Self-care

  • How to Stop Weighing Yourself and Feel Good Anyway

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    Weighing yourself is one of the worst ways to feel good about yourself or get a handle on stress eating.

    If you ever stress eating, weighing yourself usually leads to negative thoughts or opinions that prevent you from feeling good about your body, boundaries, and confidence.

    This is your body, your greatest gift, pregnant with wisdom you do not hear, grief you thought was forgotten, and joy you have never known.

    Marion Woodman

    The facts about daily weighing yourself and stress eating.

    A study in 2015 tracked participants over ten years and showed that self-weighing is associated with increased weight concerns and depression. The study also showed decreased body satisfaction and self-esteem over those ten years, especially for the women in the study.

    If you stress eat, weighing yourself can be one of the most effective ways to feel bad about yourself.

    Daily weighing can lead to increased stress eating rather than decreasing it.

    Ironically a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ scale number can both trigger overeating—whether it’s a congratulatory eating party or a consolation party.

    Evelyn Tribole

    Many people find the external verification of daily weight helpful in some respects. Some research has shown that it can be beneficial. Daily weighing with email support was helpful in weight loss in this study. Another study by the same group in 2014 showed no ill psychological effects of daily weighing.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I love data. I like to see the data for many things, especially when making decisions. It helps me to understand if the assumptions about a particular thing are accurate.

    Regarding health behaviors, it helps to determine if what people say they do matches what they do. This gives me a better idea of how to be helpful to my clients.

    But, when the data is “bad” – it’s not accurate or misleading, it doesn’t help with anything. This type of information can have dire consequences. One piece of “bad” data is the importance we give to the number on the scale. It only gives you information about mass. It can’t provide information on the health of your body systems like heart rate, blood pressure, blood sugar, bone density, etc.

    And yet, so many thoughts and feelings are assumed, usually negatively, from this one piece of data you have in your control – weighing yourself.

    If you stress eat, the scale is not your friend!

    There’s no real reason to weigh yourself at home. It can’t tell you anything about the nutrient density of the food you eat and the effects of what you eat on your body. And it certainly doesn’t tell you anything positive about your relationship with your body, especially – instead, it usually creates more stress!

    Yet, these are all things that you might unconsciously hope that it would do.

    If the scale is down, you feel great about yourself. But when it’s up, especially if it’s a significant number, your mood plummets, your motivation for self-care fades, and self-compassion is nowhere in sight.

    If you break the habit of weighing yourself, you can become more engaged in a relationship with your body where you work together rather than rule over your body.

    You will have the opportunity to get to know yourself in different ways, like…

    • What kind of movement energizes you?
    • What kind of movement do you enjoy?
    • What type of food gives you the energy you need?
    • What type of food feels good in your body?
    • What type of attitude or thought process moves you toward your goals?
    • What type of conversations do you find fulfilling?

    The list goes on and on. Mainly, when you are aware of your internal needs, hopes and desires, you can actually get what you want in life. And this has nothing to do with weighing yourself!

    People always ask me, ‘You have so much confidence. Where did that come from?’ It came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl … It doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it’s your home, and you must decorate it.

    Gabourey Sidibe

    Move away from external validation and toward internal validation.

    If you want a better relationship with yourself, you must shift from external validation – waiting for other’s approval to feel good. Instead, internal validation is trusting yourself to do what you need for your well-being and acknowledging the benefits you receive. This is the way out of stress eating, negative body image and low self-esteem.

    How is feedback different from external validation?

    External information is helpful in some situations. Say, when your boss gives you feedback on a presentation. You need to know what worked and what didn’t, if you said too many “um’s,” if you covered all the required material, etc.

    Getting feedback from a loved one or good friend about the outfit you plan to wear for the presentation is also helpful. Does it fit the tone of the presentation, the audience, the lighting/stage, etc? It’s beneficial to double-check when you value the perspective of the other about a specific situation.

    The stereotypical question, “Do I look fat in this?” is usually about more than appearance. Do you accept me regardless of any judgments I might have about my size, or are you judging me, too?

    Since the question usually isn’t about appearance, if talked about how you feel, would it be more helpful to you?

    • I’m nervous about meeting new people at the party.
    • I’m not comfortable in this outfit.
    • I don’t want to give this presentation.
    • I need reassurance/encouragement that it will be okay.

    Becoming more connected with what you’re feeling and experiencing helps you live more authentically and guides you in the direction you want your life to go.

    3 Questions to ask yourself before getting on the scale.

    What do you want to receive from the scale?

    If you need the data from the scale for medication or some other medical reason, then can you let go of weighing yourself at home and only at your doctor’s office?

    Can you relieve yourself from this stress?

    What do you think the scale will tell you if there isn’t a medical reason to weigh yourself outside the doctor’s office?

    That you’re:

    • healthy
    • a good person
    • attractive
    • in control
    • out of control

    Maybe you have other ways to assess how you’re doing. One of them is to pay closer attention to how you feel in your body. If you start or regularly engage in physical activity, can you use increased skill level, speed, distance/duration and feeling more fit/comfortable for feedback instead of weighing yourself?

    Maybe this shift in mindset allows you to have a positive conversation with yourself. Part of getting out of stress eating is bringing your emotions more fully into your awareness so you can use them to support yourself. This is something that you can’t get from weighing yourself.

    When you have a clear picture of your life, feeling bad about yourself is challenging. There’s a point where it takes more effort to feel destructive than good. When many of my clients try it, the effort becomes so ludicrous that they realize what’s happening, smile, and remind themselves that they don’t need that anymore! They’re further down the road of growth than they knew.

    Why do you own a scale?

    Most people say they need it “to check my weight.” But, if you gained or lost weight, would you know by the way your clothes fit? Remember, the scale can only measure mass and nothing else.

    Is there something more meaningful to you? Could you receive validation from work – a job well done, volunteering – giving back to the community, faith – connection with your values, friendship – being present, etc? Do these areas give you a better sense of who you are as a human being?

    Are there other ways to “measure” or assess if you’re getting what you need?

    Data and weighing yourself cannot quantify your needs – that’s all it is!

    It’s pretty impossible to say, “I only need 20 percent of love today” or “Right now, I need 100 percent compassion.” By living an intentional life and developing your well-being skills, you’ll find that, after a difficult day, self-compassion gives you so much more comfort than getting on the scale or stress eating does.

    Self-compassion helps you to understand where you are, what you need and the confidence to move forward.

    My second to the last question – how much does the scale pull you out of living an intentional life and drop you back into a disconnected relationship with yourself where stress eating is the norm? It’s a big question.

    What I know is that a healthy relationship with yourself and those in your life can be a nest of love, and in the end, isn’t that one of the things you truly want?

  • 3 Fundamentals to Train Your Brain for Happiness

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    How to help your brain create shortcuts for happiness.

    “Have you found happiness?” Whenever I hear this question, I think of it as asking about something lost and, if so, where it could be. But happiness isn’t something you need to search for, like a long-lost treasure; it’s a matter of learning skills to train your brain for happiness.

