You might have heard how compassion helps your well-being. But why does it help you, and how does it relate to your well-being? Compassion is feeling the other person’s suffering and wanting to help relieve it. The opposite of compassion may be harshness, judgment, or even callousness. Generally, being indifferent to another’s suffering or hard-hearted is the opposite.
Many researchers hypothesize that humans evolved to experience compassion because the resulting emotions and behaviors improved the survival of our ancestors. All people experience different levels of compassion depending on their own experiences, values, and beliefs about what is possible.
Researchers also found that people are likely to feel compassion for those in their social group since they can better understand the point of view their group holds. There may be an evolutionary basis for this, as they were more likely to survive if they aligned with the group’s goals. Conversely, it’s easier to view competitor groups as outsiders or different and, therefore, feel less compassionate for them.
How is empathy different?
Many people assume compassion and empathy are the same since both emotions are similar and help you feel connected. However, it can be helpful to differentiate their differences in several ways. Researchers define empathy as sharing another’s suffering. At the same time, compassion adds another layer of feeling warmth, concern, and care for the other and a desire to improve the other person’s well-being.
An empathetic response to another can lead the person to move away from the emotional situation to avoid discomfort. The biological drive to avoid pain is intense. However, a compassionate response, which includes a desire to be helpful to the person experiencing pain, often means getting even closer to the emotional situation. Researchers also found that people who feel compassion for others are more likely to help the sufferer than people who feel empathic distress.
Can you learn to be more compassionate?
Research in this area has grown over the last few decades, showing that compassion benefits both the giver and the receiver. There are a variety of positive outcomes in experiencing compassion, including reduced depression and anxiety. So, how do you increase your compassion?
One recent line of research has involved contemplative practices such as meditation to increase compassionate feelings towards others. Loving-kindness meditation, or Metta, is one example of this. This meditation focuses on a short phrase to wish others well and notice the pleasant feelings they experience in the process. Long-term practice of loving-kindness meditation and other meditations with a similar focus functionally change in the brain. One study found that experienced meditators with compassion in their practice have a more robust neural response in an area of the brain associated with compassion than novice meditators.
Fortunately, you don’t have to practice loving-kindness meditation for years to receive its benefits. Other researchers found that a short practice benefits the meditator and the person being mediated. There are numerous guided loving-kindness meditations available that you can try.
Can you be too compassionate?
What is compassion fatigue and how can you prevent it?
The benefits of feeling and expressing compassion are clear. However, the research also shows there are disadvantages, and that’s when compassion fatigue can happen. Compassion fatigue is defined as “a more user-friendly term for secondary traumatic stress disorder, which is nearly identical to PTSD, except that it applies to those emotionally affected by the trauma of another.”
Compassion fatigue is an emotional investment many experience with others they care about. Even if you’re not in the helping professions, you can still experience compassion fatigue related to someone you’re close to.
Compassion fatigue is similar to burnout, but compassion fatigue includes “absorbing” the other’s emotional experience. Burnout focuses on the stressful situations in your own life.
Conclusion
Compassion brings us closer to one another and improves both the givers’ and receivers’ lives. While the feeling can lead to adverse outcomes such as compassion fatigue, it has many benefits. Improving self-care practices that support healthy boundaries, emotional mastery and habits that increase well-being can prevent compassion fatigue.
Have you ever noticed that telling yourself – “I should…” leads to more stress, disappointment and self-criticism instead of motivating you to take action?
Sometimes, it seems like ‘I should’ is like a giant electronic billboard in your mind flashing messages like, “I should do more work today,” “I should say yes,” or “I should skip the cake.”
‘I should’ often leads to anything you believe will help you break free from being overwhelmed, overcommitted and stressed out to the point where you lose sight of your goals.
So many negative thoughts designed to keep you in line and follow the ‘I should’ find their way into your life. They usually come in quick succession, “I’m lazy,” “I’m not a nice person,” or “I don’t have any willpower,” and the goal fades into the background.
“I should…” functions as a limit you ultimately set for yourself, but it lacks commitment to follow through. It’s a way to feel wrong about something you don’t want.
The result is feeling guilt, shame, hopelessness, etc. To feel better and lift your mood, it’s easy to reach for food and stress eating is the result.
This is the opposite of feeling motivated and adopting a growth mindset that leads to possibility. With this mindset, your relationship with yourself moves toward following your dreams and accomplishing your goals.
Take a moment and close your eyes; think of the phrase, “I should.” What feelings do you notice? Are they positive or negative? Hopeful or hopeless?
Now, take another moment and think of the phrase, “I can.” What feelings do you notice? Do you have options you can take? Do you feel like you have choices?
This subtle shift from ‘I should’ to ‘I can’ opens your mind to new possibilities.
You might take a risk and see how it works out, you might make a decision that doesn’t go anywhere and there’s an excellent possibility that with a bit of focus on “can,” you will make decisions that propel you more fully into your life.
