless over.

    Stress eating calms your brain in the short term. 

    For many people, when stressed, eating often turns into a binge. Which ten results in feeling even more out of control. And then there’s even more guilt and shame to stress out about than the original stress that let you stress eating.

    You might spiral from fries and a soda for lunch to cupcakes for an afternoon snack, a fancy coffee, or an energy drink mid-afternoon when the blood sugar crash hits hard and you’re getting sleepy.

    Since you’re already “off the wagon,” the day worsens when you stop by your favorite fast-food place on the way home. You’ve hit the point of no return and it’s just you and food tonight.

    Maybe tomorrow will be better.

    The food coma is approaching fast.

    When you add it all up, the guilt, shame, and disappointment in yourself can be overwhelming. The solution is – once again, to start a new diet to get back in control. This is the pretzel logic that leads right back to more stress eating!

    When guilt, shame, and disappointment lead to counting calories, cutting out food groups, resistance, and feeling good about yourself, it will never happen!

    Dieting doesn’t work that way.

    But does it help you to stop stress eating and bingeing?

    I would guess your answer is no; it just makes trying the same old solution worse without a different outcome.

    You probably find that your feelings for yourself aren’t generous or kind. Sadness and frustration make it challenging to see other options.

    For the people I work with, the feelings after stress eating can be more hurtful than eating the food.

    Stress eating is like putting a band-aid on your car after an accident.

    Even though an accident and care are needed, the band-aid will not fix the problem.

    Counting calories is a way to set boundaries for yourself; no matter how much this solution makes things worse, it’s essential to acknowledge the goal. Boundaries can be helpful and kind when they are thoughtful and lead to better outcomes.

    You want to feel more in control than the food controlling you.

    How much of your day is spent tracking and making decisions about what you can or can’t eat based on the data collected on your phone app?

    You can transform your relationship with food from external control (calorie counting/apps) to internal control (developing a trusting relationship with yourself and your body). Keep reading and I’ll teach you how!

    The battle needs to shift from fighting with food for control to working with your needs and taking good care of yourself.

    Battles are externally driven. The focus is on what you’re doing wrong and how you can wrestle control from the stress of eating and bingeing.

    Taking care of your needs is a fundamental shift in the metaphor. It’s the thing that got you into this situation in the first place. Focusing on food to meet your emotional needs leads to emotional eating.

    When you first stop dieting for control, it can seem like you’ll stop paying attention to your health, or you’ll thoughtlessly eat whatever, whenever, however.

    But that’s not the way a healthy relationship with yourself works. A respectful relationship does not allow hurtful, destructive situations to continue in the name of love. That’s the opposite of health.

    Loving limits develop from your awareness of what you need and support you in mind, body, and heart.

    Transforming your relationship with yourself and food is a permanent fix. It’s one of those situations where you get to a point where it’s impossible not to listen with self-compassion and clarity about your needs anymore. That’s when stress eating and bingeing isn’t a problem anymore.

    Here are five things to do instead of stress eating:

    1. Track your feelings.

    If you’re not ready to let go of tracking, write down what you’ve eaten and feeling instead of tracking calories. This will give you much more helpful information.

    It’s the beginning point of developing a supportive relationship. Knowing what you think about what you’ve eaten and how you feel physically and emotionally after your meal or snack will give you information you can use the next time you think a similar way.

    If you’re not ready to let go of tracking, write down what you’ve eaten and feeling instead of tracking calories. This will give you much more helpful information.

    It’s the beginning point of developing a supportive relationship. Knowing what you think about what you’ve eaten and how you feel physically and emotionally after your meal or snack will give you information you can use the next time you think a similar way.

    2. Stop making judgments.

    A judgmental attitude leads to black-and-white thinking.

    There’s a mini court of law in your head with a conviction and you’re the guilty party. Sentencing is quickly handed out. There is no appeals process.

    The judgment is you’re mistaken, or the food you enjoyed is terrible, and dieting is good. It’s that fundamental. But life is filled with nuance and transforming judgment into curiosity leads to possibilities.

    Curiosity gives you space to think about a situation from all sides, identify how you feel and determine what you need to do for yourself. It takes time and care and you’re more than worth the effort.

    3. Plan your meals instead of leaving it up to whatever!

    When you know what you will eat for each meal, you take the guesswork out of leaving your meals up to chance.

    When you know what you’re having for lunch or dinner, you will feel more in control because you are making choices for yourself – the ultimate control.

    Be sure to eat meals you enjoy and provide the nutrition your body needs to run well.

    I can’t stress this enough: planning meals without some measure of pleasure will lead you to avoid them. Make sure you look forward to your meal by giving yourself a pause in the day to enjoy yourself (even better if you eat with someone interesting).

    4. Make sure you get enough sleep.

    Your body will look for quick energy when you drag through the day because you’re tired.

    Your ability to make clear choices for yourself will be significantly diminished. You’ll find yourself making impulsive decisions you aren’t comfortable with in the long run.

    The urge to count calories and feel back in control may be even stronger, and the cycle starts all over again.

    Rest is essential to feeling good, having the mental and physical energy, and making choices to fuel your life.

    5. Decide what type of relationship you want to have with your body.

    It’s like learning to swim. Eventually, you let go of the wall and trust that you have learned how to tread water in the pool’s deep end.

