Month: August 2023

  • 3 Keys You Need to Practice Self-Acceptance

    • by
    blog title graphic of a peach modern flower on a beige background that says 3 Keys you need to practice self-acceptance powerfulcalm.com

    Have you heard this advice on how to practice self-acceptance?

    • love yourself regardless of your body
    • you need to love yourself and you’ll overcome your ‘trouble spots’ and learn to love them
    • you need to (fill in the blank – work harder, practice acceptance, stop focusing on the negative, etc.) a little more

    If I had a penny for every time a client has told me some version of one of the statements above…

    It seems that this type of advice makes logical sense. But the problem is that it treats your body as a thing or object you can easily change. It’s like you’re a sculptor and your body is a lump of clay easily shaped, molded and manipulated.

    But you’re probably not a sculptor and your body isn’t easily changed either.

    The reality is that you’re more than your body. Your mind and body can’t be separated, and as much as you may try to treat your body as if you can mold it at will, the further down the road of disappointment you’ll find yourself.

    Developing a self-acceptance based on calm and clarity fuels a self-relationship that moves you to what you want in life.

    Although you may have a guess, it’s impossible to know what someone is thinking or what their beliefs are when they remain private.

    What isn’t private is another person’s body. You might even have a judgment or two based on your observation.  

    The boundaries between what is okay to comment, what is okay to wear, or even the acceptable language to describe the body are unclear in modern society. Yet, all of these things do communicate something.

    We see this daily from pop stars wearing costumes as bare as the censors will allow, detailed discussions of their food choices and workout play-by-plays on social media to commercials selling the idea of, “I’m so bad eating this decadently sinful treat!”

    Through your body, you experience life in shape, texture, color, vibrance, pleasure and pain. When you practice self-acceptance – all of your life – the “full catastrophe,” as Zorba said in the movie Zorba the Greek, you have a fantastic chance of being happy.

    Who decides what’s acceptable?

    We’re also bombarded with visual and mental images of the correct, most desirable, perfect shape to strive to become. It comes from the media, family, and cultural ideas about what’s best.

    The question is, who’s in charge of deciding what this should be?

    It is expected to make assumptions about who’s healthy and who isn’t based on snap judgments about appearance. Sometimes, you might even do this in your thoughts about your body.

    One of the challenges in modern society is figuring out how to trust your self-knowledge when so much conflicting information is available.

    There are too many choices, and coming at you fast makes you feel overwhelmed and unclear.

    The good news is that the process of change is directly opposite!

    Lasting change takes time.

    Change requires you to disconnect from your judgments and instead allow yourself to be in a state of curiosity.

    The most important place to start is self-acceptance. Don’t click away; that’s not code for “let yourself off the hook.” Let me explain… there’s more than meets the eye here!

    Acceptance does NOT mean:

    • stagnation
    • giving up your goals
    • learning to love where you are right now regardless of your desire to change

    Life is constantly moving and shifting and so are you. You can change your life, body, relationships, talk to yourself, and many more things at any time to practice self-acceptance.

    Self-acceptance is a process.

    What acceptance means will change over time as you grow. It means integrating where you are right now while focusing on the bigger goals you have for your life!

    Acceptance aims to help you get from where you are today and point you toward greater consciousness and growth.

    With the increased consciousness, you can thoughtfully plan with care and kindness.

    The benefit is that the changes you make are more refined and speak to what you genuinely want…the possibilities are endless.

    Making conscious change

    Conscious change is a process that works best with a focused, step-by-step approach.

    It can look like:

    • learning
    • integrating
    • experimenting with what works or what doesn’t
    • shifting and adjusting
    • acclimating to the new reality

    When you lose sight of the big picture where patience, kindness, and acceptance reside, you can over-focus on specific results as proof of failure rather than a step toward creating the life you want.

    Immediate results would be excellent; however, what you learn about yourself in the struggle to figure it out will help you get what you need – faster!

    Ask yourself this question from time to time: how has your life improved, even when you make small changes?

    Conscious change allows you to focus on small changes step by step. It helps keep you motivated so you continue adjusting your actions and continually iterate, even if it takes a while.

    How people change

    In the past 30 years or so, much research and development has been published about change, the process of change and what motivates people to change.

    The Transtheoretical Model of Change was founded by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente (for more information, look here) and is systematically and practically applied with Motivational Interviewing, founded by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick (for more information, look here).