Challenging the way you talk to yourself helps you improve your self-relationship.
What would change if you spoke to yourself in a similar way that a great coach speaks to their team? I can think of a few things that would change. You must be clear encouraging, challenge doubts, and hold yourself accountable to move forward, especially when it’s complicated.
This one change in your self-talk can change how you think of yourself and your ability to go after a goal.
I believe that you have what you need already. You probably think life can improve since you’re here reading this post. But, even if you’re skeptical, that’s OK, keep moving forward. , the fact that you’ve read to this point is verification that you have hope for your future. Maybe you need some ideas to get you there?
Keep reading to learn how ‘I should’ holds you back and strategy to break through the limitations.
Here are 7 ways that ‘I should’ holds you back and alternatives to keep you moving:
1. ‘I should’ leads to shame
Brene Brown referred to Jungian psychology’s view of shame as the swamp land of the soul.
Shame is the feeling that there’s something wrong with you. When you make a mistake, it’s not about the error; it’s about the false belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. ‘I should…’ leads to failing to do what you think you need to do; when you don’t, you’re a terrible person. It’s emotional in the swamp land.
Alternative:
We all do things that we need to apologize for. We’re all human; trying to muddle through mistakes is part of lifelong learning. You can create a more hospitable environment within yourself instead of a shameful one. Take responsibility when you need to and forgive yourself. You can use the experience to become a better you. Self-compassion will lead you out of the shame swamp.
2. ‘I should’ leads to guilt
‘Guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one’s actions or lack of action.’ -Audre Lord.
Guilt is the feeling of self-blame for having done something wrong. Like shame, we all do things that aren’t helpful or nice, selfish or unkind. Guilt can hold you accountable so you understand the effect of your actions on others and yourself. When ‘I should’ enters the picture, you are grounding your guilt on something that hasn’t occurred. It’s like feeling bad about not having the future you think you need but cannot make happen.
Alternative:
Kindness and choice lead to action and allow you to make choices. Guilt traps you, stops you; you’re at a standstill. The choice is active; you lean forward and gain momentum toward action. Choice can change you and with a bit of kindness mixed in for good measure, you can make choices that move your life forward.
3. ‘I should’ limits possibilities
When you start feeling wrong about the future, your ability to think about other possibilities or options narrows. “I should” creates an environment where your thoughts loop around the perceived failure rather than looking at the situation clearly and asking yourself what you can do better. Looking toward better outcomes in the future promotes growth and gets your creativity focused on new ideas for a better tomorrow.
Alternative:
Take a moment or an hour or a day to step back from the “I should…” The distance can help you gain perspective on the situation. Feeling wrong about something doesn’t get anyone in a positive frame of mind. Spend some time in nature, get some fresh air and go for a walk. When you get your body moving, feel the wind on your cheek, and the sunshine warming your skin, it’s easier to be present, think about what you want and define your goal. The possibilities are endless.
4. ‘I should’ makes your world smaller
Should closes your world in around you. It keeps you fixed on the viewpoint that this is how things have always been and how they will stay! It’s like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh; his expectations are limited. He expects that he will always receive less than he wants or deserves. His world is small even when his friends offer to help him, his energy is low, his expectations are low, and he stays emotionally low. He can’t see past his current situation.
Alternative:
There are problems in life. We all have them; some are of our own making and others not. You can look at them as they are, consider your options and make a plan. Sometimes, the process is slow, and sometimes, you’ll know right away what works. Problems come and go. It’s your actions that make the difference. Being conscious of your choices makes your world more extensive and gives you more options.
5. ‘I should’ keeps you from what you want
Sometimes, people return to their childhood, college, early career, etc. They look at the events or choices they made, assume a direct cause-and-effect relationship between the past and the present, and justify their regret about where they are today. Reviewing the past from this framework is one of the most effective ways to stay stuck on the disappointments you’ve suffered rather than focus on what you need to do to get where you want to be.
Alternative:
With an abundance of self-compassion and kindness, you can understand the underpinnings of the choices you made/make through the lenses of your history. The danger in giving a painful past more energy is that it keeps you locked in the pain. Understanding and action allow you to move beyond the circumstances that got you here. Kindness, compassion, and love lead to better things.
6. ‘I should’ keeps you wrapped up in a wish
When should it take away your ability to move forward, hoping and wishing, maybe even longing, enter the picture? This is the stuff of fairy tales. Somehow, the hero will come somewhere to save the day, and everything will be all better. This rarely happens. That another person would know you so well to see what you need and freely give it to you, resulting in your fulfillment. Hopefully, most babies receive this kind of love and care, but as you grow, you become more complex, and it becomes nearly impossible to know precisely what another wants.
Alternative:
Hopes and wishes are essential to moving forward and must be accompanied by doing what’s necessary to make things happen. You have to take the actions that move you forward. Without taking action, you are a dreamer without a plan. Be a dreamer with a plan. That’s where you can be assured something will happen that moves you closer to what you need and want.
