How to Fearlessly Live Your Core Values

Identify your core values and learn how to live by them to build greater happiness.

Sometimes, you can go through life without paying much attention. Maybe you move from one thing to the next, playing on your phone, without considering whether your actions match what you believe is essential – core values. But when you go through life without following your values, you can lose yourself and your ability to generate real happiness.

Want to identify what your core values are and learn how to live them? Keep reading…

Identify Your Values

When you identify your values, you design a life that better aligns with your true self. It’s important to remember that values differ for everyone—you are the only one who can identify your values.

Think about the list of values below. Write down any of the values that feel right for you. Add any other values you find that aren’t on the list.

Values List:

Next, note your three to five most important values. For each of these, write down three or more actions defining what it means to live by these values. For example, if you value loyalty, actions might include forgiving a friend for a betrayal, negotiating fair treatment at work to ensure your commitment to your employer, or choosing not to engage in extramarital affairs.

Now, write down one thing you have done that does not reflect each of your top three to five values. For example, if you value fun, it’s a more action-oriented choice to take the time and effort to look for fun activities to pursue.

Next, write down what you could do differently next time. Maybe instead of bracing for the worst, you could think about what might go right, what you might learn, or what cool things you must look forward to. This activity may teach you that you can live closer to your values.

It might be hard to follow through. Maybe you need to –

• stop stress eating
• change jobs
• have a difficult conversations

It’s easy to go with the flow, keep the peace and lose sight of your values. It’s much harder to live by our values and do what suits us in the long run.

What if you haven’t been living your values?

For one woman I know—a kind, intelligent, caring person—the rift between her values and actions became apparent when she left her boyfriend’s home to gain attention and physical satisfaction from other men. It was clear that her actions went against her values. So even though her actions made her feel good at the moment, she would go home feeling terrible each night.

For another woman I know—a strong, giving, selfless person—the growing gap between her values and actions happened when she started working in her basement office until late to avoid her responsibilities at home. Never had she been the kind of person that couldn’t handle a challenge. Never had she been willing to ignore her kids. But in the middle of the pandemic, she was overwhelmed by constant needs at home and work, all happening simultaneously. She lost track of her ability to give and receive love – one of her highest values. It was only when she reminded herself that her family was the most important thing that she reached out for help and started living her values that she rebuilt her relationships and happiness.

The good news and bad news are that we all hold different ones. The outcome will look different for each user who loses track of our values. Many of us never ask ourselves our values or what would happen if we weren’t living them; the result is feeling lost and not knowing what to do.

By identifying what you need to do to live your values, you can become the person you want to be. And as it gets easier to love yourselves, you start to feel happier.

Live Your Values

When I did a value exercise early in my career, I discovered that kindness is one of my top values. I lived this value in many ways but had some significant gaps. For one, I could be critical of my supervisees, criticizing them for minor things without a kind word. I could tell you I acted this way because I have high expectations, but while that’s true, it was a rationalization–an excuse I gave myself to justify my behavior. The truth is that living your values is hard, and I wasn’t yet ready and, as a young professional, didn’t know how and felt ashamed to ask for help.

I could tell myself I was being kind when being stern, even blunt. But one day, I realized I was making excuses and didn’t recognize myself anymore. I was not who I wanted to be, and behaving that way wasn’t comfortable. It seemed scary to be present when I wasn’t sure how to say what needed to be said. But I decided that I had to do it, and no matter how much I fumbled, I had to live my values and be more kind and accepting.

For each of your core values, in the last exercise, ask yourself these three questions:

1. Are there any people with whom you have difficulty living this value? Maybe your romantic partner, parent, sibling, coworker, or friend?
2. Are there any situations that make it difficult for you to practice this value? Where are you, and what are you doing when you don’t practice these values? For example, maybe you’re at work, at home, out at a bar, on social media, in the car, or at the daycare center.
3. Is there anything else that makes it difficult for you to live your values? For example, maybe you live your values at the start of the day, but by nighttime, they are a distant memory.

Once you’ve identified what triggers you to veer away from your core values, it’s essential to identify how these experiences affect you in this way.

Ask yourself what thoughts, feelings, or bodily sensations lead you to behave differently than you would like to. Also, ask if any people or situations lead you away from your values.

The emotions that trigger you may be the same across all situations, or they may be different. Write down anything that you think might lead you away from your values. These emotions, thoughts, and associated bodily sensations are the foundation of what causes you to abandon your values. When we act in a way inconsistent with our values, we attempt to regulate or reduce our negative emotions, even temporarily. By acknowledging this and changing your habits, you can start to live by your values and improve your lives. Changing your life is never easy, but it’s always worth it.