    The Model of Change, while initially used to understand how to help people struggling with substance abuse stay on the road to recovery, has been expanded. Professionals in health, business, conflict resolution, etc., also find the stages helpful to understand how people make changes and what helps at each stage of change to stay on course.

    For most people struggling with stress eating—those who have dieted and dieted and dieted and want to get off that particular merry-go-round—the insights about how people decide to change and what is necessary to pivot in another direction are helpful. Self-acceptance is a big part of it (for more information on the decision to change, look here).

    Truly looking in the mirror and being transparent with where you are right now free you from evaluation and judgment so you can practice self-acceptance and make the change you need in your life.

    There are three ways to do this – Knowing, Consciousness and Peace.

    1. Knowing

    You know that you have to do something differently for things to change and it’s painful to go through the process.

    It’s complicated when you want things to change, whether it’s for your body to be different, your relationship with food to be different, or to feel like you can be present in the moment so you can change things.

    A question that helps to narrow the focus is:

    What is the most concrete thing that will lead to results you can see, feel, experience, and trust your self-knowledge so that you can practice self-acceptance?

    Often, the answer reverts to a quick fix like a diet. “Six weeks to bikini ready” or “do this cleanse and break free from sugar cravings.” It’s enticing but not sustainable.

    Ultimately, you know that these tactics don’t lead to long-term change. You want freedom from stress, stress eating, and burnout.

    It’s a challenge to keep moving forward when the path is unsure and the changes you experience are ones you only feel from the inside.

    Acceptance is the path to a long-term transformation of your relationship with your body, allowing yourself to begin where you are each day and keep moving forward.

    2. Consciousness

    Recognize where you are in the change process and decide to take action.

    It takes grit to stay the course of the slow road to change.

    If stress eating is what you want to change, every time you log on to social media, go to the grocery store, or even have lunch with a friend, you will be reminded that the process you have decided is best for you and it takes patience with yourself to stay on track.

    Trust the process, notice how you’re different today than yesterday and celebrate your success by honoring yourself – moment by moment.

    You are learning what you need to fuel your mind, body, and heart for the rest of your life.

    3. Peace

    Find what works for you and be confident in your changes so you can live with peace of mind.

    Freedom is knowing that you’re in control of your life.

    You can reach a point where you no longer unconsciously give your power away.

    When you treat yourself with respect and love, you can open yourself up and getting stuck on short-term results becomes a thing of the past, and you can practice self-acceptance.

    Self-acceptance is caring for yourself with kindness, love, and compassion.

    Kindness is the pathway toward change.

    Compassion is the fuel for a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

    Self-acceptance ultimately leads to more self-love.

    Conclusion

    For too long, women, in particular, have accepted that feeling poorly about their bodies and disappointment in their lives is the norm. The implication that women should accept being unhappy is madness!

    If you can take the leap of faith—that love, kindness and compassion are the fuel that will help you change and support you to be where you want to be in life—then you already have a robust and supportive foundation to accept yourself and live the joyful life you want!

  • 5 Practical Ways to Be Calm and Release Stress!

    • by
    blog post title graphic with a modern red flower on a beige background that says 5 Practical Ways to Be Calm and Release Stress powerfulcalm.com

    Be calm and release stress with these 5 science-backed strategies.

    Maybe you’re feeling stressed about the future, disappointed about a relationship, frustrated about your life’s direction, or all of the above. These emotions can lead to an activated sympathetic nervous system. This matters because it’s difficult to know how to release stress and become calm again when you feel stressed or anxious.

    Calming stress or anxiety typically means that you’ve returned to your baseline level or your normal resting state, called homeostasis. Most people experience relief, fewer negative emotions, and a sense of well-being when they’re in this state.

    Stress has so many negative consequences that learning strategies to calm emotions and think clearly about your needs can directly benefit your well-being.

    Check out these simple and effective strategies to be calm – no matter what happens!

    1. Mindfulness Skills

    Mindfulness-based skills can reduce anxiety and depression, which are significant stressors in life. Sometimes, it’s a chicken or egg situation – did the stress lead to anxiety and depression, or does anxiety and depression lead to increased stress? Regardless of what happened first, mindfulness helps a lot of people. Mindfulness isn’t helpful for everyone and can result in negative experiences, so if you find it’s not for you, there are other options. But, it is a great tool to be calm and release stress when it works. Often, mindful meditations are guided, which helps you stay focused on your breathing and not on the thoughts that lead to more anxiety, depression, or stress.