    When we talk about “finding” happiness, the assumption is usually that you’re not happy; it’s something you’re missing and you should look for it like a 6-week-old puppy who excitedly runs out the front door and doesn’t know his way home quite yet. But it’s not…

    Happiness is something we create.  

    Like anything built to last, happiness needs a strong foundation before you add the details that make it uniquely your own.

    The foundation for happiness is built with a specific set of skills—happiness skills. These skills can be brain-based, emotional, or behavioral, including positive self-talk, gratitude, self-compassion, and many others.

    If you practice these skills enough, happiness will become second nature. You won’t need to consider them because they become how you live your life.

    How do you train your brain for happiness so it becomes second nature? 

    When you learned to ride a bike, it was probably really hard at first. You practiced how to balance and peddling became more comfortable the more you practiced.

    Now, when you ride a bike, you don’t think about how to ride it or focus on keeping your balance; it feels effortless—almost automatic.

    Training your brain for happiness works the same way. So, when you have the right skills and practice them enough, they become automatic. 

    How does your brain create new habits?

    The thing about your brain is that it does a lot and it works hard at it. When your brain has a task that it has to do frequently (riding the bike), it creates shortcuts that save energy and time so you have what you need as quickly as possible. This is why things that felt impossible before you learned how to do them, like starting and completing a task, now feel easy. It is so easy that you most likely don’t consider it a skill you learned.

    The same thing happens when you train your brain for happiness.

    For instance, most of us aren’t born with skills like gratitude or mindfulness. You learn these skills when you train your brain to create shortcuts, so you recognize opportunities for gratitude or mindfulness when they happen and apply them. Each time you practice, it gets easier and more accessible, just like riding a bike!

    Happiness skills enable you to respond to life’s ups with excitement, joy, and positivity. They also help you build resilience when life gets complicated because we all experience challenges, disappointments and grief.

    At this point, your only obstacle is building a solid foundation to train your brain for happiness.

    Here are the three fundamentals to build a strong foundation:

    1. Prioritize the skills that make a difference. 

    Let’s use math as an example. Pretend you moved to a new school. Because I don’t know what you learned at your previous school, I would give you a placement test to determine which skills you have mastered and still need to learn. You are ready for algebra, so I put you in an algebra class. Great – you’re all set!

    But what if I didn’t test your skill level? Instead, I just put you in a calculus class. Most likely, you’d struggle.

    Or maybe you were ready for calculus and I put you in an algebra class. More than likely, you’d be bored.

    Or maybe you skipped some steps and don’t know multiplication and division yet. Then you’d have a heck of a time keeping up with either algebra or calculus; I know I would have! Learning the right skills is essential to train your brain for practical happiness skills.

    Some practical happiness skills are:

    • Mindful meditation
    • Gratitude Journal
    • Mindful eating
    • Reframing negative experiences
    • Optimism practice and positive self-talk
    • Journaling and self-compassion practice
    • Clear communication
    • Emotional Mastery
    • Exercise
    • Setting boundaries

    2. Practice makes progress!

    When was the last time you learned a new skill—maybe learning a new language, playing an instrument, or enjoying a new craft? Did it take instruction, trial and error and learning until you reached mastery?

    How long until you felt competent, even good at it? If you are average, learning a new skill takes time and effort.

    But I do have some good news. You can make the happiness process faster by correctly practicing the right skills. More specifically, you can practice the skills that have the most significant impact on happiness and practice them in the most enjoyable ways for you. This way, you’ll make more progress in less time and be less likely to quit along the way.

    3. Progress

    In the happiness programs I’ve taught, I am amazed at how quickly people progress when they train their brains for happiness. Their brains are now wired to increase awareness of how to focus on the possibilities for growth, kindness, compassion and gratitude – all essential ingredients for happiness. But just when people start to feel comfortable with their new happiness skills, they hit a brick wall.

    Why does this happen? After prioritizing skills and practicing them for a while, you can hit a plateau or backslide to where you started. This is normal when you learn new habits. The phenomenon is known as the hedonic treadmill. You are forever running and not getting anywhere – you aren’t moving forward. To solve this problem, get off the treadmill and switch things up regularly. Learn new skills and change up your “go-to” solutions to keep things fresh as you expand your skill set.

    Imagine this. Returning to our math example, you learn addition in the first grade.

    Then, in second grade, you learn addition again.

    And in the third grade, guess what you learn? Addition.

    To make progress and improve, you have to switch things up now and again. So, when you feel confident with a happiness skill or feel backsliding, see what else you need to learn and challenge yourself.

  • How to Have a Better Relationship with Food

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    A better relationship with food comes from setting kind food limits.

    So, what is a kind food limit? It is a limit that supports you, opens up growth opportunities you want, and ultimately leads to greater well-being.

    A kind food limit considers what you desire for taste and pleasure and what your body needs to work well and feel good.

    It also accounts for how you feel when you eat a particular food (physically, mentally, and emotionally). It also helps you check your energy needs now and soon so you have the fuel you need.

    The big picture of kind food limits is that they help you make food choices that you feel good about, so you can stop eating for good.

    That’s to say, you feel good in a well-rounded sense. You feel satisfied, so you can focus on what’s happening in your life rather than thinking about food. Satisfaction is essential because if you don’t enjoy what you’re eating, you’ll feel like something is missing. And that’s the perfect setup for mindless stress eating that leaves you unsatisfied and disappointed.

    Kind food limits are primarily positive, moving you toward something you need or desire.

    Some examples are:

    • Planning a meal at a favorite restaurant
    • Enjoying a meal with a friend
    • Looking forward to your favorite comfort meal or dessert

    It could also be a little less glamorous and commit to a meal simply because you know your body needs it to feel better.

    You also need the nutrition to fuel your body, considering what you’ve got going on for the rest of the day. You might drink a glass of milk with lunch rather than soda because that’s what you need today. Tomorrow, you may have different needs.

    When you come home from vacation or after the holidays, you might need to eat more of the food you missed in the previous days or weeks. Or you might need to reset food limits, especially after enjoying traditional feasting foods around holidays. Eating isn’t perfect and there isn’t a need for judgement either. Life happens in cycles and kind food limits support you regardless of the cycle you’re in at the moment.

    Eating more traditional desserts around holidays is part of how I connect with my culture. I eat those conventional foods in a concentrated way because they are time-consuming to make, are part of meals with family and friends, and are a connection with my ancestors.

    If I lived in Italy, I would have a different experience. I know I would enjoy those foods more frequently, but less of them, with a great cup of coffee and engaging conversation sitting outside in the sunshine. But right now, I’m in the States and it’s a very different vibe!

    If you’re like most of us and busy during work hours, it’s often a grab-what-is-available situation – it’s easy to quiet your hunger, but ultimately, most of the time, it’s not what you want to eat. Sometimes, this is just how it goes, but when every day is a grab-and-go type, it can become nearly impossible to set kind food limits.