7. ‘I should’ is the illusion of responsibility that masks a fear of change
Fear of change is real, even when change would give you something much better than you currently have. Responsibility comes in many forms and one form is not masking the reality. Focusing on being responsible when it’s not necessary seems honorable, but that dynamic serves a different need. The reality is that it takes you further away from where you want to be to keep things the same. Change takes courage.
Alternative:
Change, even when wanted, is challenging – it takes focused, intentional effort. It’s easier to stay the same and do nothing. The price is that your hope fades a little bit every day that you’re stuck. When you tell yourself, ‘I should,’ it’s an attempt to accept responsibility, but the result is being stuck. Effective responsibility is putting yourself out there, taking short-term risks, and being a little uncomfortable to experience long-term fulfillment.
Conclusion
When you take the risk to move away from “I should” and step more fully into your life, you get closer to what you want. Action can lead you to growth in the direction your life needs to be. Life usually doesn’t guarantee happiness and fulfillment every day; at the same time, there are many beautiful days ahead.
Learn how to stop repetitive thoughts and get practical tips to help you quiet your mind.
Repetitive thoughts, or thoughts that circle round and round, are called rumination. The repetitive thoughts usually focus on the following:
why a situation is the way it is or the cause
what could happen because of the situation or the consequences
how or what the person is experiencing or the symptoms
For example, when something embarrassing happens, it’s unpleasant, which can result in thinking about the situation over and over after it is over. When you ruminate about something negative, it often feels like you can’t turn off the thoughts, which usually leads to feeling even worse. That’s how repetitive thoughts transform a situation from a regular human fumble into a big event that leaves you feeling emotionally spent, ashamed and regretful.
Here are some things that may lead to rumination:
Stressors (kids, work, relationships, money)
A traumatic event (chronic illness diagnosis, unexpected accident/loss, natural disaster)
Perfectionism
Low self-esteem
Facing a fear
Reminders of a past mistake or failure
2 Types of Rumination
Repetitive thoughts or ruminations with a quality of being obsessive are one of two types: reflective or brooding. Reflective rumination is a cycle of thinking focused on problem-solving. Brooding rumination is passively comparing your situation to a standard you haven’t attained.
Brooding usually leads to negative self-talk, which can then lead to a cycle of negative coping behaviors, such as pessimism, comparisons, worry, stress-related eating, drinking, over-exercise and the list can go on and on.
On the other hand, reflective rumination, while uncomfortable, is more forward-thinking. It involves thinking about changing the situation and relieving stress to get unstuck from the repetitive thought cycle.
How to Stop Repetitive Thoughts
1. Gratitude
Showing gratitude can seem far too simple, yet the research suggests that gratitude teaches repetitive thoughts. Practicing gratitude can lead to being more appreciative of difficult situations and lead to strategies that transform them into positive ones. Starting a gratitude practice is simple. It could be listing three things you’re grateful for in your day before you go to sleep, saying ‘thank you,’ or even smiling at someone who has helped you. Small gestures of kindness and appreciation can go a long way.
2. Body Scan
Body awareness can help you be in the present moment instead of focusing on the past, which is what repetitive thinking does. A body scan lets you locate your body in space and time and supports your ability to stay grounded in the present. Do a quick body scan the next time you notice thoughts cycling in your brain. You can start with your feet or at the top of your head. Pay attention to physical sensations – your feet, legs, torso, arms, neck and head will all feel slightly different. Allow the experience to ground you in the present moment and focus only on your body scan. You’ll notice that the repetitive thoughts are quiet as you give your brain a new task to focus on.
3. Meditation
Consistent meditators with long-term meditation practice report fewer instances of both rumination and depression. Meditating can help improve your emotional awareness by staying present and reducing your focus on regrets. Meditating also helps to strengthen self-compassion, which is essential when the repetitive thoughts focus on mistakes or negative situations.
4. Stop Overthinking
Many studies in the psychology literature show paying too much attention to your thoughts leads to distress. Most people who struggle with repetitive thoughts report their thoughts are about negative situations or evaluations of themself. Many repetitive thoughts are likely focused on shortcomings in your life, your ability to control your emotions, or relationships. Mindfulness can give you some mental space and reduce overthinking so you can transform it into increased self-awareness.
5. Self-compassion
Rumination is often focused on a negative interpretation of a situation and self-criticism usually follows, resulting in fueling the repetitive thought cycle. The antidote can be found in a self-compassion practice. The psychology research shows that a self-compassion practice makes it less likely that adverse situations will lead to repetitive thoughts and depression. Another benefit of self-compassion is it can help reduce overthinking by getting you outside of yourself and connecting you with others.
Conclusion
If you struggle with repetitive thoughts or rumination, the tips above can help you stop overthinking and break the cycle. The result is that you feel less isolated, so you can interrupt the cycle. The first step is to take action and break the cycle so you’re in control of your thoughts.