    2. ​Thought Stopping

    It’s normal and even helpful to think about the difficulties in life. You might replay a horrible interaction you had with someone over and over again in your mind. Or you might keep going over your actions if the worst happened. This can help you figure out what you need to do to repair the hurt and hopefully prevent it in the future. But going over and over it like a stuck record at some point becomes rumination or uncontrolled repetitive thought cycles.

    Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to stop. There is a saying, “neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means that your thoughts can become habits and it becomes easier for your brain to keep thinking similarly. So, it can be difficult when you decide to break out of negative thought patterns.

    One of the best ways to stop repetitive thoughts is to shift the brain by focusing on something else. Forcing the brain to stop—rarely works, but action does. Your brain needs to have something to do for it to change. Distraction, changing what you pay attention to, can’t help but shift the focus. Taking a cold shower or walking briskly can grab your attention and work well. Science suggests that these strategies do help calm us down. You can also try other things – reading, watching a movie or video, calling a friend, engaging in an artistic hobby, or listening to music. There are many more, but the key is to find an activity that captures your attention (FYI, you may need to try several to find one that works).

    3. Journal

    Daily journaling about emotional experiences can result in minor and meaningful improvements in mental and physical health. ​Repetitive thoughts about the past, playing it over and over again in your head, is unhelpful; sometimes, writing about a painful experience helps to get it out of your head. This seems to be freeing and breaking the cycle, which might be why journaling can be helpful.

    Other types of journaling can help increase your ability to be calm and release stress. Gratitude journaling is another journaling that the research shows is beneficial for your well-being. When you shift your focus to what you’re grateful for, you can decrease negative and increase positive emotions, making you feel calmer.

    4. Yoga

    Yoga has been a popular mental and physical wellness activity for many years. It can help with your physical well-being by increasing your movement. It increases your flexibility and relaxes tense muscles as well. It’s also a way to calm and relax the body and mind together. The calming effect of yoga, something practitioners have known for centuries, is confirmed by current research. Doing yoga regularly can lower cortisol levels, a hormone that increases when stressed. If yoga helps you feel good, it can also support your mind and body as you calm down stress and anxiety.

    5. ​Practice Acceptance

    Relaxation techniques like those described above can help to prevent and lower negative emotional experiences. However, for some people, they can paradoxically increase negative emotional experiences. Mindfulness, yoga, and journaling aren’t for everyone. Sometimes, the solution is to practice Acceptance and passivity (versus control) over the body and mind. This is to say that instead of focusing on the outcome – less stress- we need to focus on the process – do the calming or relaxing strategies improve your quality of life? For example, instead of taking deep breaths expecting an immediate result, ‘Am I calm yet,’ focus on being present, allow yourself to experience your emotions as they happen, and then resolve them in your own time.

    In Sum

    Sometimes, stress relief seems like a distant goal, but simplifying simplifies it. Practical tools that support being calm and releasing stress can be as simple as paying attention, shifting your attention, getting ‘it’ out of your mind, or even allowing yourself to accept that stress happens and feelings can be intense and diffuse. Tell me, which strategy do you think you’ll try?

  • How to Gain Momentum without Stress Eating or Burning Out

    • by
    blog title graphic with modern green leaves and black flowers on a beige background that says, how to gain momentum without stress eating or burning out powerfulcal.com

    Learn the 5 steps needed to keep up your forward momentum without stress eating or burning out.

    Cathartic – bringing about relief from strong emotions, usually by expressing them (Merriam-Webster).

    We are encouraged to “just get it out and you’ll feel better,” which is true often. Most of my clients feel relieved when they talk through pent-up feelings. It’s the feeling of a weight being lifted off their shoulders. And the result is feeling less stressed, even for a little bit.  

    Sometimes, an epiphany, spark, insight, or whatever it is called will happen, but that is rare.

    Simply understanding why or when stress eating starts rarely stops it in the future, and your forward momentum without stress eating requires different skills.

    Waiting for the ‘why’ to appear wastes your time and energy. You can use energy to create momentum that moves your life in a less stressful and more positive direction.

    Momentum provides the energy for action-taking so that you receive what you need.

    Instead of spinning around in circles, re-experiencing the emotion repeatedly, harness that energy and use it to transform your relationship with stress eating and burnout.