    You’re a little unsure, so you stay within arm’s reach. As your confidence grows, you move further away from the wall. It gets more accessible, but it’s also tiring.

    You only have so much strength for one day. As you practice, you get stronger and more confident, and before you know it, you’re swimming like a mermaid! 

    This is the same thing that happens when breaking free from stress eating. It’s difficult to trust yourself; as you do, the trust in yourself will grow, and you will find yourself redefining your relationship with food, your body, and yourself.

    In sum, transforming your relationship with yourself is one of the most positive things you can do. You can learn to treat yourself with kindness and self-compassion while setting limits that are a natural extension of a conscious relationship with yourself.

  • 6 Simple and Effective Habits for Happiness in Life

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    Are you just starting your happiness journey? 

    Even if you’ve been on the path of happiness for a while, building a foundation that helps accelerate your growth means you can be happier sooner than you think!

    I had no idea what to do when I graduated with my doctorate. My mentor and I planned to work together, but she passed away unexpectedly just a few weeks after graduation. I had my cancer treatment coming up at the end of that month. The plan was to give me a month to recover. I couldn’t be around my kids while I was radioactive, so a bit of time was needed. The reality was that I needed to go back to work. At the same time, it was challenging to be positive – quasi requirements for a coach – when so much of my own life was mired in grief and disappointment.

    My experience probably doesn’t surprise you. To grow something sustainable, you must start with the basics, which is also valid for learning happiness. We can make it easier for ourselves to build happiness when we choose supportive habits as the foundation. Here’s how to get started.

    Get a Quick Win with Something Easy and Fun

    Researchers believe that some happiness habits are more accessible to build than others. So rather than starting with whatever happiness habit is currently the most popular—meditation or self-care —you’re better off starting with more straightforward or fun habits.

    The broaden-and-build theory suggests that experiencing positive emotions broadens your mindset and builds your psychological, intellectual, and social resources, allowing you to benefit more from your experiences. 

    By starting with easy or fun practices, you may get a jumpstart in happiness and boost your sense of self-efficacy that propels you forward in the happiness-building process. Luckily, there are lots of these easier-starter activities online now.

    One study showed that people who felt more positive emotions at the beginning of a happiness program reported more significant improvements at the end. By going after the more straightforward and accessible parts of happiness, you can build confidence and good feelings that may help you tackle the trickier skills later.

    Which Habits Are Easy to Start With?

    1. Savoring

    One habit that researchers believe is relatively easy to build is savoring good things in your life (like a memorable trip or awe-inspiring concert) by continuing to reflect on them and share them with others. On the flip side, surveys suggest that learning mindfulness can be relatively tricky, as beginners may struggle and become cognitively depleted.

    2. Fun

    Another good way to start is with something fun. The Greater Good Science Center’s Science of Happiness course invited students to try out ten different happiness practices and (at the end of the course) reflect on their experience. The surveys showed that among those 10, students most enjoyed mindful breathing, awe exercises, gratitude journaling, and listing three good things. They found these practices to be a better fit—aligned more with their internal values and natural inclinations—than practices like forgiveness or self-compassion.

    3. Be Present

    In a 2012 study, people picked which activities to practice. They selected exercises related to setting goals, savoring the present moment, and recording gratitude more frequently than thinking optimistically, savoring the past, expressing gratitude to others, and recording acts of kindness. This evidence gives us some idea about which habits are the most enjoyable (or, at least, which ones we think will be most enjoyable).

    So, when starting with happiness habits, try to begin with easy, fun ones—but don’t stop there. More difficult habits are valuable, too. 

    Get more bang for your buck with high-impact habits

    Some habits have a more significant impact on happiness than others.

    I recently asked a group of clients about which well-being habits contribute most to their happiness. They said feeling positive about themselves and improving their self-relationship generates more happiness than the rest.

    4. Optimism

    Other research supports this idea. For example, researchers found that one group of habits that highly impacts happiness in the long run shapes what you pay attention to. This includes practices like anticipating good things in the future, paying attention to the positives rather than the negatives of a situation, and reflecting on good things that happened in the past.

    5. Movement

    One of the most important habits is movement. The focus isn’t necessarily to “get in shape” but to move your body instead of being inactive. The research suggests that healthy behaviors—like exercise—improve well-being, even among people who struggle to build other types of happiness habits. One study showed that a health enhancement program alleviated depression and increased life satisfaction faster than a mindfulness program among people diagnosed with depression. Although both programs were influential in the long term, the authors argue that positive health habits may more quickly increase well-being, while mindfulness may lead to more gradual but sustained improvements.

    6. Variety

    Using a greater variety of practices, regardless of the practices, may also be beneficial. For example, one study found that compared to a program including fewer types of happiness practices, a happiness program including more practices led to more significant increases in well-being. Other research suggests that the people in happiness programs who engage in more different practices show more significant happiness increases than those who engage in fewer practices. And people who engage in a diverse range of practices and engage in them in more situations seem to show the most benefit.

    Creating any new habit can be challenging, so it’s worth considering which happiness habits to cultivate first. Once you’ve built a few of these habits, you’ll get the hang of it, and building other habits will feel more manageable. Use these tips to start on the right foot and you’ll have the resilience you need to weather any storm.