    Well-balanced meals – most of the time – support you in a variety of different ways.

    After eating a well-balanced meal, you’ll probably feel:

    • emotionally more aware
    • focused on your task
    • thinking more clearly
    • resting more deeply
    • managing feelings more accurately and peacefully

    Kind food limits also help you stop mindless eating and stress eating sooner than expected.

    Reaching for the candy bowl on your coworker’s desk, just because it’s there, can become a habit. You might even find that you walk by the coworker’s desk when you want a piece of candy!

    The feel-good part of your brain excitedly lights up at the thought of candy, and then the sight of it can start the cascade of relief before you’ve even taken a bite.

    But eating candy right before you have a big chunk of work to get done and a deadline to meet isn’t always a good idea.

    Give yourself a moment to consider the desired outcome and decide based on what you want.

    Making a choice now means saying, “Not right now.” It doesn’t mean banishing candy; candy is made for pure enjoyment. Eating for enjoyment is part of normal eating. Kind food limits are about kindness and care – of yourself and your long-term well-being.

    Setting kind food limits is a very achievable goal! A kind food limit helps you be more aware of your needs. What your brain needs for fulfillment, your mind needs for satisfaction and your body needs for energy.

    Here are three practical steps you can take to set kind food limits:

    1. Identify what you’re hungry for and if you’re even hungry.

    Slow down rather than reaching for what’s immediately available. Getting what you want and need may take some planning and time. You’re worth the wait!

    2. Notice food rules like, “If I have this pie, I’ll need to work out x number of hours!”

    Listening to yourself requires that you become quiet and still for a moment as you learn about your needs and make decisions based on kind food limits.

    3. Eat until you’re satisfied.

    Eating to satisfaction usually happens when you eat a well-balanced meal with protein, carbs and fat. Use your body as your guide and trust the feedback you receive for what works for you. When you thrive, it’s easier on your system, and your body feels better.

    Being quiet so you can hear your body’s feedback is the pathway to developing kind food limits.

    Get to know what supports your well-being and what you like – it’s a winning combination that benefits you for years to come!

  • How to Get Unstuck and Be Happy for Good!

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    Why is it so hard to get unstuck and move forward in life?

    It’s like you’re standing at a fork in the road, unsure of which direction to take and there’s a huge tree blocking both paths. You know you must move down one or the other, but how will you climb over that tree? The path that leads to less stress and more happiness is right on the other side. Take steps to climb over the tree and risk taking the wrong path. The difficulty is feeling spent and burned out; you only want to get unstuck!

    The search for happiness seems a long way off when you’re trying to make choices that support you, but you’re still struggling to find the path. The key to breaking free from this cycle is to listen to your true self. This article gives you the key points to follow to get unstuck and be more authentic.

    What is Authenticity?

    Being authentic means that how you show up in your daily life is accurate with how you feel, think, and express yourself – this is your true self. You express your whole self genuinely rather than showing people only a particular side of yourself. That means being authentic requires you to know who your true self is. And this requires self-awareness, mindfulness, and self-acceptance. 

    Why Authenticity Matters to Get Unstuck

    We are constantly bombarded with media, family, co-workers and friends, who tell us who to be, what to want, and how we “should” be. These influences slowly chip away at our self-knowledge and confidence about our authentic selves.

    But when you are a problem for someone else, you tell yourself that who you are isn’t okay. People pleasing can take over and lead to suppressing who you are, leaving you feeling lonely and disconnected from others.

    How You Lose Your Authenticity

    We are constantly balancing inner and outer aspects of ourselves to fit in better, to become more successful, or to find love. We are driven to find “our place” in society and want to be respected for who we are and what we must contribute. Many high achievers are propelled even further and want to know how to live with purpose and deeper meaning, and they feel fulfilled when they become more authentic.

    But at the same time, we live in a society that values superficiality, strives for perfection, and defines success by the dollars in our bank account, not by how well we live our values daily. So how can we be authentic despite the messages that try to convince us to be someone else?

    Why Overcoming Inauthenticity Is So Hard

    We were molded as children by our parents, teachers, religion, peers, and society to “fit in” or match the version that they see. As a result, we develop beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that align with what we were taught. Sometimes, it matches our self-concept; other times, it doesn’t, leading to inauthenticity and the need to get unstuck.

    This version of ourselves can be considered the “Adaptive Self”—the self that prioritizes fitting in, getting along, and generally doing what we’re told. This self is not without value and purpose—it helps us be functioning members of society. The Adaptive Self might run your life and keep you stuck if you feel inauthentic.

    To reclaim your authenticity, you need to define your authentic self –

    • the self that prioritizes
    • living in alignment with your values,
    • pursuing your purpose and passions

    so you keep moving forward in your life.

    What does it mean to be authentic so you can get unstuck?

    Being authentic means being true to yourself and living in alignment with your values, passions, and purpose. It requires honesty, courage, and vulnerability. Being authentic makes you feel more confident, fulfilled, and empowered.

    Here is your pathway to step into more authenticity:

    Identify your values

    Your values are the principles and beliefs important to you and guidelines for how you live. They are a reflection of who you are because they are the foundation of your life. Take some time to identify what is most important to you in life. What matters most to you? Make a list of these values and prioritize them in your life.

    Identify your passions

    Your passions are the things that bring you joy and fulfillment. They reflect what excites you and brings energy into your life. Take some time to identify what activities, hobbies, or interests you enjoy. What brings you a sense of purpose or meaning? Make a list of these passions and prioritize them in your life.

    Take action on your values and passions.

    Once you have identified your values and passions, it’s time to start taking action. This can be uncomfortable, especially if it means making significant changes in your life. However, taking small steps toward your values and passions helps you integrate them into your life. The benefit is you’ll also build momentum and confidence as you do. For example, if you’ve always wanted to pursue a hobby, start by reading about it, taking a class, or joining a related group. Sometimes, this step-by-step process helps you “test the water” and make decisions.

    Let go of people-pleasing

    You might get stuck when you worry about the messages you receive from others about who they want you to be. However, being authentic means letting go of people-pleasing and living in alignment with what you need. This might mean saying no to things that don’t align with your values or passions. It can also mean setting boundaries with people who don’t support you.

    Practice self-reflection

    Self-reflection is essential to profoundly knowing yourself. Self-reflection examines your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to identify areas where you are out of alignment. Take time each day to reflect on your experiences and how they relate to your values and passions.

    Embrace vulnerability

    Being authentic requires vulnerability. It means being honest with yourself and others about who you are and what you want. This, too, can be uncomfortable, but it is also empowering. When you embrace vulnerability, you open yourself to deeper connections with yourself and those important to you, which often leads to a more fulfilling life.

    In sum, getting unstuck and authentic requires identifying your values and passions, taking action, letting go of people-pleasing, practicing self-reflection, and embracing vulnerability. You feel more confident, fulfilled, and empowered when you align with your true self. The antidote to both stuckness and lifelong happiness is authenticity!