    You can propel your life into a life of kindness, self-compassion and fulfillment. You can change your relationship with yourself and keep up your momentum without stress eating and burning out.

    The key is to increase your emotional awareness so that you know how to support yourself when you experience a specific emotion.

    Right at the beginning, the most challenging part of the process is the decision to act, and the rest is focus and tenacity.

    Even when stress is high and you feel spen,t youcan stilln make changes that matter.

    The Stages of Change Model is a great framework to understand the change process. Carlo C. DiClemente and J. O. Prochaska conceptualized these changes based on their research about how people can move out of addiction. Many studies have shown that the process is the same regardless of whether it’s addiction, a job, an organization, or stress eating.

    There are five stages of change:

    1. Pre-contemplation – not ready or not aware that there’s a problem.
    2. Contemplation – knowing there’s a problem and you want to do something about it but are not ready yet.
    3. Determination – you make a plan on how to solve the problem.
    4. Action – you take action on your plan to solve the problem.
    5. Maintenance – you do what you need to do to maintain the solution.

    Since you’re reading this article, you’re most likely in the contemplation stage. You know there’s a problem. You want to change it, but you’re unsure how it’s getting to you. Another thought might be that you don’t know if the solution will be any better than the current one, even when you know it’s not helpful. Lastly, you might not be ready to give up the solution, no matter how much it pains you.

    The next stage of determination is when you’re making the plan and using the tools below to help you develop your plan to stop stress, eating and burning out. Your hope is growing and you’re optimistic that life will be better without stress eating.

    Action is the stage where you implement your plan and make adjustments as needed. As you progress in this stage, you’ll experience relief from stress eating and the peace of Conscious Eating.

    Below is a plan to help you move through these three middle stages of change. Moving through the stress is worth the effort, so you can live free from stress eating and prevent burnout.

    Here is the 5-step process to work with your feelings and gain momentum without stress eating or burning out.

    1. Get the feeling out.

    This is where it’s all about catharsis. Get the feeling out of your head and on paper through journaling, in conversation with someone, in artwork, etc. Just get it outside of yourself so you can get a little distance from it living inside you.

    Go outside and experience the feeling while getting fresh air and perspective.

    Focus on how you experience the feeling and any new insight about it.

    Allow yourself time to understand the feeling as you experience it. The more you consciously experience the feeling, the more awareness of what can help increases.

    2. Specifically, identify the feeling.

    The next step is to increase your knowledge of the feeling you’re experiencing.

    What sense do you have of the feeling?

    What does it feel like in your body?

    Does the feeling increase anxiety, anger, impatience, or something else?

    This will help you figure out what you need to calm the feeling.

    When you listen to what your mind, body and heart communicate, you’ll have the necessary information to move to the next step.

    3. Specifically, identify the feelings surrounding the situation.

    Take note of the more minor feelings that pop up as you spin around the feeling that’s got your attention.

    What other aspects of the feeling are you noticing? Sometimes, it’s helpful to think of them as sub-feelings. Think of them in terms of percentages. It might be 10 percent of one feeling, 30 percent of another, 70 percent of a different one.

    These feelings add to the quality of the main feeling you’re experiencing. They will help you understand your relationship with yourself more fully.

    They also help you to define what you need from yourself, your body and others.

    4. Specifically, define what you need.

    Now that you have a pretty good idea of the qualities of the feeling you’re experiencing and the more minor feelings that help to shape your experience.

    Take a step back and look at the big picture –

    What is it that you wish you could have to make it better?

    Are there skills that could calm or soothe the feeling?

    What will get you closer to your goal?

    5. Now, take a few minutes and think about a variety of choices you can make to move you closer to living your life more fully, more consciously.

    This can even include “not yet.” It’s okay to take time for planning. The challenge is increasing your awareness of when you’re scared and procrastinating so you’ll know when it’s time to take the leap and get moving.

    Conclusion

    Getting started is often the most challenging part of any journey. Moving from a standstill takes more energy than taking one step after another. When you feel burned out, it takes even more energy. Yet, when you change a bit at a time, it adds up and can change everything.

    Most of the time, people get overwhelmed by feelings because they’ve never known that understanding your emotions is a skill that can be learned at any point in life. Gaining momentum without stress eating or burnout is easier when you have a framework to manage your emotions. Today is the day that changes for you!