  • 4 Ways to Love and Accept Yourself in Midlife

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    When you accept yourself, life gets better.

    How you do it is to confidently acknowledge that there’s so much about you that’s good. You also know you’re on the path of continuing to grow when you can accept your wonderfully imperfect self, too!

    Daily life is challenging, with unrealistic expectations of who you think you need to be. The media, social media, family, work and society try to shape you into the image of someone who measures up, even if you disagree.

    And yet,

    • trying to do a good job
    • be a good person
    • be valued by those who matter to you

    This is what’s essential in life.

    So, how do you get past negative self-talk, worry about not doing enough, and live up to unrealistic expectations?

    The path of acceptance is one of courage. It requires you to get clear about what you need, even when you aren’t sure to change your mind or make a mistake about what you want.

    Practicing self-compassion while you figure it out will help you stay on track.

    Here are four ways you can cultivate more self-acceptance. They are all interrelated, moving from what’s outside your control to within your control. As you follow the steps, you’ll clarify what you want and set goals that align with your values.

    No matter your age, culture, race, gender, or nationality, the media (and social media) often highlights the ideal. It can leave you feeling that you don’t measure up to the ideal and unattractive. Comparisons aren’t only for teens; they can happen to us regardless of age. Research has shown that the more media you consume with attractive people in it, the worse you feel about yourself. But it’s important to remember that the media reflects what we’re already thinking, and to get unstuck, it’s important to remember this. If your focus is appearance-based, you likely fall short because your brain is already oriented that way. If you see media for what it is—a show—then you can stop comparing yourself to unrealistic ideals and accept yourself.

    2. Limit negative self-talk.

    One of the ways you can better accept yourself is to challenge your negative self-talk. All of us have an inner monologue running all day long. If this self-talk is primarily negative, you’ll have difficulty feeling good about yourself. For example, many clients say things like, “I’m not attractive anymore,” “My life is a mess,” or “I didn’t work so hard for my life to be like this.” You can stop some painful thoughts by limiting your media and social media time, which can help prevent immediate adverse reactions.

    I haven’t met anyone whose life is entirely negative or positive for longer-term relief practice noticing when you have feelings of satisfaction when you laugh or even when you feel proud of yourself. When you recall pleasant memories – times when things have gone well, your brain gets a boost from recalling that experience. Remembering good times can open up a more optimistic frame of reference and help you get unstuck from negative thinking and accept yourself.

    3. Express yourself.

    What else stops you from accepting yourself? Mostly, we fear what other people might think about us if we show our true selves. For example, maybe your friends all have the same opinion about a political topic, so you decide not to share your different points of view. Maybe your friends have a particular view on healthy eating and exercise, so you choose not to talk about your opinions because you don’t want to have that conversation. Or maybe your friends enjoy sharing a meal at a fancy restaurant, so you decide not to invite them to your house for the cozy dinner you’d enjoy; even as adults, we often hold back because we’re afraid of how we’ll be judged.

    It’s human nature to want to show the best sides of ourselves. Holding back your opinions occasionally is a necessary part of life — in fact, it can help make our relationships a bit easier and more enjoyable. You don’t have to share everything with everyone all the time!

    However, self-expression is problematic when you edit yourself so much that people-pleasing is your default, and your unique perspective gets lost. The result? Few of the people in your life know who you are deep down. Maybe you even start to question who you are and what you believe. Another consequence is that the critical people in your life don’t have the opportunity to accept you as you are. Most importantly, you don’t allow yourself to accept yourself as you are, either.

    4. Celebrate your strengths.

    Sometimes, focusing on your weaknesses is more accessible than celebrating your strengths. This is especially true for “problem solvers.” Everyone has things they aren’t great at doing and that’s okay. But, when you focus on those things instead of focusing on what you’re good at, too, it leads to getting stuck. If you get down on yourself regularly for things, liking yourself as much as possible will be hard. So, celebrate your strengths and discover even more about yourself. Gaining a new or broader perspective usually helps you accept yourself more.

    In sum, when you accept yourself, life is more straightforward – that’s the bottom line! It’s a process to get there. And part of that process is building habits that support your well-being and personal growth – step by step. Habits that help you feel good and continue to grow and nurture yourself with compassion and accountability make the process easier.

    How will you begin the process of accepting yourself?

  • 5 Reasons Why Eating in Moderation is So Complicated

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    You’ve probably heard that eating in moderation is easy, and if you do, you can eat anything you want!

    For someone who doesn’t stress or emotionally eat, it’s an easy thing to say. But, if you’re trapped in the cycle of stress eating or emotional eating, dieting and back to emotional eating again, eating in moderation requires a few new skills.

    Eating in moderation is an excellent foundation for getting various foods.

    Feeling good about what you eat, getting enough energy and just plain freedom from the dieting too.

    To get to the place where you can listen and get what you need, clear your path of distractions is essential.

    Here are five things that hold you back from eating in moderation and what you can do about it.

    1. Focusing too much on the details.

    When you spend time focusing on the nutrition facts, the healthiest way to eat, the best plan for you, or any other details, you can lose sight of the big picture. I’m not saying the details aren’t important or that gaining knowledge isn’t helpful, it’s when it takes up more time than is needs to take up. You’ll know it’s too much when it seems to take on more importance than your experience of nurturing yourself.

    Focusing on the details too much also silences your ability to listen to the feedback your mind and body give you about what you need. When you aren’t listening to your body, it can lead to overeating. When disconnected from yourself, it’s tough to hear the subtle cues about what you need.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    Focus on covering the basics nutritionally while you loosen up the food rules. Slowly changing over time is usually more sustainable than one big overhaul.

    If you have health issues that require you to pay attention to carbs, fat, or sodium in your meals, take good care of your health and pay attention. You can identify where and when you shift from awareness and self-care to worry and obsession.

    The change might be about how you think, like shifting from food rules to long-term health and well-being guidelines.

    Shift your mindset to think about rules as guidelines for nurturing your body. As you shift into this way of thinking, you will naturally have less stress about food. In the beginning, like any new habit, it might feel strange.

    Sometimes, people feel like they will be out of control and overeat, not knowing when to stop. Eating in moderation is next to impossible if you experience this fear. But taking it step by step will help you transition out of worry and into the driver’s seat.

    The guidelines for good nutrition are there to support your decision-making from the inside out. Take in the info thoughtfully and consider how to apply it to your lifestyle and nutritional needs while considering any medical requirements.

    If you can relieve yourself of the stress about the food rules, you may be able to eat more moderately and consciously.

    2. You’re stuck in the diet mentality.

    The diet mentality is when you follow a diet plan that promises to solve your weight, body image, or food problems in a distinct, often quick and nearly painless way. Eating in moderation isn’t on the menu. The underlying premise is that you’ll be happy if you only follow a particular set of food rules.

    What lures most people in is the certainty and simplicity:

    • There are foods on the “Okay to eat list” and others on the “don’t touch” list.
    • Restrict yourself to a certain number of calories daily, which will be your result.
    • Strict boundaries – eat at this time, this amount of this food.

    These plans are so popular because it’s enticing to get directions that direct you to take specific action – no thinking required.

    The common belief is that your body will not cooperate with you. So, you find yourself trying to manipulate the food in some way. This type of relationship is usually based on the belief that you cannot trust your body to give you good information on what you need.

    But you can develop a trusting relationship with yourself and make food decisions that meet your nutritional needs. You can also meet your needs for enjoyment and pleasure so you feel satisfied with a meal.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    This situation calls for a mindset shift from viewing your body as separate from yourself as if it’s a thing that you can easily shape and form at your will.

    The mindset that gets you out of the diet mentality is to develop a relationship with your body, treating it with kindness, compassion and respect.

    It isn’t easy to overeat when you are kind and respectful to yourself. As you leave the diet mentality and eat in a way that respects your hunger and fullness, your awareness increases and your body naturally communicates with you. Moderate eating is possible because you listen when your body tells you it’s had enough. Kindness and respect give you the ability to stop eating peacefully.

    3. Doing more than one thing while eating.

    If you’re like most people, you probably eat while multitasking at least a few times a week.

    You have a big deadline and need to grab lunch quickly while sitting in front of the computer.

    It’s easy to get to the bottom of the bag before you realize you’ve eaten all the chips while watching your favorite show.

    When you’re distracted, paying attention to what you’re eating takes second place.

    It’s hard to know when you’ve had enough food to satisfy your physical hunger and the need for satisfaction when you’re distracted. The feeling that the meal is complete and you’ve had enough isn’t vital when doing something else. The warning to stop only comes when you can’t ignore the uncomfortable fullness.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    Doing one thing at a time can save you time. If you turn on the TV or switch to your favorite app or email while eating, it’s easy to get drawn into whatever you’re watching. The minutes pass by, just a bit more and before you know it, an extra 15, 30, 45, or 60 minutes have passed, and you’re still unconsciously eating.

    Doing one thing can also help you to eat more slowly, identify fullness and satiety sooner and possibly eat less.

    Doing one thing helps you perceive the cue that you’re full sooner than feeling uncomfortably full because you’re paying attention to yourself.

    4. Viewing what you eat as a moral issue.

    You will get stuck when you put food in the category of good vs. evil and assign a moral value to it.

    Foods have different nutritional values, of course.

    I like to use the analogy of a serving of broccoli vs. a candy bar. Yes, they are very different from a nutritional perspective, but morally? You’re not a “bad” person if you eat candy, nor are you a good person if you eat broccoli.

    Your body will have different responses and you may feel differently eating one vs. the other, but you have not gained or lost your “I’m a good person” status.

    It’s just food and both have a legitimate role in nurturing yourself.

    Eating in Moderation Solution:

    Think about food from this perspective:

    • What do I want to eat (taste perspective)?
    • What type of nutrition do I need given my activities in the next 4 hours (fuel perspective)?
    • Which foods will meet my need to feel good (satiety)?

    When you ask yourself these questions, you are helping your body, mind, and self-esteem. You can make decisions based on the fullness of what’s important to you.

    5. Not permitting yourself to enjoy the food you eat.

    Follows from #4 above. Food is fuel and it’s a lot more, too.

    Food is one of the great pleasures in life. When you acknowledge that it’s okay to enjoy eating, you are closer to freedom from overeating and diet mentality-related guilt about eating what you like.

    When you do this, you honor your need for fuel and pleasure and are no longer left wanting more.

    You can eat what you need, feel satisfied and eat in moderation.

    Eat in Moderation Solution:

    Normal eating is many things.

    • Eating when you’re hungry.
    • Eating what you love.
    • Eating for energy.
    • Eating when you can because you know what the next few hours will bring and must prepare.

    Eating is also for pure pleasure.

    The only way to eat the foods you love without guilt and the risk of chronic overeating is to make them part of your life.

    • Here are some questions to help you decide if this is for you:
    • What would happen if you allowed yourself to experience food with pleasure?
    • Would you eat less?
    • Would you feel less guilt and thereby less need to compensate for them?
    • Would your daily nutrition meet all of your needs?

    In sum, my challenge to you is this – allowing yourself to practice eating in moderation. Changing your relationship with food isn’t as easy as the ease a new diet plan promises. I hope the eating in moderation solutions give you some ideas about how to do things differently. Changing any habit that no longer serves you leads to more health and well-being.

  • 6 Simple and Effective Habits for Happiness in Life

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    Are you just starting your happiness journey? 

    Even if you’ve been on the path of happiness for a while, building a foundation that helps accelerate your growth means you can be happier sooner than you think!

    I had no idea what to do when I graduated with my doctorate. My mentor and I planned to work together, but she passed away unexpectedly just a few weeks after graduation. I had my cancer treatment coming up at the end of that month. The plan was to give me a month to recover. I couldn’t be around my kids while I was radioactive, so a bit of time was needed. The reality was that I needed to go back to work. At the same time, it was challenging to be positive – quasi requirements for a coach – when so much of my own life was mired in grief and disappointment.

    My experience probably doesn’t surprise you. To grow something sustainable, you must start with the basics, which is also valid for learning happiness. We can make it easier for ourselves to build happiness when we choose supportive habits as the foundation. Here’s how to get started.

    Get a Quick Win with Something Easy and Fun

    Researchers believe that some happiness habits are more accessible to build than others. So rather than starting with whatever happiness habit is currently the most popular—meditation or self-care —you’re better off starting with more straightforward or fun habits.

    The broaden-and-build theory suggests that experiencing positive emotions broadens your mindset and builds your psychological, intellectual, and social resources, allowing you to benefit more from your experiences. 

    By starting with easy or fun practices, you may get a jumpstart in happiness and boost your sense of self-efficacy that propels you forward in the happiness-building process. Luckily, there are lots of these easier-starter activities online now.

    One study showed that people who felt more positive emotions at the beginning of a happiness program reported more significant improvements at the end. By going after the more straightforward and accessible parts of happiness, you can build confidence and good feelings that may help you tackle the trickier skills later.

    Which Habits Are Easy to Start With?

    1. Savoring

    One habit that researchers believe is relatively easy to build is savoring good things in your life (like a memorable trip or awe-inspiring concert) by continuing to reflect on them and share them with others. On the flip side, surveys suggest that learning mindfulness can be relatively tricky, as beginners may struggle and become cognitively depleted.

    2. Fun

    Another good way to start is with something fun. The Greater Good Science Center’s Science of Happiness course invited students to try out ten different happiness practices and (at the end of the course) reflect on their experience. The surveys showed that among those 10, students most enjoyed mindful breathing, awe exercises, gratitude journaling, and listing three good things. They found these practices to be a better fit—aligned more with their internal values and natural inclinations—than practices like forgiveness or self-compassion.

    3. Be Present

    In a 2012 study, people picked which activities to practice. They selected exercises related to setting goals, savoring the present moment, and recording gratitude more frequently than thinking optimistically, savoring the past, expressing gratitude to others, and recording acts of kindness. This evidence gives us some idea about which habits are the most enjoyable (or, at least, which ones we think will be most enjoyable).

    So, when starting with happiness habits, try to begin with easy, fun ones—but don’t stop there. More difficult habits are valuable, too. 

    Get more bang for your buck with high-impact habits

    Some habits have a more significant impact on happiness than others.

    I recently asked a group of clients about which well-being habits contribute most to their happiness. They said feeling positive about themselves and improving their self-relationship generates more happiness than the rest.

    4. Optimism

    Other research supports this idea. For example, researchers found that one group of habits that highly impacts happiness in the long run shapes what you pay attention to. This includes practices like anticipating good things in the future, paying attention to the positives rather than the negatives of a situation, and reflecting on good things that happened in the past.

    5. Movement

    One of the most important habits is movement. The focus isn’t necessarily to “get in shape” but to move your body instead of being inactive. The research suggests that healthy behaviors—like exercise—improve well-being, even among people who struggle to build other types of happiness habits. One study showed that a health enhancement program alleviated depression and increased life satisfaction faster than a mindfulness program among people diagnosed with depression. Although both programs were influential in the long term, the authors argue that positive health habits may more quickly increase well-being, while mindfulness may lead to more gradual but sustained improvements.

    6. Variety

    Using a greater variety of practices, regardless of the practices, may also be beneficial. For example, one study found that compared to a program including fewer types of happiness practices, a happiness program including more practices led to more significant increases in well-being. Other research suggests that the people in happiness programs who engage in more different practices show more significant happiness increases than those who engage in fewer practices. And people who engage in a diverse range of practices and engage in them in more situations seem to show the most benefit.

    Creating any new habit can be challenging, so it’s worth considering which happiness habits to cultivate first. Once you’ve built a few of these habits, you’ll get the hang of it, and building other habits will feel more manageable. Use these tips to start on the right foot and you’ll have the resilience you need to weather any storm.

  • How to Cure Stress Eating and Get What You Really Need

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    There’s so much information about how to stop stress eating and emotional eating.

    Every day, my news feed and social platforms tell me about new and improved ways to hack stress eating and emotional eating.

    The advice usually falls into one of these three categories:

    1. Funny, in-your-face, non-diet messages are often delivered by young women who fit the dominant culture’s ideal of beauty. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I’m happy that the younger generations have a much better viewpoint of diet culture. But decades of stress, dieting and cultural influences take a bit more effort than eating an ice cream while flipping off diet culture.

    2. Information that appears to be new, but it isn’t, is just having a refreshed cover. You can probably guess what I’m talking about! You know, the same diet programs that have been around for a long time or even newer apps that claim not to be a diet. Just because you say you’re not a diet doesn’t mean you aren’t a diet – we see you out there!

    3. Professionals who offer their research evidence that their way is the correct or best way to live. This strikes me as academic competitiveness, which is good; it pushes humanity to find better ways. The problem is that it paints a picture of all or nothing with the researcher or influencer, the hero who has found the golden key that will unlock the secret garden if only we would follow them.

    I’m sure there are many more we could add, but let’s get to what matters.

    The issue is that stress eating isn’t really about the food.

    Food happens to be the focus or device for relief. The reason why people use food for stress relief is that it works – to a point. It happens to be food for a lot of reasons:

    • Habits learned when young
    • Habits formed in college
    • The brain does feel happier and calmer after eating
    • Not knowing what else to do calm the stress
    • Boredom

    Using food is easy, inexpensive and relatively socially acceptable.

    Women bond over both their desire for decadence and the inevitable discussion about diets and workouts. We’re in this struggle together, yet we haven’t realized how to stop it.

    The issue is that stress eating isn’t really about the food.

    Food happens to be the focus or device for relief. The reason why people use food for stress relief is that it works – to a point. It happens to be food for a lot of reasons:

    • Habits learned when young
    • Habits formed in college
    • The brain does feel happier and calmer after eating
    • Not knowing what else to do calm the stress
    • Boredom

    Using food is easy, inexpensive and relatively socially acceptable.

    Women bond over both their desire for decadence and the inevitable discussion about diets and workouts. We’re in this struggle together, yet we haven’t realized how to stop it.

    Getting down to the root of the issue is the only way to break free from stress eating, and that’s an easy solution!

    If we stop the distractions of focusing on the food and focus on what gets us to that point, then we have a real solution.

    The problem is that most of us were never taught how to work with our emotions and calm the anxious brain and body in a way that clarifies what to do next.

    Here’s the outstanding part: this isn’t about digging around in your unconscious to find the “root cause,” and then, when you understand why, you’ll magically stop stress eating.

    I wish it were that easy because I bet you know why you stress eat, but that hasn’t helped to stop it.

    When I started my practice as a psychotherapist and coach, that’s what I thought. We would uncover the source of the pain, and it would be relieved. But, when I began my PhD studies, I learned that emotional eating is stress eating and the pathway to lasting relief is:

    1. Emotional Mastery
    2. Clear Communication
    3. Well-being Habits

    This is the Powerful Calm System and is the foundation for conscious eating, which is a straightforward way to get back to listening to your body, eating in response to hunger, and mindfully enjoying food.

    Emotional Mastery

    Conscious eating is eating with awareness of your body’s needs for fuel and satisfaction.

    It is eating with respectful kindness for yourself, free from judgment. You learn to follow, listen to yourself and use your emotions as your guide.

    It is negotiating between your body and mind, listening to your heart in the present moment.

    Conscious eating is the awareness that the next time you need to eat, you can make new choices in each new moment.

    Conscious eating frees you from deprivation and urgency, which is usually a frantic, anxiety-filled impulse to get what you want now.

    It might be because –

    • it may be gone soon
    • this is the last time you’ll allow yourself to eat it
    • the diet starts tomorrow, so you better have it now!

    Stress eating (emotional eating) can be like this. Sometimes to distract, sometimes to avoid, and sometimes to control unmanageable feelings. No matter its path, it all leads back to stress as the cause.

    Conscious eating frees you to stop for a moment, give yourself time and space to identify your feelings, identify your hunger, and make decisions based on what your mind, body and heart needs.

    Clear Communication

    Conscious eating helps you to connect with the fullness of your life, free from the stress that interferes with your goals.

    You can nourish yourself in the whole meaning of the word nourish.

    The goal is to truly enjoy your relationship with food and your body without guilt, negative self-talk, excuses, or shame.

    Each meal is one moment in time.

    Sometimes, you will eat purely for fuel. You are hungry, busy, and need nutrition to function well.

    You are living your life, and food is one of many essential parts, not the one thing you spend too much time thinking about.

    At other times, you eat for enjoyment and nourishing your body. Clear communication with yourself allows you to freely enjoy food without guilt because the choices you make aren’t a stress reaction, but instead, they are a choice based on what you need for energy and enjoyment. And when that happens, there’s no reason to blame and shame about food or your body.

    Well-being Habits

    Becoming a conscious eater is like getting back to nature.

    You’ll get back to eating naturally, and when stress hits, you no longer reach for food to calm and self-soothe.

    Emotions and food are separate, but sometimes they seem the same.

    It is like when you were little and ate because you were hungry and stopped when you were full. Even when you had something delicious, like your favorite food, you listened to your body and stopped when your body let you know it was complete.

    You can get back to listening to your natural rhythms.

    And, if this was not your experience growing up, you can learn how to become a Conscious Eater who can listen to her body and follow through!

    When you eat this way, you find what is health-enhancing for you. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all when it comes to nourishing your body. The only perfect diet for you is finding what works well for your body today and doing more of it. And when things change, you can adapt because you can listen to your body and adjust as needed.

    Listen to your body.

    There’s a wealth of knowledge about sound, essential nutrition. It is freely available to you and many well-qualified providers who can support you, too.

    Conclusion

    The bottom line is that conscious eating is a simple way to implement the Powerful Calm System, so you no longer need stress eating and emotional eating again!

  • How to Think Positively With The Golden Rule of Self-Care

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    Life changes when you think positively and treat yourself with love, compassion, and respect. The Golden Rule of Self-Care is a great way to know what to do and when so you stay on track.

    The Golden Rule of Self-Care is all about starting at the beginning – with you. Your relationship with yourself is built on your emotional well-being and how you communicate. Following the self-care steps below can lead to emotional mastery and positive thinking.

    A great relationship is based on being well treated, even when it’s your relationship with yourself. An exchange of goodwill, respect, and kindness starts within your heart.

    When you love and respect yourself, it’s tough to shut down feeling empathy for others or to treat others disrespectfully.

    And the opposite is also true.

    Starting from a place of self-loathing, it is easy to view the world as a hostile and threatening place to live.

    No matter how you slice it, it all starts with you and your relationship with yourself.

    Quieting self-criticism that rumbles around in your head is challenging in the beginning. Negative thinking from self-criticism, pessimism about the future, and everyday problems with others cloud your viewpoint. When this happens, It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking, making it nearly impossible to think positively.

    But it doesn’t have to be this way.

    Adopting a growth mindset requires you to increase your self-awareness and take action. As you practice, it gets easier and becomes your natural way of doing things. Your skill level increases and you feel better when you make choices that move your life into greater well-being

    3 Parts of the Golden Rule of Self-Care

    Hear no evil – limiting what you pay attention to and allow into your world.

    See no evil – mindset shifts from seeing what’s missing to seeing the fullness of life.

    Speak no evil – how you use language with yourself in your internal running monolog and with others.

    Golden Rule of Self-Care #1 – Hear No Evil

    Each person can sift through the millions of data coming at them at any given time. One of the “easiest” ways to do this is to limit the amount of negative information you’re exposed to daily.

    But, sometimes, this can’t be helped…

    Unhappy coworkers who vent, a perfectionist boss always wanting more, angry-obnoxious neighbors, a family member who drinks too much, a teacher who doesn’t want to teach, etc. The list is endless, without mentioning the news, wars, politics of hate, etc., or social media criticisms and comparisons that grab your attention.

    The Golden Rule of Self-Care – emotional mastery results in thinking positively.

    Since no one can escape or ignore, as enticing as that may sound, it is possible to filter out the negativity. You can increase your awareness to be choosier about what you allow into your internal world.

    Your level of emotional mastery supports you in making choices. If you tend to “overdo it” with stress, eating, exercise, drinking, working, etc., the craving for relief can be overwhelming. And the cycle keeps repeating because it’s not a solution. When stress levels rise again, so will the old coping skills, even when you don’t want them.

    Here are three things you can do right now to stop listening:

    1. Commit to not participating in negative conversations. Sometimes, what’s not spoken or commented on speaks for you. Remaining neutral is often a good place to be. You don’t always have to take a position or choose a side.

    2. The ongoing conversation with yourself is usually the toughest for most people. The challenge is practicing patience with yourself. When a problematic thought comes, acknowledge it and practice letting it flow through you without getting stuck. If it gets stuck, give it a gentle nudge, and again, with neutrality in mind, shift your focus to peace. Most of my coaching clients practice this a lot. Consistency is key.

    3. Change the subject if you’re talking with someone else. It’s easy to get on the critical bandwagon and beat that drum. It’s often much nicer to walk beside the wagon, listen, let the other person vent and know that their feelings are theirs to manage. You don’t need to relieve or take on another’s struggle. You may need to change the subject gently, or at times, you may need to directly state that you don’t want to talk about it, it’s not your place or concern, etc. Both are okay. Being kind to the other person and yourself means not engaging in unproductive conversations that keep you stuck.

    Golden Rule of Self-Care #2 – See No Evil

    It is tough when you get stuck in a rut of doubt, fear, and hopelessness.

    The way out is to follow the Golden Rule of Self-Care and allow yourself to see the fullness of life. There’s much goodness, hope, and joy in life, as well as pain. Our lives are both – positive and negative – and what we do with those experiences makes a difference.

    Is the glass half empty or full? Maybe neither. Sometimes, when you’re thirsty and there’s water in the glass, it’s a great moment. Perhaps if you’re thirsty and it’s empty, that’s okay too because you know that you can seek out refreshing water and fill your glass.

    A growth mindset is like this and you start seeing the world from the viewpoint of possibilities. You have options and choices. Yes, we all experience problems in our lives; some of them are huge, and at the same time, we also have a lot of outstanding experiences.

    Quick fixes, like any of the popular quick weight loss diets, lead down the path of “all of the bad things in life will be gone once you get back into your high school jeans!”

    How do we, intelligent women, fall for this? It’s just so alluring. It’s a little pain for a lot of gains. Most of us who have fallen for this illusion know just how short-lived the gain is

    Long-lasting change is not a quick fix.

    Since no one can escape or ignore, as enticing as that may sound, it is possible to filter out the negativity. You can increase your awareness to be choosier about what you allow into your internal world.

    Emotional mastery supports you in making those choices so you can think positively with self-compassion. If you tend to “overdo it” with stress, eating, exercise, drinking, working, etc., the relief you crave is about shifting the negative thoughts that keep rolling over and over in your mind. And the cycle keeps repeating because it’s not a solution. When stress levels rise again, so will the coping skills, even when you don’t want them to.

    Three things you can do right now to practice a growth mindset

    1. Focus on your health and wellness. Shift out of thinking, “Not this, I can’t, that’s bad.” Instead, think about moving toward what you want and what you are creating in your life. It takes much more energy to repel yourself than to move toward what you want.

    2. Create a mantra that is meaningful and quick for you to repeat. Develop a mantra you can repeat when it’s difficult to stop thinking about what’s wrong. This happens to all of us. It will take extra effort. And it will get easier with practice.

    3. Remind yourself you’re in this for the long term. You are transforming your relationship with yourself. You are worthy of compassion to learn as you go, make changes, be curious, and take good care of yourself. The reward is the lasting change that frees you from negative thinking and gives you choices for the rest of your life.

    Golden Rule of Self-Care #3 – Speak No Evil

    How you talk to yourself is an excellent way to gauge your mindset. It is a window into your experience of the world around you and your expectations of it.

    It only takes a fraction of the time for you to consider what process your experience into language and make a judgment about it. Language shapes how we think about things. Communication is also two ways, even within our being.

    Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you can have. You also have all of the things you need to transform your way of thinking.

    The vision of what you want your life to be, based on the Golden Rule of Self-Care, is something you can change today. And the good thing is that starting where you are right now is the perfect time and place. Start where you are and shift when needed. There’s no big reveal – it’s just you living your life.

    Do you ever notice that people who complain, find faults, and sit in judgment tend to gravitate toward each other – usually without offering to help or being part of the solution?

    Thoughts can be like this, too. You get one negative thought, and it’s easy to build on it.

    The opposite is also true. People would much rather be around consciously grounded people. People who don’t shy away from problems but actively try to be part of the solution. You can do this with yourself, too. Build positive thoughts and the experiences will follow.

    This includes your relationship with yourself, too!

    You will have a much better experience making the changes you desire when you can overcome the fear and disappointment and shift into patiently transforming your relationship with stress, your body, and your heart. Practice setting the tone. Let the words you say to yourself be encouraging and growth-focused.

    Plan for your success. Take care of yourself and prepare for your day. Have an idea of what you would like to create for yourself. Have a backup plan for when life goes differently and flexibility is needed.

    Changes made slowly over time allow you to integrate what you need and let go of what you don’t. You can communicate with kindness even when you’re frustrated or angry. If you know your needs, you will better master your impulses and reactions.

    Three ways to communicate with more kindness.

    1. Set the tone for growth with your internal conversations. The most important person to focus your flexibility on first is yourself; all the other relationships will also flow with kindness.

      2. Give yourself patience. There isn’t any deadline for when you need to be fully conscious. It’s a process of becoming more and more aware.

      3. Allow yourself to accept the good things in life with grace and gratitude, no matter how small. Know that challenges will be clarified, and you’ll move forward with momentum.

      Conclusion

      The Golden Rule of Self-Care is your relationship with yourself and daily interactions with everyone else. Kindness, respect and loving yourself in the basic sense of each word are the foundation for transforming your relationship with stress and creating a fulfilling life you enjoy.

    1. The Truth About Clarity and Motivation

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      I wish clarity and motivation were good friends, but they’re usually more like casual acquaintances. When we lived in Texas, we always looked forward to seeing another couple at our mutual friend’s house. It was only a few times a year for the annual holiday party, summer cookout, and sometimes Thanksgiving. We always said that we would get together, but we never followed through and made plans. It was that extra hurdle of commitment to a plan that didn’t happen and it became a friendly joke.

      Many women believe they’ll be motivated to take action when they understand why they do what they do.

      It makes sense and works in many situations, like school, work, or baking. You watch a video to learn how to fold in the dry ingredients and why it’s essential for the recipe instead of wondering what to do or why. Now that you have the information, you can mix the cake more confidently, and it’s much easier to start and get the cake in the oven.

      Unfortunately, with human behavior, clarity rarely leads to motivation for meaningful change. The irony is that when you mix in emotion, associations to past events, habits, and the busyness of life, what could be clear becomes opaque very quickly.

      Clarity

      Clarity requires deeper awareness of your experiences, interpretations, and your ability to take thoughtful action. Blending understanding and knowledge are the main ingredients of clarity.

      Understanding

      Understanding ourselves takes a bit of time. Reflection, education and experience are the necessary ingredients for understanding. I think of knowledge as located in the gut, and it’s more on the emotional, felt level of experience.

      Knowledge

      Knowledge comes from our experiences, training, information gained from others, or experimentation. Knowledge is what we think of as being in our heads. It is the logical or even observable part of our experiences.

      Action doesn’t come from understanding or knowledge. There is a way of understanding the world around you and making sense of it with your own experience. The role both play in life is extremely important. Understanding and knowledge are the foundation of how you perceive yourself and make sense of your life.

      They help you to contrast where you are and where you want to be, which generates clarity. But that’s not what gets you moving.

      Motivation

      Motivation is the energy to take action on what you desire. You’re either moving toward something or avoiding an outcome you don’t want to experience.

      Emotion, personal history and habits are all parts of what motivates people. And the good news is that you can change your habits and establish new ways of being with yourself.

      For many, the desire to stop negative thoughts and feelings gets them moving. It’s that old saying, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

      The best way to start generating motivation is to do something that feels better than the negativity you experience when you don’t take action. Doing this at least thrice a week makes you more likely to make it a habit. Motivation is more straightforward when you do things that feel better often enough to become a habit supporting your well-being.

      Building Momentum

      Momentum builds and becomes associated with a positive experience of feeling better the more you take action. It feels better to move toward something you want instead of avoiding an experience you don’t want.

      Waiting for clarity before you take action can lead to stagnation and feeling stuck.

      Everybody gets stuck at some point in life. Things happen, circumstances change and work and life are busy. Often, it’s a matter of just keeping up with the everyday living tasks. Getting the groceries, getting to work, getting the kids to do their homework, etc. During times like this, clarity helps.

      Thoughtful Action

      Take time to thoughtfully and mindfully think about what your experience tells you and what you need. This helps you decide on your direction. It’s the most essential part of the recipe. The cake needs flour of some kind to be cake-like, or it’s something else, maybe delicious, but not a cake.

      Knowing what you want and moving in the direction you need to be is thoughtful action. If you don’t,  motivation will be a brutal fight. It will often be busy but directionless, and eventually, it will be a burden. When this happens, people often say, “My motivation is zapped!” It’s misplaced energy and needs to be replenished with clear, intentional direction.

      The irony is that movement – acting – helps you become clear.

      It’s a risk.

      There’s a likelihood that you’ll make mistakes.

      You’ll probably fail – at first – until you learn more about what you need to do.

      It’s all okay and part of understanding what you need.

      Many of my clients think that being motivated requires inspiration as the catalyst. They will experience a positive energy boost that propels them to take action. I wish that were the case a lot more often, but it’s not.

      I’ve found that by moving toward what you truly want, with understanding and knowledge, you’ll make decisions that lead you to what you need and want in your life.

      Conclusion

      It’s challenging to get started and take the risk of stepping into the life you desire but don’t know yet.

      As you gather more experience of moving toward and receiving what you desire, your experience of motivation changes from negative associations to positive ones.

      Taking action is the fuel for clarity and motivation. It helps you to understand what is essential and needed in your life.